Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Thanks for kicking me while I was down

Not so long ago I was with a man and refused to have sex with him, so he violently raped me. It was quite possibly the WORST rape I've ever experienced in my life. It was so brutal.. and I could barely walk. I never go to the doctors for any injuries I may get, i just suffer with the pain, because in a weird way I find that easier. But this pain was like no other. The only way i can try explain it is imagine someone repeatedly kicking you down south.. times a billion. The blood was running down my legs and that's when I knew.. I had to go and get myself sorted out.

When I explained my situation to my dr she instantly judged me, patronised me, made it out that I wasn't all there in the head and that I was being a drama queen and turned it around on me. According to her im just an attention seeking, unstable girl who shouldn't have agreed to see that man in the first place. I use the word unstable because she saw that i had some scars on my arm and gave me that "look" of "oh..just another depressed teen" when actually, some of the scars are from what men have done to me and yes, some are self inflicted. But i think did I really deserve that to happen to me? Why was it all of a sudden my fault????? Because I led him on? Because I flirted? Because I had some alcohol? (AND even if I did any of these things how the hell does that give someone the right to hurt me like that??!)

If she had spoken to me like a human being, didn't judge me and was patient I may have opened up to her. I may have been completely honest about everything. I may have taken the first step to get support with my situation. And if she had taken the time to really understand then she would have learned that I only end up in those situations because of my boyfriend. Our relationship is bad and he is abusive towards me and makes me sleep with men because he gets money out of it. Basically, just think of me as an escort... and I know in societies eyes I'm a whore.. but I don't do this all out of choice. And with that particular man,I was not prepared to sleep with him.. he was so old. I haven't wanted to sleep with any of the men I've had to sleep with but with this man there was something about him that scared me. But sleeping with me was a part of this package deal. But I did not want too. Not that it mattered.. because these men think because they "book" you, you belong to them and I have no power over what happens from the moment I enter a room with them. Men who buy sex are just as bad as abusers. So I guess what he was thinking was I want my moneys worth so I will fuck you as hard as I want..because you're here to provide a service for me.

I may have slept with a lot of men but that's only because of the difficult situation im in due to my relationship. And i know people must oh you dirty slag just like my dr does. But am I really? Or am i just a girl whos stuck and just needed someone to listen to me and just care. Even if it was for 5 minutes. And can I just say.. an actual escort/sex worker etc HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO A MAN. IT'S THEIR BODY AND IT'S THEIR CHOICE. JUST LIKE IT'S MY BODY AND MY CHOICE. I DON'T CARE IF I'VE SLEPT WITH A 10 MEN OR 1000 MEN, THAT DOESNT MEAN BECAUSE OF THAT I DESERVE TO GET BRUTALLY RAPED!

"Consensual sex" is just sex. To say that implies that there is such a thing as "non consensual sex", which there isn't. That's rape. That is what it needs to be called. There is only sex or rape. Do not teach people that rape is another type of sex. They are two very separate events. You wouldn't say "breathing swimming" and "non breathing swimming", you say swimming and drowning.

I didn't end up getting any help. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I got the blame for getting raped.. well, in her eyes I don't think she even took that seriously..so I'm not even sure what she even thinks happened to me. All I know is that I wasted her valuable time.. i was so humiliated, shocked and upset by her comments towards me that I just went back home, where it all got brushed under the carpet and I got a bollocking from my boyfriend for not "cooperating" with a client!

 

 

We do NOT give permission for posts published as personal experiences to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.

Download this post as PDF? Click here Download PDF

, , , , ,

Comments are currently closed.

21 thoughts on “Thanks for kicking me while I was down

  • Nat says:

    I believe you. You are absolutely right that it most definitely IS rape and that your ‘boyfriend’ is a rapist and abuser. I hope you find help soon and escape this awful situation. Lots of love

  • Lisa says:

    I believe you and am so sorry that this has happened and is happening to you.
    You are being failed by the people who should care the most – your “boyfriend” and the doctor. That doctor has a duty of care to you and failed to meet it. I know you know this is not your fault but I will add my voice to that and say this is NOT your fault. I really hope you can get some help and support to escape the situation you are in. So much love to you, you deserve so much more x

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks Lisa. Maybe I just shouldn’t of expected for her to care to, because then I wouldn’t have been disappointed with the outcome. I don’t know about deserving more but thank you xx

  • Lorrie says:

    No one has the right to hurt or abuse you. Nothing you did, do or ever will do will justify or cause rape. You are completely right when you say that every woman has the right to say ‘no’ to a man – keep that truth close to your heart, and know that you are right.

    I’m so sorry you’re in a bad situation and that someone who could have helped didn’t. It’s inexcusable, and just like the rape, it’s not your fault. You have no reason to feel ashamed and every reason to feel proud. You’re not a ‘whore’ – you are a warrior and a survivor.

    No matter what you’re going through, no matter what people say or do to you, you are worth so much. Lean on your sisters when you can, share your stories when you can, let all the pain and pressure out when you can.

