Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Victim blaming

Have had the most horrific experience today involving abetting with a group
Of professionals.
Having had stalking and violence for the past 20 months.
I was told by the chairperson that I need to stop playing the victim and get stronger about the intimidation my ex continues to display. I was accused of not moving on with my life and living I the past.
I was strangled by my husband and suffered horrific stalking since last year.
This man has not left me alone and despite relocating 8 miles away has secured a job in my town driving past my house on a daily basis, non molestation loophole allows for employment purposes.

I feel he uses this to harass and get at me. I was told by the chairperson that if he was that frightening or that bad, I would not have moved out of a refuge and back home. I came home due to family reasons and the fact my daughters mental health with deteriorating.

I was also told that as he issued death threats last year to me. That it was ages ago and it's nothing to worry about.

I've never been so upset in a meeting before, I was told to allow contact with our daughter even though it was stopped by social services as one my ex can't take me to court, but two it will stop his stalking behaviour and he will leave me alone as he wants to see his daughter, he's not interested in me.

As part of his punishment he was sent on a dv perpetrators course, where it was stating he recognised he was verbally and emotionally abusive, but taking part in it, he realised he was the victim of abuse. I was then asked whether I has withdrawn myself emotionally from him and didn't show him the love he needed. The chairperson also stated that he's a traditional man and do that's why he behaved in this way.

I've never been so horrified in my life, these are professionals who are meant to understand the affects of domestic violence.

This man frightens me daily, I'm stuck in a cycle of not only abuse from him but also the professionals involved now.
I thought times had changed, but today showed me that attitudes and beliefs still exists with some professionals.

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One thought on “Victim blaming

  • Lanie says:

    I feel your pain and, unfortunately, agree that DV court hasn’t improved in 20 years. It was almost 20 years ago when female family court judge tried to hold me in contempt for not participating in JOINT family counseling with then husband of which I was on 9th restraining order! They are still not being properly trained for their jobs. A lot like police today. Not much has changed in 20 years…actually, may have gotten worse. There’s definitely much less empathy for each other today. May God give you peace through this trying period of your life.