Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Don’t know what to do

I don't know what to do because I feel so guilty like maybe I did something awful and I just need another perspective.
I was sexually abused as a child multiple times and my boyfriend knew this. I suffered from ptsd and an eating disorder for some time.
The other night I went out with my best friend. It was just us two and her boss talking at a bar when this older man came up beside me and said into my ear "yum you look like someone I can choke." Now my reaction may have been a little over the top but I thought i was going to have a heart attack. My heart was pounding, I was so hot my face felt like it was on fire and i felt like squirmish and disgusting and i wanted to jump out of my skin. We got a cab and on the way home my friend asked if I wanted to stop and dance and try not to let it ruin my night so I agreed. I literally asked her to block me off from people when we got there.
The next morning my boyfriend asked what we did and I said we went straight home from the first bar. I knew he would judge me for going out dancing and I didn't want him to have a temper with me especially because I was still upset. I figured I would tell him in person later that day.

But instead he said "you didn't go straight home. You went to ____ and decided to lie to me and now I see you lie." He wouldn't pick up his phone and sent my things in a package to my house.

I tried to tell him what happened and why I didn't want to talk about it but all he said was "god knows how you were acting with that whore friend of yours that gave this man a lead. Why did you let him approach you? You must have been allowing him to have a conversation with you. I thought you were different and I would take pride in telling people but you're the same as the rest of them"

I feel so bad that I Lied to him. I keep trying to apologize and tell him I just didn't want to talk about it but he won't hear me. should I just give up? I love him so much and I feel bad because he took good care of me.


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3 thoughts on “Don’t know what to do

  • Admin says:

    It sounds like you had a panic attack. This is not an “over the top response”. It is a perfectly normal and reasonable response to threatening behaviour, especially if you have PTSD. You had every right to be out with friends and that man had no right whatsoever to approach you or use such threatening language.

    Equally, being in a position where lying to your boyfriend about going dancing with friends because you’re worried about his reaction is worrying. A good partner would ask how your night out was and be angry/upset/disgusted at the man who spoke to you in such an abusive manner. He wouldn’t blame you. He wouldn’t call your friend a “whore”. A good partner wouldn’t be angry you went dancing. He would be happy that you have lovely and supportive friends who took care of you after such an experience. Being afraid to tell your partner what happened because of his “temper” isn’t a safe relationship. It sounds like a controlling partner: not a man who loves you unconditionally.

    You deserve better than this. You deserve a partner who believes you and doesn’t make you worry about his temper. This isn’t your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.

    Here are a list of some of the red flags of a controlling partner: http://everydayvictimblaming.com/resources/what-is-domestic-violence/red-flags-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse/

    Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge: 0808 2000 247 (http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx)
    Women’s Aid has a forum where you can get support : http://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk
    116 123 (UK)
    116 123 (ROI)

  • Tracy says:

    Hi. I hope your ok. Even though your partner hasn’t hit you or hasn’t threatened to. His behaviour is making you anxious and is emotionally abusive.
    You should never have to worry about a partners reactions. I’ve been there. Mine used to turn off his phone or block my calls when he knew I was upset and needed to talk about something we were arguing about. If I mentioned anything I wasn’t happy about, in our relationship. He immediately lost his temper and shouted or hung up. Knowing full well my response. Knowing how upset/worried I’d be. Especially after past experiences.
    When your lonely you loose sight of what is best for you and are not too choosy on the company you keep it partner you get involved with etc. It can affect the rest of life if you let it.
    Don’t get stuck in the rut of a line of abusive partners. Don’t call him. Stay your friends for a few nights or with your family. Ring the helplines available. Womensaid can be very supportive. The right advisor will even just chat, to help you feel calmer about the situation. Take care of yourself. Everyone deserves to be respected enough, to not be screamed, sworn, threatened, ignored,hit etc x

  • Lynda says:

    Hi Sara im sorry you had to go through you deserve much better.When were scared often we use the fight or flight and are body mind reacts. I had a situation in a black taxi not so long ago and felt violated.Your boyfriend should respect you and understand how the situation made you feel and why you went out with your friend. Lying doesn t help anyone nobody will believe or trust someone who is not honest.
    PTSD symptoms are horrible and i know were your coming from because i ve felt the same ect.
    I would trust in your instict is this relationship right or wrong.i would say work on yourself first get stronger work on your PTSD relationships will happen when the time is right. Your amazing wonderful human being dont forget that and you deserve more. Good luck take care hugs kind regards best wishes Lynda ???