What matters in life to me after my voice is being constantly denied by the public bodies …
What matters in life to me after my voice is being constantly denied by the public bodies here and when i say things i'm then i'm punished by the public bodies for being out spoken this is my journey my plan to heal frim rape and abuse and my mental health difficulties to embrace my inner child and to become whole.
A couple of days a go I wrote here my story my sadness and despair. The local police force I have complained to now involved another one as well for bullying and humiliation because of my mental health difficulties and my physical chronic illness that I live with. Its sad in this day and age we can't voice are despair our distress and aqueous nor stand up and have our voice heard by our local police forces without them retribution of bullying and humiliation and taking the piss out of out difficulties. My voice has been taken away from me this police force on a numerous occasions because I say things they don't like I'm a lone voice in a wilderness of abuse and ridicule. Why do we it seems to me live in lawless times like back before Sir Robert Peel the first home office set up the law enforcement to protect uphold the law in openness, transparency respect, honesty and integrity. Do we as survivors of horrendous abuse deserve not to be heard to be silenced by the professionals who are their to uphold the law to protect the vulnerable, to serve the communities with dignity and respect for the diverse communities they live in and serve and are part of as human beings.
Why as a society we see lawlessness, abuse of women, men, boys and girls rife in our society that goes unnoticed or even isn't addressed and pushed under the carpet. Aren't these voices allowed to be heard to bear witness of their pain their distress caused by a perpetrator who does not live within or respect the law of this land and sometimes laughs at the law because they no they can break the law whether they want to. This is because their person who they abuse is classed as a non starter isn't reliable because of mental health difficulties, learning difficulties or another type of communication problem. We see if people drink the media slaughter them saying its because their drunk or they way some people dress they where they were asking for it. That is societies stigma and shame about abuse and rape that is somehow their fault. The media compound this with their negative serotype of what a victim is well it can be anybody anywhere at any time class no distinction of a person abusing and violating another's body and personal space.
If the media, the police, others factors of blaming the victim adding more trauma on top of the original trauma a human being has already. Then the world maybe more supportive, more understanding, more able to reach out the pain the suffering of another. We then can see more people address the psychological problems a victim/survivor/warrior can be at times back and forth through the journey to understand and process their trauma and try to overcome and deal with it. Do we as a society shun the victim or do we stand in shoulder and shoulder and address the awfulness of rape and the abusing another's person body, mind and soul. Rape and abuse isn't just about power and control it's about destructive of another person's right to have a life and become who they were meant to become in the beginning before the awfulness of the trauma ever happened. To destroy an adult is to abuse them as kids and then again to turn away from their suffering and their distress to victim blame them and shun them as people. We lock them up, we denied them a voice and then they become destructiveness of themselves and their own bodies and their souls. We then tell them their defective their something anally wrong with them as humans beings we label and marginalized them and sometimes we are given medication which only numbs their pain which does not help some people but does help others, but never lets them face conquer and address their feelings inside or their memories of their trauma.
Life what does life gives us are memories of good and bad but we are more than a label, more that are trauma, we are more than our past. Its a journey a struggle to become whole but I know it can be done life does not define us we are all magnificent in our own way even with weaknesses and flaws we all have vulnerabilities but we as humans are much more. I often say to my support person at university life owns us nothing what ever we can become we can work at it, even with the highs, lows, the anger, the frustration of our failings and many flaws we have a human beings. The nightmares and flashbacks I have often stop my breath and I often go in a step back motion like on Wednesday I had to be somewhere and I was feeling fragile and had a bad flashback on the way to the station and on the train. All I wanted to do was cry because I felt so fragile and scared and the memory had taken me back to a place I know I have to face and I had to return home and I cried for the most of the night. The futility of abuse and rape it can come back at a moments notice and leave you breathless, a heightened state of anxiety and inner distress that your breath and life is taken away from you for that one moment one step that can at times take a big step back in your journey of life. Then you become vulnerable, frightened often scared and angry for that moment that one step your mind takes over and your run to hide again in your mind to hide from the world the destructiveness of your soul. The pain is to much to bear the destructiveness, the sadness and the sorry comes over and it overwhelms you and you become stagnant. Then distress for me is very apparent but their is hope it will and does get better.
The journey step by step hopefully as we journey to become whole and one again as the child connects to us as we connect to our inner child. We begin to love our outer selves and slowly as we connect to our pain to the inner child we can learn to love them as well. We can hold the child in the corner of the room in our brain in our hearts; we can become one whole person a step at a time to love to hold the child and say sorry we just a child ourselves but we can help now we couldn't before we were to sad, to angry, to hurt. One step at a time each hurt, each pain, each trauma to hold the inner child in our arms and say we are here we love you and we will hold you and help you deal with your inner pain. The voices, the abusive voices in my head often the destructiveness of ones mind, ones soul, I was to young I couldn't deal with my pain, my mind slowly disintegrated and slowly each trauma my voices came into my mind. Split of to become destructive and abusive to my inner mind inner consciousness and to my whole self. The voices, the anger, the abusive ones, the ones who have no voice that hide in the corner of my mind the small children trying to shout to say but can't the pain for them is to hard to real, they have no voice to because they can't shout say their is no voice. The most abusive destructive ones are the most hurt but they are most loud horrible to deal with and their the most horrible to myself. That's were I have to begin in this journey to help and recover the ones who have no voice the frightened child the child that hides in the corner who shakes in fright and the tears that have no sound help and to heal, to hold and to love and say its going to be ok we can get their.
Their abuse of a child and then again as a Adult/wife is the time to say stop I don't need to be in this pattern anymore my life, my journey, my health, my education matters to me I'm worth it to heal to have a life to be me the whole me one step one mountain to climb. To day is a day of rest a reflection of the steps I need to heal, overcome and just be me and at peace that's all that one can ask for just today where my body metaphorically has become battered and bruised by the bullies. The police might bully me and who ever else they get involved but at the scheme of things in my life they don't matter because at the end of the day I matter to me, my children matter to me and how ever they play the games to hurt and bully me they don't matter in my life or my plan of my life because they are nothing to me or my children their the most important things in my life my kids and myself my education my health and a place were we can become safe and call home which is not this place. Thanks for reading I hope you to can find hope and peace and no it was never your fault nor was it your shame, nor your guilt what happen to you it was and only was the person who raped and abused you. I send my love and hope to you all keep safe thanks as always sharing your stories and helping me in my journey I often feel less isolated and alone take care best wishes L
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