Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Who’s To Blame Really?

Hi, I thought I would share my experience. It is written like I am writing to my ex. I just started typing and let it all out like that. I guess I did not know how else to share my story. I have never really spoken about this simply because I always thought I was to blame for how bad the relationship ended up being.

I loved you with all my heart, You returned that love by breaking me down and tearing me apart. I was desperate for your love and your attention and you were eager to show me your power and strength. It was my mistake to not leave you when I first met with your dark side, that first night you wanted to show me your "love". I still remember that night like it was yesterday. You were over at my place for the night, our relationship was only new and I thought we were taking things slowly.

But how wrong was I to think something like that, especially since you had been drinking that night. I did not want our first night together to be one where you were a drunken mess, maybe I was wrong to think such thing. You started pulling at my clothes, groping me and breathing heavy on me like a panting dog. I pleaded and said "No, please. I'm not ready", You sighed deeply and quite simply said back to me "Don't you love me? I mean this is what two people in a relationship do. If you don't have sex with me then it means you don't love me. It means you think I am unappealing".

There was silence, I remember pleading with you for the longest time. I did not want to have sex with you that night, but NO was not something you wanted to hear that night. In my gut I knew then that if I had not succumbed to your advances and given you what you wanted, then you were going to take it by force. I remember just laying there, my body could not even move as I felt your full weight on top of me, your heavy breathing on my skin. Once you finished you rolled yourself off of me, I got up and left the room but not quick enough before you asked me for a glass of water. I silently gave you the water and then before I knew it you had passed out cold.

I showered three times that night and sat alone in the corner of the lounge room unsure of what had just happened. I confided in a friend at around three o'clock that morning, I told her what had happened. She said it was rape, I got angry straight away and denied that that is what had happened. I know that I said NO many times to you, but it could not have possibly been rape because I gave in. I gave in to protect myself from you taking it by force. I still don't know to this day if what happened that night was rape, all I know is that I can't forget it and or get over it.

I wanted to believe that you actually loved me, you did not call me back for four days and I did not try calling you. But you said you wanted to see me again and I foolishly to decided to continue the relationship, telling myself that what happened that night was just a mistake and you never would do anything to hurt me. You were nice for a whole month, you were there when I found a photo of myself working followed by degrading comments posted by management and staff that I worked with on a fellow colleagues facebook wall.

I soon moved in with you, but then everything changed. First I did not eat enough and you were constantly trying to get me to eat more and more, apparently Breakfast, lunch and dinner is not enough for a young woman and therefor she needs more food. Then it was my clothes and my hair, I had to look exactly how you wanted me to look. I essentially became your little private barbie doll. And when ever I tried to be anything different you pulled me back into line with your courtesy punches and beat downs.

Before I knew it I was only speaking when spoken too, only clothed when you wanted me clothed, I also had to make sure the house was clean and dinner prepared for you when you got back home from work. And if I managed to behave just the way you wanted, you would "reward" me with sex, because then that was just a satisfying days work for you.

The nights you drank you would yell abuse at me, I was your punching bag. You would grip my throat and hold it tight while I gasped for air, you would grab my arm and try to snap it. A few times you even lifted me up over your head and threw onto the ground. I was five foot seven, and you were well over six foot tall with a very muscular build. You knew you stronger than me and you knew you could over power me.

I finally got the courage to leave you one night after you passed out cold from too much alcohol consumption. I called my sister and with her help we packed all my things into our car and left in the middle of the night. You woke late the next day, you always did when drinking the night before. I received that many messages and threatening phone calls that I lost count at around 5 o clock in the afternoon. I was so angry at you and my stupidity for staying with you so long that I smashed just about every glass object I owned. My sister had never seen me so lost and shattered before, she was actually worried about me. My room looked like my soul, the very piece of me that you tore apart.

