Why is my rape not acknowledged (Content Note child rape, rape, sexual abuse)
We all are very clear as to what constitutes rape. We all think of a female victim that has been forced to have penetrative sex by a male. We all think of a man who has forced a woman in to sex and by forced sex we mainly think of it has forced penetration to the vagina, but can also include the anus and the mouth. This is an absolute horrendous crime to suffer and I am talking from experience.
From as young as I can remember I was raped by my own father, other male relatives and was brought up in a pedophile ring and so was raped and abused by multiple abusers. I grew up thinking rape was normal. It has been part of my life ever since I can remember. I know when my brother was born, so when I was 3years and 10months I was being raped. When my mother went into labor with my brother I remember hiding behind the cot because I didn’t want to be found by my dad. Sadly I was found and yes I was raped. That is probably my first memorable rape. I was raped for 29 years by my father and other men. I have moved 13 times to get away from my abusers and changed my name 3 times so I can not be traced. I have developed PTSD and DID as a way of coping with countless rapes spanning over 29 years. Now to everyone reading this they would have no problem identifying I was raped. I certainly acknowledge myself I was raped BUT when is rape not rape? When is sex without consent not rape? This question should never ever be asked as if someone is forced and pressurized in to sex and can not and does not give consent they are raped.
Now there has been times I have been raped but not raped if that makes sense. The reason why I say this is because my own mother who I prefer to refer to as my incubator raped me. I was her child. I was under 16 so legally I could not consent to sex. This should mean that anyone who had sex with me while I was under 16 was seen as raping me. My mother performed every sexual act on me that a woman can perform on another woman. This means she touched me in sexual ways. She performed oral sex on me and made me do the same to her. She penetrated me with her fingers and with sex toys. Likewise I was made to do the same to her. My mother also helped me by the way. Oh yes by pinning me down so that other men could rape me was her way of helping me. It meant I was unable to struggle or push anyone away and so by keeping me still it was suppose to cause me less pain. Now this is the very woman who should of loved me. The very woman who should of protected me from such horrendous abuse. The women who I trusted the most in the world. Instead I wanted to make her love me so did as I was told. I knew when she looked in to my eyes that she hated me for simply existing. I never had a mother. In my opinion I was brought up by a gang of male and female rapists.
Now as a 35 year old woman I should have the right to call my abuse what I like. I do have that right but legally eventhough my mother had sex with me without my consent she cant be charged with rape. Because she didn’t have a real penis she will never ever be charged with rape. Now I have to live with the legacy of my abuse that impacts my life every day. I have huge problems with intimacy. I find it difficult to trust men because of the rapes I endured but I also find it hard to trust women because I know from first hand experience they can and do rape. In a way I can live with the fact men raped me. We are taught at school that men rape. That anyone including your father can sexually abuse you. Yes your told its wrong but if you lived this life since you was at least 3 years old to you it is normal. I have every right to call my father a rapist. I am absolutely sickened that I don’t have the right to call my mother a rapist. The law tells me my mother didn’t rape me. Rape crisis campaigns tell me my mother didn’t rape me. Society and its attitudes and beliefs tell me my mother didn’t rape me. The police tell me my mother didn’t rape me. I was the one who had to endure my experiences inflicted on me by dear mother and yet I do not even have the right to name my experience. Legally I guess it would be called sexual assault. Society I guess would call it sexual abuse. Any other person that wants to label my experience has no right minimizes what I have been through. They have not lived through what I have lived through at the hands of the very person who should have seen me as the most perfect and precious person in the world. They do not have to live with my memories of feeling like I was only good for sex by everyone in my life. They do not have to live wondering what made my mother hate me so much. They do not have to live with a body that has been damaged beyond repair because of the abuse she has endured. They don’t have to live with the fact they will never have children of their own. Most of all they don’t have to live with the biggest betrayal of trust as the last person anyone thinks would sexually abuse their child is a mother.
