Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Unicorn hunting = assault? My boyfriend doesn’t think so.

Hi everyone.

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together nearly a year and a half. We are both openly bisexual, and we were close friends for a good six months before we started dating. During that period of time we collected a group of mutual guy-friends, so about half the time I'm hanging out with "the boys" and the other half with my own friends. I consider myself a strong person, I don't complain, I was raped repeatedly between the ages of 5-11 and I've been making efforts to overcome panic disorders, mood disorders and depression ever since. My boyfriend knows all this and my strong stance as a feminist is something he said initially attracted him to me.

The story: The other night a mutual friend (X) and his girlfriend (Y) were visiting from out of state. I'm not a big drinker (because of my meds) but it was Saint Patrick's Day and everybody had been pub-hopping since the early afternoon. My boyfriend (J) and our mutual bestie (M) and I went to a friends' that evening when everyone else was already drunk we definitely had had one too many by the end of the night as well.

So we're all drunk. Y is making out with me because why-not-put-on-a-show-for-our-boyfriends. Eventually X and Y have cornered me in a room, and before I realized we were the only three there and that the door had been closed, they're trying to have a threesome with me. Y makes out with me, X moves in and gropes me. I got up and - I'm seriously not kidding - said "I love J," and then kicked over a beer so I could escape to "go get paper towels." I went right up to my boyfriend and told him what happened and that I didn't do anything, he said he believed me, and I thought he'd get a little jealous and then we'd go home and have great sex. Not what happened.

I've never seen him so angry. He almost punched X, dragged me out of the party and it didn't take long for him to start blaming me for what happened. This was almost two weeks ago and we've talked about it and I've said my piece about "if it were someone holding me at knifepoint on the street would it still be my fault?" and "did you even ASK me how I was feeling about any of this??"

He's been avoiding me, he gives me this look like "I love you but I can't look at you right now," like I'm damaged goods. He doesn't really deny it. I don't know what to do, I'm shocked he would react this way and really hurt. I don't want to belabor it but I can't get over his thinking and he's been avoiding me.

Help, I don't want to break up with him but I'm worried this has caused permanent damage.


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3 thoughts on “Unicorn hunting = assault? My boyfriend doesn’t think so.

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

    We believe you and this is not your fault.

  • Siân says:

    If you don’t want to break up with him maybe just take some space. No one should feel entitled to make you feel your assault was your fault. It wasn’t. I believe you.

    Please take some time and space for self care. You as a person matter more than you as part of a relationship. Right now please, please focus on you. It really is not your fault and I believe you.

  • Gemma says:

    Men are funny creatures when their”property” is damaged- he may feel guilty himself and can’t look at you. Either way you did what you need.
    Give each other some space and hopefully he will come around.