Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

The Truth About Rape: It Can Happen to Anyone

Last November, I was beaten, drugged and raped by my ex-boyfriend.

I was drinking my second drink when I started to feel extremely intoxicated. I kept wondering why I felt like this after only two drinks. I remember putting my drink down on his coffee table and then I blacked out. The next thing I remember is gasping. I don't know where I was or what I was doing, but I was naked and gasping. Then, the next memory I have is him screaming for me to get out of his house. I was crying hysterically but I couldn't figure out why. I had never seen so much rage in someone before like I did that night.

The next thing I remember is hearing a loud knock on my window. It was several cops flashing flashlights into my car. I don't remember ever getting into or being in my car. My heart was racing. How did I get here? Why am I here? I was found half-dressed and unconscious in the middle of an intersection in my car. My pants were on backwards. My bra was mangled and twisted around me. My shirt was ripped and hanging around my waist. I had no underwear or shoes on. I had a bloody laceration on my eyebrow and bruises all over my neck, arms, legs, thighs and back. I had no time to process what had happened. The cops were asking me so many questions. I was disoriented and don't remember much else until I was taken to the police station.

From there, I was told that I was arrested for a DUI. I couldn't believe it. I knew I would have never intentionally driven drunk. Just as the cop was taking my blood, another sheriff came into the room and told me I was under arrest for a hit-and-run. It was my worst nightmare come true.

The morning after being arrested, I woke up and knew I had been raped. I didn't tell anyone. I was still trying to make sense of what had happened the night before. I went to go look in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. My face was swollen and my neck had several bruises. I went to the Apple Store to get my phone rebooted since it was still locked. As soon as it was unlocked, I texted my ex-boyfriend to tell him to ask what happened last night. I had to text him at least five times before he finally responded. He wouldn't tell me much besides I was drunk and he never wanted to hear from me again. He didn't care that I could have died that night. He didn't care that I could have killed someone when I was driving. When I told my friends and family what had happened, some were very supportive and others victim-blamed me. My sister told me I deserved to be raped and that it was my fault for what had happened to me. My father told me he wasn't going to help me and that I have no one to blame but myself for going over to my ex-boyfriend's house in the first place. I had friends that told me they would never end up in a situation like that. Well I have news for you, I never planned or wanted this to happen to me. Rape can happen to anyone, no matter the age, gender or race.

It wasn't until I started to have flashbacks that I really understood what had happened to me. My first flashback was of me gasping. I could feel the pressure of hands on my neck and I couldn't breathe. My other flashback is of me naked and throwing up on his carpet. As soon as I started throwing up, he yelled, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” and smashed my face into the side of his bed frame. That's how I got the deep laceration wound on my eyebrow. I couldn't believe what my flashbacks were telling me. How could he do this to me? Why? What had I ever done to deserve this?

Four months passed by and it was March 2013. My blood had been sent out to a lab to be tested for blood-alcohol concentration levels and drugs. My lawyer called me and told me he had my test results. I could feel my heart sink into my stomach. He said, “I'm very surprised by your results.” He told me Rohypnol and Ketamine were found in my blood. I dropped to the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't believe it. He drugged me and thought he could get away with it.

A few weeks later, an investigation began. My ex-boyfriend was listed as the only suspect in my sex crime case. I was hoping and praying that charges would finally be pressed and that my case would go to trial. The lead detective in my sex crime case repeatedly victimized me. She said I must have taken the date-rape drugs because my ex-boyfriend didn't admit to putting them in my drink. She said that he couldn't have drugged me because the kitchen, where he was making my drink, was visible from where I was sitting on the couch. She said that my ex-boyfriend would have never jeopardized his future as a medical student by committing a crime this serious. I was told by my detective's supervisor that I was the first sex crime case in the department's history to have blood evidence of being drugged with date-rape drugs. I couldn't believe it. Even with all the evidence, they weren't going to do anything.

My case never made it to trial. No charges were ever pressed. I was told that because I was intoxicated, I wasn't reliable enough to testify. I was told that since my case was acquaintance rape that it wasn't likely to get a conviction. It was like they completely dismissed that fact that I was drugged and nearly died that night. Although justice was never served, I refuse to give up. This case wasn't just about getting justice for me, but for the man involved in my hit-and-run. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about that man. Now, I'm more than ever determined to put an end to victim-blaming and rape culture. How would you feel if someone victimized you?

 

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5 thoughts on “The Truth About Rape: It Can Happen to Anyone

  • Eric A says:

    I feel your pain , im very sorry you had to go thru this , this happend to me when i was 10 and never told anyone for 7 years , becouse i know where im from they will blame me and ruin my life becouse of it.

    Hang tight hope everything works out for you and this monster pay for his crime , its disgussting how people will ruin others lifes for their personale pleasure

  • […] died that night. Although justice was never served, I refuse to give up. – See more at: http://everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/the-truth-about-rape-it-can-happen-to-anyone/#sthash.2N… My case never made it to trial. No charges were ever pressed. I was told that because I was […]

  • Alison says:

    Kelly, I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through and been subjected to. To be violated in such a manner and then be blamed for it is utterly despicable.

    The justice system is largely a rapists’ charter, it fails victims and survivors time and time again.

    “I had friends that told me they would never end up in a situation like that.”

    I am always struck (and despair) when I hear about friends and family victim blaming. This must hurt so much, however, I think that one of the reasons some do it is a form of misguided self-protection and denial, as in ‘I would never get into a such a situation and have this happen to me’. Not that I am excusing their views and comments, which are utterly unforgiveable. However, as we know, it can and does happen to anyone.

    I hope that you have support and are able to work through it all. Take care.

  • M says:

    Wow. Your story illustrates exactly the reason I told no one I was raped for 22 years. I was 16, drunk and allowed myself to be alone with a ‘boy’ who expressed an interest in me (which was not reciprocated) he was the first male to tell me he ‘loved me’ and walked me away from my friends, dragged me into a field and raped me. Seriously fucked me up for years, and I guess I buried it, didn’t even think about it til BAM, out of the blue a couple of years ago it was all I could think about. Everything kinda clicked, I WAS raped, it DID influence practically every part of my life and it did matter, and I matter. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you are amazing to not sit back and keep quiet, to not be afraid. Everyone who blamed you, I can only hope they can never truly understand why that is such bullshit.

  • Cheryl says:

    This story has made me so angry. That anyone could blame you for the events that occurred or believe it was something you would willingly contribute to by taking drugs that you know would make you vulnerable is disgusting. That you were victimised and that certain family /friends believed you were asking for it is unforgivable. The only good thing I can see is that you are using your experience to try and change how cases like yours are handled in the future.
    From a woman who isn’t naive enough to say it could never happen to me, I thank you for sharing and trying to make a difference. Much respect and admiration for you x