Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Too scared to say this to your face!!

So i guess i may as well start with this evening, im at home, front door bolted, back door bolted, all the windows locked, (even though its a warm evening) and im still worried..... why worry you may be thinking, surely your fine, locked up in the house, nothing can hurt you right?

(WRONG)

Today my counselor asked me if i feel safe, safe i replied, "i don't even know what that word means"!! I mean i know what the dictionary version of safe means, but that doesn't seem to apply to me, i don't feel safe anywhere, i haven't for a long long time and you have done that to me, im scared to go out, im scared to stay inside, im scared of people, im scared to go to sleep, or even lay down, im scared that people can smell the disgusting stench of you on me, im scared to be touched, sometimes even by my own children, and i hate you for that, i want so badly to tell you how much i hate you, how you have ruined my life, but again, im too scared, im not scared that you will hit me, kick, or punch me, that doesn't even bother me anymore, what does bother me is the fact i have trained my mind not to care, to just except what i thought i couldn't change, don't you feel ashamed of yourself, cause you should!!!!

Today was a fairly hot day, but i looked different to everyone else around me, cause they can wear tops with no sleeves, shorts, pretty summer dresses, but not me, the fact that every part of my body is covered in scars from various beatings over the years is bad enough, but you have told me for more than 20 years how disgusting i am, that im trying to attract other men, that i look like a slag unless i wear clothes that cover me from my neck down to my feet, so again im scared, but not just of what you will say, but that if someone that knows you will see me and tell you!

every time my phone rings im afraid its you calling, then before i even answer im thinking to myself, have i done anything wrong today? have i done something that could make you mad, have i been somewhere you wouldn't be happy about? and all this happens before i even know if its you calling!!!

every time someone knocks my door i get scared, whose there, is it you? is it one of your minions, but it hardly matters does it cause the knock alone is enough to put me into pure panic mode!!!

people have said to me plenty of times, just don't open the door, but that's easier said than done, and you know that don't you, you shout obscenities outside my house, make a spectacle, play music super loud from your car so my neighbors get upset with me, but worse than that you have made me so afraid of the known and unknown that i think its just easier for all round to open the door, all i can think is, he will get angry, it will get worse the next time i see you, so i just open the door. does this make you feel good, does it get you off that im so afraid of you????

we are supposed to live in a free world, but i feel like a prisoner, but the reality is i would have more freedom in prison than i have now! so back to the question... do i feel safe, put simply, NO, and the honest truth is i cant remember a time when i did, and sadly, im not sure i ever will!

A isva at a rape crisis center saw what you did to me once, saw how badly you had hurt me, she asked me what happened, i told her it was ok cause that's just what happens when you fuck me, when she asked me if i wanted that, i told her no, but its not worth the argument to resist, she told me that your not fucking me, that your raping me, this statement of course made me super upset and angry, and still does sometimes, i didn't know why for a long time, but through counseling i have realized its because the word rape is real, its something really bad and i thought it gave me control by saying it was something different, not admitting you had that kind power over me, but as usual i was wrong, it didn't give me any control, you had it all.

when you hit me, force me, or make me too scared to say no, that is rape, its doesn't matter the situation.

Every single decision i have to make gives me a headache, from going anywhere, who i talk too, what i wear, how i punish the children, what the kids wear when you have them, what i feed them, even down to how i clean my home, and then you tell everyone how crazy and incapable i am, when i stutter, get confused, or take so long to answer what are sometimes the most simple questions. oh god i really hate you!!!!

