Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

was what happened wrong?

I feel guilty even posting here but I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since it happened and I don't know how I'm feeling

I took this guy home about a month ago, I was drunk and I wanted to prove to myself I was over my ex-girlfriend and I noticed within the first ten minutes he was a lot more violent and rough than I was expecting but it was my first time with a guy so I went along with it but he just kept getting rougher and I started feeling more and more out of my depth. I asked him if we could take a break and try some other stuff for a bit and this time he said yeah and thats what we did. After that I felt okay to carry on having sex, which I asked him to stop after about 15 minutes because it was hurting and I was starting to change my mind. He didn’t for a while and kept getting rougher and just ignored me saying no and I couldn’t push him away. I sort of gave up then? like I knew I couldn’t stop him and he wouldn’t listen to me so i just lay there and hoped he’d finish soon. eventually he did stop but then he started to pressure me into doing other stuff, whenever I'd try and move away from him he would grab either my arms or my hair and push me towards him. He was so much stronger than me and I didn’t know how to get him to leave so I just let him because he hadn't listened before. eventually he was finished and i convinced him to leave and i know i’m never going to see him again but I just feel so wrong, I’m scared of everything and i’m anxious all of the time and all I can think about is how this is honestly nothing, it wasn’t violent and he didn’t hurt me properly but it’s all I can think about since then

 

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