Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Am I to blame?

*Sorry, long story*
About a year ago, I was out with a friend and she had left me that night. Either way, I had gotten too drunk and was hanging out with a new group of people. I had just moved here a few months back and did not know a lot of people. Anyways, this one guy kept talking to me all night and he ended up saying he would walk me back to my car with his friends. But his friends evens up leaving and he got an uber to his apartment. He told me he had to go to the bathroom but my car was around the corner and he could walk me back afterwards and I was disoriented and drunk so I said okay, not considering what could happen. Anyways, after we got to the apartment, he wouldn't let me leave and told me I had to spend the night because I was drunk. So a guy I had met almost a month before this said he would come pick me up. I lied and told him I was with a group of people so he would still come and get me because I was scared of he knew I was with another guy, he wouldn't come. Either way, he said he would come and so I told the guy I was just going to get picked up to which he still said no. I sat down and waited to get picked up. At this point, the guy came over and had tried to pull my leggings down. I told him I didn't want to and he just said I don't know why you keep saying that. After pushing his arms away for a bit and trying to move out of the way, I just have up. Right before it happened, I basically left my body. I couldn't hear, see, or feel anything. I just laid there. I snapped out of that a little later and the guy hadn't even been by me anymore. The guy that was picking me up was downstairs and the guy said he'd show me how to get to the parking lot. When I left the apartment, I was not even entirely sure what had happened because I was just so in and out of my drunken state. Anyways, the guy kept trying to talk me into staying and i was trying to get away and was walking towards the car still facing the guy saying bye. The next day, he messaged me and it all came back to me. I freaked out and told him that should have never happened etc. flash forward, the guy that picked me up became my boyfriend about three months later. I few months later, I told him about the incident and he doesn't believe that it wasn't concensual. He doubts me and randomly starts questioning me about it and I don't even know what to do. He makes me feel like it was my fault for being there in the first place. He doesn't understand how I wouldnt have fought back and left. How can I help him understand? Our relationship is really great, but this has lead him to not trust me because he always thinks I am lying now since I kept this from him for so long. Am I to blame for putting myself there? I'm so mad at myself for not screaming and fighting him when it was happening. I don't know how to cope with this, I feel blamed for this situation. My boyfriend wants to contact the guy and talk to him about it but that just opens more wounds and that guy is obviously not going to say "yeah I did that." I just don't know what to do.


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One thought on “Am I to blame?

  • Sydney says:

    Clearly, you enjoy this relationship. But your boyfriend treating you this way isn’t okay. You either can keep trying to fix it, by talking more about it to him and showing him how it clearly was rape, or leave him. However, you like the guy, so you should go with the first option. You could try couple’s counseling.