Boyfriend believe rape was my fault
My boyfriend broke up with me and I was really lost and depressed. I was going out a lot with friends or family to keep myself distracted. One of my girlfriends was very happy I was single and took me under her wing. I knew she wasnt a great friend I could rely on but she was always around and fun to hang out with and she is my oldest friend ever so I had some basic trust in her. I was wrobg to trust her. She wanted me over my ex for her own selfish reason and took me out one night and tried to get me to hook up with her boyfriends friend. I made it clear I wasnt interested. But without my knowledge she had told him that I was and to try talking to me. I turned him down but was still friendly considering I knew I'd probably see him around. Later that night she told me we were going to smoke and we were going to this kids house. I was really drunk at that point and had no other ride. We smoked amd chilled for a bit and she took me aside to ask if i was going to hook up woth him and i said no thanks not interested. It was the 4 of us, her and her bf and me n this kid. She set it all up prob thinking id go woth it. I go to the bathroom and she had gone. I was really messed up from the drugs they gave me as I dont think it was weed like they told me. He kept asking if i was ok and i kept saying no. The night was a blur but he raped me and i only remember bits and pieces. I remember it hurt and feeling helpless and ashamed and grossed out.
About a month later my ex randomly showed up back in my life wanting me back and saying all the things I had always wanted to hear. Things were going well until eventually he found out about the rape and he immediately assumed I must have made it up cuz I was out whoring myself out. I lied to him about it at first which was wrong but i wasnt ready to talk about it. He has come around since then but he still will randomly get angry and blames it on me. He thinks it was my fault cuz i was acting reckless and wasnt being careful which Is partially true. But the fact is that I was raped. I did not consent and couldnt even move to make him stop. He calls me a whore when he gets into his anger outbursts and he says that must be how I am when I'm single. He also stopped trusting me and its been a nightmare dealing with it. I get that he is hurt by it but he asks me things like if i enjoyed it and it makes my skin crawl to even think about it. He claims that i am either a whore or i cant be trusted ever if im drunk because i might cheat. Mind you i've actually never cheated in my life and take my relationships seriously. I feel like he is punishing me. He has been cheated on in the past and i feel like it may be bringing up those old feelings. How can i get him to understand? Can he ever accept this and stop judging me? We just started couples therapy last week and I am hoping to bring this issue up soon. Its hard enough healing from the rape but to have it tear us apart is breaking my heart. He truly loves me. Can he ever accept this for what it is and be on my side?
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