Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

The Day I Lost Everything *Content Note*

You know...its funny how 1 thing can destroy your life. When i was 10 i thought humans were amazing , great people everywhere , love ,kindness , sympathy , forgiveness , passion.
Sadly our honesty , our morals , our feelings , tend to grow lighter as we grow older , i never thought a person can do cruel thing to another no matter the cause.
This is my story from when i was 10 year old boy, all i ever wanted way to play hang out with my friends and enjoy my life not thinking about the future , no fear no problems.
today i will tell the story of how i turned from that happy joyfull little boy to a scared child with a lost childhood.

The Begining.

When i was 10 , i woke up in the morning a beautifull summer morning it was , all i had in mind was to run outside and play. Sadly there were other plans made for me , i got off my bed changed and quickly ran to kitchen for breakfast my father and mother were gone for work , there were only me and my older Sister , after a big breakfast i ran outside to a park near by where i have been playing since i was 3 years old , Loved that place , it was a place i can call my second home.
As usual i went straight to the slide played there for a while till my freinds came , we took the ball and played togther for a while. After almost 2h of been there , it was already late , i felt the need to go to the bathroom , so i ran to it. Closed the door , minute later walking out of it , i saw a someone staanding at the door , he was a man like any other, normal looking , he had a smile on his face , i moved away from the door to let him in , thinking he just wanna use the bathroom .
Little did i know , this man was waiting for me.

Conversation :

Man : Hello kid.
Me: Hi sir.
Man : whats your name little boy.
Me : Eric.
Man : nice name.
Me : Thank you.
Man : can i ask a favor of you please.
Me : ( uncomfortably replied ) Yes sure.
Man : i have been working all day and im very tried , can you please help me get this stuff out of my truck ?
Me : ( relieved Replied ) Of course i will.
Man : great follow me.

Walkedd to the back side of the bathrooms where there was a street.

Man : heres the truck , get in and hand me those boxes.
Me : Ok.

Climed up the back seat of the truck and as i was about to grab the box , the man put his hand on my back and said : be quiet dont make a sound , i was terrified couldn't breath tears droping from my eyes , he then tied my hands and legs and put a piece of tissue on my mouth and got in the driver seat and drove away.

A very long drive i felt it was hours with every second passing , i felt like someone is sticking a knife in my stomach , nerves , scared , confused .

We arrived finally , he steped out of the car put a blancket on me and took me inside the house , locked me in a room for a few minutes , then he came back untied me and looked at me straight in the eye and said.

You are so beautifull , your face , your lips , your slime body are so tempting ( when recalling this now it makes me sick )
slowly he unbuttoned my shirt , and started to kiss me on the cheeks mauth and chest , after a while he started to get rough
very rough , hiss hand's were holding me so tight it was painful , then he stood up took his shirt off , he got me up on the bed.
and pulled down my boxxers and my underwearr ( silly me i had no idea what he was about to do , all i thought about is the embarassment of being naked around someone else ) he then lay me on the bed kissing my entire body , uncomfortable it got i could not stand it anymore , i gathered all the strengh and tried to move away shouting STOP!!! ( was a mistake ) he hit me with his fist on the face ( most painful thing ever happend to me).
Helpless i was laying there crying while he was enjoy satisfaying his sick needs , after around 30 minite , he got up took his pants and underwear off and turned me on my back , and raped me , enjoying the sound of my screams , i could not stand it , it was horrible. So painful , crying my heart out while been pined down to the bed unable to move.

30 minute..., 30 minute of pain 30 minute of screams , 30 minute of crying and shouting.
and he finally finished put his clothes on and walked out of the room , he came back few minite after with a camera and took pictures of me laying there in my blood and tears , he took me to the bathroom cleaned me and dressed me , put me back in the truck this time he didnt need to tie me down i was frozen in my place with an empty look in my eyes he drove to the park , stoped at the sidewalk looked back at me and said , if you tell anyone you will die and then said go play , i got out of the car and walked home , funny thing is i wasnnt crying , wasn't scared anymore i was feelling....nothing..i walked home went to my room and laid on my bed...

