Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

‘Embarrassing’ emails

My ex-partner sent me and my fiancee emails and text messages about sexual acts (actually about me giving my ex-partner oral sex) and referring my sexual fantasies. Over a period of years, he sent large numbers of emails on a daily basis (as many as 25 a day at one point), often belittling me, referring to me as a nut job or a psychopath, sometime a Nazi or a rapist, or demeaning me as a mother.

I contacted the police about an occasion when my ex partner shouted at me in front of the children and they told me it sounded as if I was being harrassed. But when I sent the emails and text messages as requested to the officer at CSU, including the ones about oral sex and the messages about my sexual fantasies, the officer told me as none of them were explicitly threatening me, he didn't think there was any harrassment going on. He later spoke to my ex partner, who is a barrister, who apparently then 'helpfully explained' about my 'somewhat embarrassing' sexual fantasies and the police officer called me up to say he could see how it was all quite embarrassing for me, and that no warning about harrassment would be issued to my ex partner.

My ex partner and I were then emailed by the police with the same advice ie to avoid abusive communcation and communication of an inappropriate volume.

I have never sent a single abusive email, nor any more than was appropriate (I tried to respond only when necessary, and about things to do with the children's arrangements). When I spoke to the CSU officer to point this out, he agreed that he had not yet been provided with any evidence of this but that he thought it was good to point these things out to both of us so we could have a fresh start.


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