There is not a day that goes past that I don’t think of my abuse. There is not a day where I am not reminded that I am different from other people. I know other people who have been abused but most have a healthy relationship with other family members or have children of their own. I have no family whatsoever. I feel alienated in so many ways and that is because I was raped by my own mother. It is because to my mother I was simply a doll and a sex toy to be used at her leisure. If I was just raped by my father I think I would find that easier to live with. I may still have a relationship with my mother. I would be deemed a normal stereotypical survivor. I would not have my experiences discredited by people who quite frankly have no fucking right telling me what I have and haven’t experienced. I am pleased that society can see a father can rape his own daughter. I am happy that this angers people as these sub humans really are the scum of the earth. I am very hurt and angry that people can not see that mothers rape their own sons and daughters. My brother was also raped by my mum and dad but I do not want to write his life story as I don’t have his permission. Boys are also raped though by men and women. Forced sex is rape. A woman can have sex with other men and with other women, and sadly children even though she does not have a penis. Would we say that every lesbian out there does not have real sex because neither woman has a penis. Sex is not just the act of a penis entering a vagina. There a several acts that can be classed as sex and when any of these acts are forced by a woman it is not consensual sex and therefore it should be seen as rape. If these sex acts take place with a child under 16 who can not give consent it should be classed as rape. I should never feel like my rape wasn’t real. I should never have to feel that what I went through with my mother isn’t as bad as what I went through with my father. Emotionally it’s the worst thing I have lived through. As a woman I can not understand why anyone would do such sickening things to their daughter. I can not understand why my mother didn’t love me. I have to live with the fact that my mothers rapes were not as painful as the rapes from my father and other men and so my body responded. To a young child I thought this was a sign my mother finally loved me as she had made me feel pleasure. This has just caused further damage harm and confusion.
Laws need to be changed so that all victims get justice. I will never ever get justice for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons is because my rapist was a woman. The law means a woman can not rape. This means I am silenced. It means I do not even have the right to label what happened to me it is already determined by others who can not imagine what I have suffered. I am invisible when it comes to victims. I am a survivor but when it comes to the abuse I suffered from my mother I do not exist. I am not a survivor because what I deem as the truth I am told its not. I may as well be called a liar. I not only have to live with my abuse and the shame pain and blame that causes but I also have to live with society compounding my distorted views. How can I be a survivor when what my mother did is not even seen as rape? How can I feel normal when I am bombarded by rape crisis campaigns showing every possible scenario of rape but not one where a woman man or child is raped by a woman? These campaigns exclude me and yet the campaigners are ignorant to the damage they cause me as to them people like me don’t even exist. They tell me to keep quiet. They tell me my experience was abuse not rape. They tell me women don’t do that sort of thing. They tell me rape by women is not as bad as rape by men because women can not and are not charged with rape. Yes men get away with rape but at least when they are arrested etc they are arrested for rape. My mother would be arrested for sexual assault. Sexual assault is a lesser offence than rape and so this tells me what happened was not that bad.
Well to be frank I couldn’t give a toss what the law wants to stipulate. I don’t care for these campaign’s. They are simply run by people who think they are acting in the best interest of women but are actually scared to tackle the unspeakable and the unbelievable. I am not scared to talk about the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the unbearable, the unspeakable and the unbelievable. I cant not afford to be scared because if I allowed the fear that controlled me for so long to carry on controlling I wouldn’t survive. I can not afford to be silent because I am fully aware that silence allows abusers and rapists the biggest tool they need to carry on. I will not allow others the power to keep me quiet and allow their campaigns to focus on stereotypical victims. I exist. My experience was real. I lived it and I get to name it. Yes I was raped. Yes I lived through it. Yes I still suffer the aftermath but my mother no longer has the right to control me. She no longer has the right to rape me. To me staying silent is allowing her to rape me all over again because my silence allows people to think it didn’t happen and doesn’t happen. I know it did. My mother knows it did and we both have to live with our conscience. Mine is a lot clearer than hers. To me no woman deserves to be raped. Given the fact I am called a liar every day simply because society is ignorant a taste of her own medicine may just help her realize what agony she inflicted on me. Seeing as the legal system will forever let me down maybe the only punishment for her would be if she happens to fall victim to rape. She would become one of the 1/3 women who are raped and to be honest I would smile to myself. Justice finally done because she has suffered like I have. She cant be charged with her crime so maybe in this one case what goes around comes around. I should love my mother but I hate her. She is the only person I would wish rape upon. No two wrongs don’t make a right but there should never be a case where rape is not rape and no victim should feel powerless and unable to name her experience for what it was.
So is there a case when rape isn’t rape. To one brave survivor no. She suffered it, she endured it, she has survived it but most importantly she has herself named her experience. Everyone who tries to tell her she wasn’t raped is condoning rape and silencing others. I will never be silenced. I hope others are just as brave and strong and tell their stories. These campaigns silence people who have been raped by women. It means they don’t come forward. That means because survivors don’t come forward society and the people behind these campaigns can go on living with the comfortable idea that women don’t rape. We continue to fight for womens right and for women to be safe but at what price? By telling survivors they don’t matter and by telling women yes you deserve equal rights but not equal responsibilities when they do wrong. I want a equal system for everyone where every survivor of rape gets justice and every rapist regardless of gender gets punishment. That is one reason I set up http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/55331. I have also written the following documents highlighting men two can be victims.
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