For 7 years i never told anyone , for 7 years i didnt have a friend i never talked in school i would just go sit there staring mindlessly, i lost my energy , my happiness that day.

What happend was a nightmare i had every night for 7 years every day pass i understand what happend to me that day and everyday pass i try to find the strengh to end my life , sadly i was too weak to do so...

a month ago i came back from the gym went on my computer and found and old story i wrote , it was just a normal love story i wrote, that what i thought , reading what i wrote when i was 13 years old now 17 made me realise there was more to that story , reading it , it sounded so different somehow i turned a love story to a way to express how i felt after that day. Thats when i decided to write this , tell someone what happened . maybe...just maybe i will feel some kind of relief doing so..

I have a message i have wanted say to the one who stole my life , for 7 years i have been playing this message in my mind

Thank you...for taking away my life , thank you for ruining my childhood , destroying my image of the world.
I would like to know what have you been thinking about when you did this to me,,,,
I would like to know how....
How...can a human be so heartless...
How...can a human be so emotionless...
How...can a human be so cruel...
How...can a human be so Shamless..

How...When...WHAT!...what happend how did humanity cease to exist ? tell me...where did morals go...where did the only thing that seperate us from animals go ? How can someone not feel sorry for someone else...HOW can someone not have sympathy...how can someone now have heart... what happend...

you know in a weird way i understand there is a urge some may have to something.. but...as strong as that urge must be.. you must be heartless...emotionless pathetic excuse of a human to cause this sort of pain to a 10 year old kid. You must have no shame...no regret...to be able to do something like this...and enjoy it...

You know even tho you did this to me, i dont want you to go to jail , i dont want you to die... i want you to live forever for the guilt of what you did...i want you to forever live with the same pain i have lived with for 7 years.

i know i will die soon..i grew older and stronger and soon i will have the strengh to end my life...
after what happend to me there is nothing in the world that can make me smile again...
i will never feel love...
I will never feel happiness...
i died that day in that house 7 years ago...

( it didnt help much to write it , but i hope someone out there like the man who did this to me , will read this and think about it when ever he try to do it to someone else...think of the victim , think of what will happen after not during it... Im sorry if this is disturbing to some...i had to atleast write it and hopefully make a diffrence when i leave this world...)



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7 thoughts on “The Day I Lost Everything *Content Note*

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience. We believe you, and know the fault for this lies with the man who abused you.

    We have a Get Support page which lists agencies that can help you to recover. You can recover, because you are resillient, amazing, and worthy.

    If you could let us know where you are (I get the idea from some of the language that you have used, that you are probably not in the UK). You can contact us in absolute confidence by email [email protected], and we can find some regional agency who can help you.

    • Eric A says:

      Im sorry but i did not post this seeking help , i just wanted to be hear..let someone know.
      Where im from this things dont usually happend , and been victim of such thing is a shamefull thing and if i came out and said it i would have been treated as an outcast…im sorry.

      Thank you.

  • @portiasmart says:

    Eric, I am so sorry that you experienced rape. Thank you for sharing your experience. You seem to be in a lot of pain at the moment – sharing your thoughts of wanting to die. Could you think about contacting EVB to get information on services and support in your area?
    I am so sorry that you are in this pain – I want you to know that I believe you and I hope that you get in touch with people who support, value and believe you too x

  • Elizabeth. says:

    Eric im so sorry that you went through that. If you contact EVB they will help you with complete confidentiality as they have stated.
    Im so sorry that you are hurting. i believe you x

  • Cheryl says:

    I echo the above posts. I am so sorry to read about you went through and what you continue to go through. I have no experience in what happened to you, but do know that there is confidential help out there for you and I really do hope you seek it. Not only did this man commit a heinous crime but he also took a really important part of you but I hope that you can come to feel that he shouldn’t be allowed to take any more of you away. Please continue to talk/message and know we are all thinking of you. x

  • Eric A says:

    Thank you all for the kind words and support , i will consider getting help and talking to someone , for now im just waiting to finish my last year of highschool and goin away to college , i will be in a new country , and i can speak out without my family knowing.

