Because of what I was told ‘rape’ meant.. I kept quiet for years. (content note)
Because of what I was told 'rape' meant. I kept quiet for years. Now I'm breaking down and I don't know what to do.
I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend. We would mess around consensually at first, but he started to want more from me and became pushy and coercive. He wanted to use his mothers sex toy on me. I said no. He asked me again. I still said no. He kept on telling me he would like it if I done that. That I would like it too. I didn't want to. I had said no. That should have been the end, but I gave in. I done it. I was grimacing through the entire thing. He didn't even notice how unhappy I looked. It's my fault though, isn't it, because I gave in too soon. He would have said no eventually, surely. But instead I gave in, like the weak, disgusting person I am.
The same thing happened again. Oral sex. Inserting a lolipop inside me. Each time I said no. Each time I gave in. Each time I was left feeling dirty and unpure and rancid.
He convinced my friend and I to mess around in a 'threesome' type situation. Above-neck things only, but still disgusting and humiliating. My friend and I don't know why we did it. We didn't want to. We still cry about it years later.
At 17, I got drunk with a boy I barely knew, and didn't like. I just wanted someone to like me. I wanted to kiss and flirt with somebody. He wanted to finger me. I said no, I said I didn't want to. He told me he wanted to. I didn't want to. I wasn't happy, I wasn't safe, I wasn't sober. I was the first one to give up, like always. Giving up is all I do. Then I'm left with the fallout, the crying, the scratching my skin, the feeling filthy and wanting to tear my skin off and get rid of my disgusting breasts, rip my womb out, bleed and die.
I'm 19 now. I have spoken to mental health nurses and therapists. I have told them what has happened and they told me the things I have been through are rape and sexual abuse. I always thought rape meant kicking and screaming and crying. I thought you could only be abused by strangers in a dark ally. It's hitting me now and I don't know who or what to believe. I am receiving counselling and I am on various medications. I have a boyfriend who I love dearly, but his anger kills me sometimes. He tells me I am selfish. That my life isn't hard. He says fuck my problems. His dad is very, very ill. He is stressed out and struggling. But that is no excuse to demean my struggles and feelings. No matter how many years have passed, it's still all too real for me.
Please help. Advice. Anything. Please help.
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