    Wishing you so much good x

    • Debbie says:

      Aaah Lorrie!! I think the word “survivor” is too strong of a word to identify myself with. Oh lord, I think you’re going to kill me with your kindness. I think i will you know, typing that post felt quite cathartic.. may have to post again sometime to vent again ha!
      Thank you so, so much!x

  • MarinaS (@marstrina) says:

    I’m ever so sorry for what has happened to you Debbie, that doctor should be disciplined for treating a patient in need in such a disrespectful manner. If you feel at all able to proceed with a complint against her (although of course it would be completely understandable if you didn’t want to bother), I will happily act for you – call the practice, write the letters and so on.

    As for the men in this story… Doubtless they should all be behind bars. Your boyfriend sounds like an abusive, selfish, exploitative man. You have all my sympathy, & I wish I could offer more than just that, which seems pitifully little.

    In sisterhood,

    M

    • Debbie says:

      Thank you Marina..it’s so kind of you to suggest everything you have and wanting to help me!!

      Oh god, he is indeed.. he’s the absolute worst. I’m like a prisoner.

      Thank you.. please don’t think that..I will be okay..I always am in the end plus you’ve helped more than you’ll ever know,it’s great that I discovered you on Twitter because your help with my situation is going to make a difference and I’m so thankful xx

  • Victoria says:

    Thank you for writing this. I’m so, so sorry you had to deal with such a lack of care at a time when you deserved it most. Your doctor’s response was disgraceful. You’ve written such a brave, courageous piece and you are right – none of this was your fault.

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks Victoria. I’m surprised you think of it like that, I just felt so angry and then typed away and stopped (hence all the errors! ) thank you so much for your kind words, means so much x

  • Cath says:

    You have been abused by all the people you have encountered in this experience. I am very sorry that you have had to endure all the pain and the emotional distress connected to it.
    And yes, you have the right to say no whenever you want to. You don’t have to do anything you prefer not to. Have you ever talked to Rape Crisis? You might find it helpful to talk to one of the women there about all this.
    rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

    • Debbie says:

      Thank you Cath.

      I have heard of them but I haven’t got any support etc from them. After that experience I don’t feel like I could ever talk to anyone again!! It was like a massive slap on the face and I still feel so embarrassed by going in the first place x

      • Cath says:

        I am not surprised you feel like that. I would. But if that ever changes, I can promise you that the women at RC will not act like the doctor did.

        • Debbie says:

          I just fear that I’ll get the same sort of reaction. And I think putting yourself out there for the first is hard/bad enough, but then to have to do it again seems 10x harder than before. I just think what makes me think that someone else would think differently? X

  • Debbie says:

    To all the women who commented on my post.. i am so overwhelmed by all of your kind words and support. I had no idea you could comment on posts and I was blown away when I discovered the comments I’d gotten. I am so touched and still feel so shocked, because each and every one of you made me feel better and I even cracked a smile! (I can’t even remember the last time I smiled!) You all have shown so much support and kindness towards me than anyone ever has in my life. If I could hug you all I so would!!

    You’ve given a lonely 19 year old some hope. Something which I thought id never be able to have again. So,im going to try my hardest to hold onto it.

    Thank you all so, so much.

    Lot and lots of love
    Debbie xxxx

    • Hilary says:

      Sending you love. There is a world of love and support for you and I hope you find it soon. Nothing stays the same forever and you can make changes. Well done, you sound like a very wise woman of 19 years and I think you can make the moves you need to find support and a better life.

      • Debbie says:

        Thanks Hillary!! Maybe I’ll find it when I least expect it..

        Haha I do? I’ve been called many thing but that’s new 😉 why thank you!

        I know I will, because I believe I can (well I really hope I can).. though, when that day comes I do not know. Xx

  • Louise says:

    You are an intelligent, thoughtful and valuable person, and NO ONE should ever treat you like this. I so hope that you’re able to get out of this terrible situation, you deserve so much better. With love and in sisterhood xxx

    • Debbie says:

      Far from it Louise but thank you so much. Well, what I always say to myself is if you’re going through hell, keep going. And thats exactly what I intend to do.xxxx

  • oh so sorry: what a horrible experience. Your story so vivid and well-written – reading it, i just saw that look, when the dr glanced at your arms. What you deserved was compassion and care. Yes, Rape Crisis might be a good place to go. And can you bear it to complain and seek another doctor? Whatever you do, keep writing and sharing your story.

    • Debbie says:

      You do? Thank you. Apologies for any errors, I just typed it and sent it straight away. I surprisingly found it quite cathartic typing about it. It was a look of pure grimace. Whether she meant for me to pick up on her reaction or not I do not know but just added to everything that was already going on.

      I don’t know, I still feel so stupid and embarrassed. I feel like by complaining I will come across attention seeking plus they’ll probably take one look at me and think I’m just weirdo young person who’s just wanting to cause drama.

      I will okay, thank you so much for your kind words to me. You all are so lovely.. I feel like I’m just waiting for someone to attack me about it and blame me ?. X