  • Wyeth Bailey says:

    Young Man, I’m going to share something about myself, and implore you to try to get some help. I am a middle aged lady with children of my own. This happened to me when I was only 5, two men assaulted me, while a few others, including a girl, watched or walked away but did nothing to help me. On vacation, my parents left me at the beach all day, the “babysitter” they chose was a small group of teenagers, maybe 17-21 years old. When I told my parents, they refused to believe me. That night, outside our hotel, we stopped at a sidewalk artist, and he drew a portrait of me. I was crying. It’s a perfect likeness in charcoal on paper. My face is wrenched into complete anguish. Who would commission or draw such a thing? It hung on our wall until I left for college. I took it with me. Two years ago, I moved cross country. As I was hanging pictures, I stopped ad looked at it. A friend was over. I told my story to her for the first time I told anyone. The picture is packed away. I still struggle with the very things you said: how really most people are worse than animals. There is but a thin veneer of humanity stretched over the brutal truth. And many days, I feel like half a person. I feel like a shell, empty, that used to hold some gross something (an oyster?) that was me, and now just echoes and waits. I was married close to 20 years. when I told my husband, he could not handle me ss vulnerable or hurting. The marriage collapsed then ended.

    But having kids taught me that I have a right to live. A responsibility to live. And so do you, dear. You are a whole person, and a good one with no intention harming others. The world needs you. The world needs more of us and fewer of them.

    The shame you feel –I know it. It’s so not rational, our victimizers should feel shame. But they do not. Part of your soul did die that day in that house, but not all of it, and it grows back, you know, like a lizard tail 🙂 if you nourish it with self-respect.

    You told you story with simple and raw beauty. It could have already saved a life for a boy isolated in a small town who thought he was the only one. I recommend a therapy called EMDR. At university, you may be able to find a counselor studying it. It’s drug free and was developed by the US military for trauma recovery and PTSD. It has helped me so much to manage intrusive thoughts of that day, the video clips of the assault that replay in my head at random.

    I found love again at 45– real and true love, the kind that holds your hand, listens, shares your outrage at what was done to you, reminds you how worthy and whole you are. I’ve learned that I can hold my anguish and still feel joy now.

    You’re a stranger to me, but you shared your pain here for the world to read and maybe understand. Abnd I understand. I wish I could be a mama lion for you, and leap from a big cliff and rip the throat out of the beast that harmed you for his twisted gratification. But I can’t. He got away with it.

    Please don’t make his crime of sadistic, forcible rape of a child into a murder. Be defiant, and live. Live, learn and play hard. A counselor can help you release the shame.

    You are whole now. You were whole that day. You survived a hateful, violent day. And you lived. I’m not religious. And whether you are or are not, I believed you survived for a divine reason. If I had to guess what it is, I’d say it has something to do with your gift for telling your story. And that alongside your right to live is your _responsibility_ to live so that your words might help someone.

    That’s my goal for myself, too. My website has poems I’ve written about my PTSD, the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from my parents, and the stranger rape and assault I lived through. But I am working on another site I hope to soon have up and running, and taking contributions from other writers as letters, stories, poems, etc. . It is to be called “Far from Fragile,” and to focus on the triumph of good over evil, to share stories of getting back your life no matter how long it takes.

    Be such a story, please, young man. Write one for here or my blog or anywhere. He cannot hurt you any longer. Speak to yourself with the gentle compassion you would speak to a friend who told you what bad thing happened to him or her. Confide in a few more people, slowly. Slowly.

    Persevere and ultimately, triumph. Do not give up.