Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Why does my boyfriend take it out on me, when I was raped?

Last summer, me (I am a girl) and 2 very good girl friends of mine went out of the country to a country music festival in America (we are from Canada). We drove down we my two friends and one of their families, as we would all stay and camp out at the site together and so that nothing "bad would happen to us with adult supervision." Yeah right.
The first night we were there, we met up with some of my one friend's friends, 2 boys who were also there for the concert and camping out a different site. Both were very nice and accomodating to all of us, making sure we had drinks and enough water throughout the day so we wouldn't get dehydrated, making sure no guys bothered us, etc. I must stress they were being genuinely nice, not at all trying to sleep with us or get with any of us, etc. The one boy had a girlfriend, and the other saw us as friends and nothing more, or so I thought.

I had recently dropped 25 pounds and hadn't drank all summer, so when I did I was not sure on how much tolerance my body had. Obviously it was not much, because one night I completely blacked out and woke up the next morning (the morning we were leaving) in my tent beside my friends. "Thanks for getting me back safe!" I said. My friend laughed and said I had brought them both on a wild goose chase when they lost me in the crowd, but eventually found me with the boys. And then my one friend broke down and started crying.

I asked her "What's wrong?" And she just claimed one of the boys last night had been a jerk. I agreed and said most boys can be. So we packed up and began the 8 hour drive home.

My friend continued to cry and we kept asking her what he did that was so bad, as I obviously could not remember and my other friend had not been there.

Finally, she turned to me and asked if I remembered anything that happened last night. I said you know I don't. And then she said: "Last night I found you passed out with no pants or underwear, in the boys camper, and you were totally incoherent and couldn't walk, and one of the boys said they slept with you." I immediately began hyperventilating and crying, as I had no recollection of it and he claimed I was lucid and said it was okay. I know and everyone else knows I would never EVER be unfaithful to my boyfriend, and because my friend found me in the state she did, we concluded that it must have been rape. Needless to say the boys are no longer friends and neither is anyone else with him.

Going back home I had no idea how to tell my boyfriend, as we had been having issues and I thought he would blame it on me. So I kept it from him (I know big mistake), but I was overcome with so much guilt and sadness and thought that it was my fault.
When I finally did tell him 2 months later, he fumed and broke a whole shelf, absolutely furious. Now he doesn't ever like it when I drink, go out, etc.

I understand where this stems from as he probably feels guilt that he could not protect me, he told me not to go to the concert, he told me not to drink excessively (at the time I didn't think I was), etc.

Anyways now he is always mad whenever friday rolls around and I want to do something, even with him involved. He claims to not like drinking even though he will jump at the opportunity to drink and party with his friends, but he just wants to sit and stay in and stare at the wall with me.

Is it over? Should it be done with as obviously he isn't getting over it and I can't possibly heal if he's always moody and cranky with me? I feel guilty enough as is.

 

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4 thoughts on “Why does my boyfriend take it out on me, when I was raped?

  • Rachael Ray says:

    Sadly your boyfriend is placing his feelings above yours. You had an awful experience, which will take time to heal from, but your life shouldn’t stop because if what happened to you, and neither should your boyfriends. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and if your boyfriend can’t support you by helping you to see this then perhaps your relationship can’t recover. You need to figure out what will help you to heal and move forward, if he can’t be part of that then the relationship may well be over.

  • Firstly, let me say how sorry I am to hear this story.

    Addressing the person who wrote this directly: You went to this event in good faith, expecting to have a good time, expecting to be safe. You had a drink and these so called friends took advantage of you. There is a strong possibility that your drink was spiked.

    You, we all, no matter what gender, should be able to go out, drink and make merry without the fear of assault of any kind. Remember, men are raped too.

    This was not your fault. This really was not your fault. The guilt belongs to the men who raped you. It is not your guilt.

    I would strongly recommend that you seek counselling with someone who specialises in helping people recover from rape. And I think you could be right, whilst your boyfriend is acting as he is, he is holding you back from recovery. Perhaps counselling could help him too.

    We certainly need to educate everyone that it is not ok to presume consent. It is not ok to blame the victim. An intoxicated person is in need of care not exploitation.

    Good luck to you lovely lade, drop the guilt and have a wonderful life, the life you obviously deserve.

  • Sam says:

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your boyfriend should understand that what happened was not your fault or due to the fact you were drinking – it is because someone chose to rape you in that circumstance. You were not irresponsible you just went to have fun. He is judging your actions when he should be judging the rapist. I think this stems from his own insecurities but this is unfair on you because what you need now is care and understanding and help to heal from what has happened. If he cannot do this then please think of yourself and do what is best for you. We harbour enough guilt over something that was not our fault and the last thing we need is someone adding to that feeling. You need someone in your life who will support and reassure you on your healing road – you deserve that and nothing less.

  • E says:

    I had a similar experience with an ex who I comfided in straight away about the rape. He was never able to understand what had happened to me and our relationship quickly broke down as a result. I stayed in the relationship dispite it being fraught with problems because I wrongly thought that no one was going to understand. We later broke up and I have now met someone who deals with it amazingly! When you find the right person to confide in (friend, partner, relative, counsellor) you can really start to move on and take hold of your life :)