Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Boyfriend raped and then cheated on me

A few months ago my boyfriend and I moved across the country together, he was moving into to my mothers house. We had been stuck together like glue the previos 9 months and I was completely head over heels for him. When we got here my family started pointing out red flags, every time I was happy he would get upset and need support, and pull me away from family and friends. I started distancing myself from him, and he didn't like it. He verbally abused me, said that I was an unloving uncompassionate person. We fought every single night, and I had been assaulted in the past, which he known. Whenever we faught I didn't want to have sex after, and he kept telling me that it was making him feel so ugly and self conscious. Then he started fighting and yelling at me for not wanting to have sex. After about 2 months of fighting him and pressuring myself into having sex. I hadn't slept for more that 4 hours in 2 weeks and after 14 days of In and off breakups and threats I finally gave in. He asked me if we could have sex and I was so exhausted I yelled "just do it, get it over with" and he proceeded to rape me. I cried throughout, didn't move an inch. When It was over I ran to the bathroom and almost threw up, I cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes and when I came out he was sleeping. After that night we didn't really speak until 4 days later on the weekend, he was feeling really down and I brought him back up, helped him feel better. On Sunday I get a text saying we need to talk, I knew the relationship was over but I thought it was about the rape. On Monday I talked to school consellors all morning who helped me deal with the initial shock of being raped. As I was leaving school I ran into him in the hallway, he broke up with me 'for the best of both us, because he needed a person who could make more time for him'. Then I saw the worlds largest hickey on his neck, it took all the strength in me not to break down. He knew what he was doing, he pursued to girl, while she was so intoxicated she doesn't remember. I decided to cut contact with him, but I keep getting the uncontrollable urge to confide in him, to get his comfort and reassurance that it will be okay. I'm so lost and confused and feel completely worthless and disgusting. If anyone has anything that might help, I would really appreciate it:)


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3 thoughts on “Boyfriend raped and then cheated on me

  • Alyssa Salcido says:

    First of all, thank you for sharing your story. I think you are a brave woman who has finally begun to see her worth. I’m no expert at giving advice, but I do know that you have a purpose in life. Right now you might think that purpose is to be with your boyfriend, but I don’t think it is. I think your purpose is to be an example for others who need courage to leave someone who is hurting them. I want to tell you right now that you are not alone. You can turn to someone who is fighting for you right now.

    I am not trying to push my religion onto you, but I want you to know that you are pursuing someone of this earth. Earthly things and people are temporary and fleeting. We never know when they will get up and leave us. But God tells us that he is always here for us, no matter how damaged we think we are.

    “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.”
    Exodus 14:14

    “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Joshua 1:5

    Merry Christmas

  • Admin says:

    Your ‘boyfriend was sexually, emotionally and psychologically abusive. You are not responsible for his actions or his choices. He deliberately separated you from your family and friends so that you had no support network. He then chose to rape you.

    You are not worthless or disgusting. You are a victim of a violent man who made the choice to engage in domestic abuse and rape.

    We believe you and we know that you are not responsible.

    I’m glad your school counsellors helped you in the days after your rape. There are other organisations that can help you with long -term counselling or even a simple chat on the phone. These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • Linda Perry says:

    So sorry that you’ve survived such an awful experience.
    Partners and lovers lift you up and give you strength. Your ex acted more like a virus. You are so much better off without him.
    Please be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself for the rape. It was not your fault.
    The feelings of dependency with fade with time. It is only natural after such an.intense relationship. I promise you that one day you will look back and see how far you have come in your survival.
    Until then take care, be your best friend and treat yourself with loving kindness. Find comfort in friends, family, work, music , hobbies. Start planning things for you to look forward to.
    You can heal yourself and grow positives from this. Not easy, but totally possible.
    Best wishes for you and you’re future.