Ive been told by various people that help me, that they are confident that i can have a happy life free from you, i say that its a good job they are confident, because im really not, to me your like one of those bad guys from the movies with these mad super powers, and you have a force field around you that allows you to behave anyway you please without fearing any repercussions, and at the same time sucking all the life and spirit from everything you touch!!

you have this amazing talent for coming across like this amazing suave wonderful guy, and to be honest i really don't understand it, but i want you to know that i see you, i know who and what you are, and trust me, its nothing to be proud of. im sick of making excuses for you, Ive done it for too many years, when you let the kids down, i make excuses, when you hurt me, i make excuses, when your rude to people, i make excuses, well im tired of it, i don't want to to it anymore. what have i ever done that's so bad it would warrant the things you do to me, by no means am i a perfect person, but i no way deserve all the bad things you have done to me, or allowed other scum to do to me, you made me believe for a long time i was worth nothing more than the life i was living with you, but that has to change, i am worth more, maybe not much more, but i should be able to at least go to sleep at night, wake up and not feel sad that i did.

do you have any idea how you make me feel when you do the things you do to me, I cut myself, sometimes just to feel, to feel something different to what you make me feel, sometimes just so i can bring myself back into the now, and not be in that bad place i at times find myself.

you always to tell people that im a fat bitch, a bad mother, lazy c..., a slag, and a dirty whore, i told my counselor that and she asked me if i believe those things and i told her it didn't really matter if i did or not, but now i think it kind of does matter, one of the rules in my home is that all mirrors are turned around to face the wall unless being used, but then must be turned back to face the wall, our children never question this rule because its all they know, its just something that you do as far as they're concerned, but its not is it, but the truth is, i hate to see myself, my own reflection makes me feel sick, and to be honest kinda sad, do you know what it can do to a person to be triggered by their own reflection, to be repulsed by the very body they have no choice but to live in, and can never escape.
i really fucking hate you, and i don't feel bad saying it, but i hate myself too, i hate that i wasn't strong enough to stand up to you, and i hate that im still not! Im sad that at 14/15 years old, no one loved or cared enough about me to take me away from you, im sad that i can no longer have my best friend in my life, the one person who knows me inside out, the one person that i can just be me with, the one person who knows everything about me and still loves me, all because of what you said you would do.

Im sad because im too scared to live, to laugh, to smile, or to enjoy anything, just because im concentrating so hard on what you might do next, and because i cant afford to let my guard down, most of the times when i do force a smile, its to make other people feel better, or comfortable.

i never go anywhere without my music and headphones and wearing my sun glasses, when i play my music so loud, it unconsciously lets other people know i don't want them to approach me or talk to me, i used to wear sun glasses to hide bruises, or black eyes (i still do at times) but they are kind of like my protection from the outside world, i don't want people to see me, they kinda make me feel invisible, and that's how i like to be, (i wish i was invisible to you too though!).

i hate when people look at me, i don't want anyone to know that im no longer a person, not a decent person anyway, i feel like the best way to describe myself would be a shell, because i don't think you can be a real person if you don't have a soul, i have no soul anymore, you murdered it, i used to wish you would kill me too, i wasn't scared to die, i probably would have thanked you at one point, because death would be more peaceful than the life Ive been living with you in my life. i still don't fear death as much as i fear you, but i don't want to die. i used to keep suicide as an option, (anything to get away from you) i though it was the only thing in my life i could have the ultimate control over, but i now realize its not, there are other options, yes they are scary, and sometimes i want to give up cause its too hard, but you know what, today, im stronger than yesterday, and today im not gonna give up. There were four words i couldn't even say when talking about myself before i started counseling, because i thought these things made me weak,stupid and pathetic;

:RAPED

:ABUSED

:CONTROLLED

:GROOMED

I still don't like these words, and they are difficult to come to terms with, but they don't make me weak and pathetic, they make you weak and pathetic, you raped me, you abused me, you controlled me, and you groomed me, when you could have just loved me, you had to make me fear you, you had to have power over me, and how hard was that really when at my young 14 years old you were 33, your not a man, your an evil bastard, and i hate you. I may not be at my strongest yet, but i will get there, and maybe one day i will be able to say all these things to your face, but Ive come pretty far to be able to say these things at all.

I MIGHT BE THINK I HAVE HIT MY LIMIT, AND I MIGHT THINK I CANT GO ON, BUT I HAVE A TEAM OF STRONG WOMEN HELPING ME, AND LETTING ME KNOW THAT I CAN GO ON, THAT YOU ARE NOT GOD, AND THAT I DESERVE BETTER. AND ONE DAY I WILL GET IT!!!!!