A few weeks later you had your best friend call me and tell me that you had tried to kill yourself because you were so upset that I had left you. Your friend told me that you nearly died and that you were so sorry for having hurt me and all you wanted was to see me and work things out. I felt so horrible for being the reason that you nearly died, so I called you and talked. You promised me that you were getting help and that you were working on being a better man. You said that you were going to treat me right and that you were not going to drink anymore.

I stupidly believed you, so I went over to your house one night because you said you had something special planned. When I arrived I was greeted by anything but special. There was your blood all over the front entry way, you wanted me to see how close to death you were when you tried to end your life because of me. The smell of blood choked me as it invaded my senses. You had already consumed half a bottle of vodka and you had six ceders and four cruisers in the fridge ready to drink as well. I tried to leave but you held me back and said simply "You have to stay to see that I can drink without hurting you".

You pushed me down onto the chair and pulled out a big knife, you looked at me and smiled as the fear rose up in my body. You were going to make me stay no matter what. After stripping me down you continued to drink and make sexually explicit remarks to me, constantly grabbing me pulling me into you when I tried to move away from you. Before long you had consumed all your alcohol and you wanted more, your night was not over and my night of terror was just beginning.

You threw my clothes at me and told me to get dressed, holding the knife to me you led me out to the car and told me that I needed to find a bottle shop so you could buy more alcohol. After driving around for what seemed life forever I finally found an open bottle shop. You took the car keys off me and left me in the car while you went to get what you wanted. I could of left, but I had no idea where I was and I was fearful of what would happen if you were to get me while I was trying to get away.

When you got me back to your house you once again stripped me off and then proceeded to padlock the front and back door. The only two doors that would allow me escape from the house when you had passed out and you padlocked me in. There were bars on all the windows so I knew there was no chance of escaping and on top of that you had taken my mobile phone so I could not even call anyone to help me get out.

You held me for over twenty four hours before I managed to get away, you were in the shower and forgot to take the key to padlock with you. So I grabbed my chance and left, bloodied and bruised I could not get away quick enough. A few nights later I received an email from you threatening to kill me, my family and my friends. I was hiding out at a friends place too scared to go home out of fear that you would show up there, but after receiving your email I had no choice but to go home and tell my parents of the danger that you were going to be.

My dad took me to the court house the following day and an emergency apprehended violence order was put in place by the judge immediately because your death threat was considered serious. I had to return to court the following month where you could defend yourself against having a two year apprehended violence order placed against you. You never showed and the judge having read everything that you did to me in my eighteen page statement put the order through in two minutes.

You continued to rear your ugly head, lurking in the shadows you followed me home after I took my niece to the park one morning. Once you knew I was home alone you called the police telling them I was suicidal and trying to kill myself. You would show up to the house and turn the power off while I was alone, you would call my phone from a private number breathing heavy into the phone while playing sick love songs to me. I was forced to close my account on facebook because you were stalking me on there until finally I was told it would be safer for me to just leave town because the police could not find you anywhere and they could not guarantee my safety.

I changed my phone number, moved three thousand kilometers away and I let go of all my friends if only to keep them safe from you. And through all that I still survived, yet I don't know how. My mistake was staying with you when I should have left the instant you showed your truly colors. Your mistake was thinking it is was okay to hurt another person.

Funny though that through that my father said "I told you he was a bad person Jessica. I don't know why you stayed with him", and my mother said "I told you I never liked him, but you never listen to your mother". What I did not get was that they actually never told me those things. In fact my Mum said she liked him and she thought he was very polite, and Dad thought he was a great guy.

So in the end I felt even worse because I felt like I was to blame more for staying as long as I did and for not actually interpreting my parent's praises for you to be the complete opposite. So who is to blame really?

 

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One thought on “Who’s To Blame Really?

  • Admin says:

    You are not to blame. Your abuser is to blame. We believe you. If you need help and support, we have agencies who can provide this on our ‘Get Support’ page. They are mainly UK based, but if you would like us to find a service local to you, contact us (in confidence) by email everydayvictimblaming@gmail.com.
    Sending peaceful thoughts.