Download this post as PDF? Click here Download PDF

Comments are currently closed.

10 thoughts on “Too scared to say this to your face!!

  • Lorrie says:

    You do deserve better. No one deserves the treatment you’ve been subjected to. You are not weak, pathetic, useless or disgusting – you are a brave, articulate woman who has given life to children and kept them and herself going in the face of more trauma than most people will ever have to imagine.

    You are a warrior, and you will get out, get away and get to a far better place than this. Lean on your sisters, ask for help and you’ll see how much you’re worth. There are so many of us out there who would like to support you.

    Sending much love x

    • natalie says:

      thank you so much for you kind words, i don’t feel like a warrior yet, but people that help me are, and i aspire to be like them, so my daughters can aspire to be like me, but a strong me. Ive been very blessed the past couple of years to have had the support i have had, there was a point when i thought nothing could change, but im slightly more positive now, and i think getting stronger all the time, but for now im proud that im still here, and my voice is heard and valued, something i thought could never happen.
      thanks again for the love and support, really means so much. x

  • Tracy says:

    Hello Natalie,

    I am so, so sorry that you have been going through this, and continue to do so.
    Your post is really powerful & spells out exactly how terrifying & controlling abusive relationships are, how it damages the woman so deeply, and children too. I hope people will read your post & understand how complex it is when you are in this situation.

    I am so glad you have strong women around you who are supporting you through this, and giving you strength to name what has happened to you.
    You say you CAN go on, and you deserve better. You are right! None of this is your fault & the only person responsible for what has happened to you is this violent, abusive, controlling man.

    I’m sorry this reply is a bit long (&rambling?!), but I felt so angry for what you have been through, & are still going through, that I just wanted to reach out to you & offer support.
    I really hope that one day you and your children can live safely and feel safe & free. With the help & support you are getting, I hope you will make it.

    With very best wishes to you,
    Tracy x

  • Lerry says:

    Well Done Natalie.
    You are doing great.
    It took me 30 years to ‘use the r word’.
    And even then I would have to say ‘the r word’ as I still couldn’t say RAPE.
    Such is the shame that it makes you feel.
    The humiliation and how dirty and low, worthless it makes you feel.
    Well done. You are doing great. x

    • natalie says:

      I know exactly what you mean Lerry, people think its just a word, but its not, its so much more than that, i still find it hard too, but im getting to a better place, and i hope you are too, its not easy, but we deserve to be happy, and at peace.
      thanks for the support, much appreciated. X

  • natalie says:

    thank you Tracy for you kind and supportive message, im really touched that people care enough about my situation to comment, im hopeful that one day i will have a happy life for me and my children, free from him and my own demons that try to suppress me, it is hard for people to understand what its like to live a life so full of fear, that you really cant live, and people dont understand the way you are, or how you act, they just assume you weird, or crazy, something ive experienced for so many years, but i try not to concentrate on that now, its about healing, and learning to cope, and getting to that place of peace, and happiness with my babies.
    thank you again for all the support, take care. x

  • Nat says:

    I’m so sorry you have been living like this. The simple fact that you have had the strength to write this shows what a survivor and fighter you are.

    I wish I could offer something more than words and wishes, but I hope you can break free and learn to live free again. I wish I could hug you.

    You are worthy. You are precious. You deserve so much more.

    Take care of yourself XXXXX

  • gemma says:

    Good for you for sharing your story. I read it and found similar threads from my life. Channel that anger into action. I hope he gets locked up. You should watch searching for angela Shelton which is free no sign up on snagfilm.com I think you’d like it it’s a documentary and she finds 40 women with the same name and 70% had a similar experience. First time I cried my leg off watching it, but it was compulsive viewing a few days later I watched it again and felt stronger. Then watch her speak on utube. Use your sword theory she has developed. xx

  • Fifi says:

    Sending love. That took a helluva lot of ovaries to type that up. Respect to ya, gal! xxx

  • natalie says:

    To Nat, Gemma and, and Fifi, thanks so much for you kind comments, it means alot,

    take care, natalie. xx