Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Sexually abused by uncle (while in a relationship with my mom) and cousin.

I was in my first year in High school when I realized that I was being abused. Abuse started when I was in 3rd grade. My parents have a bad marriage. I didn't know all that then. They let me live with my aunt. I saw my parents together for the first time in the end of 2nd grade and decided to go with them on the province.

As far as I can remember in my young mind, my father went back somewhere and my mother is in a relationship with my uncle ( youngest sibling of my father). Father is the eldest. I would remember big fights around the family and the abuse started when my mother would go to the city., to my aunts.

After 2 years I asked to be allowed to go back in another aunt of mine to live. And I did for two years. Sadly my aunt couldn't support me for high school so she had to let me go. I went back to the province, not knowing I have all the negative feelings an abused person has. For the life of me, I do not know why I cannot remember exactly what happened that year, I can only remember some of what happened like - I made a letter to my mom telling her about the abuse. The uncle approaching me when I was playing in my selfmade tent. Getting angry about something, which resulted in my mom telling me " Does he still abuse you? Do you let him? Because if you do then you like it too" all while the uncle is in the kichen, 5 steps away from us.

These are the only very clear memories of what I have and I cannot remember what exactly happened the day before I decided to tell my mom. Her remark over my abuse was the last straw. It kills whatever beautiful thing I have inside me. It still makes me cry when I think/talk about it (that was 13 years ago. Can't remember why or how and when exactly was I able to get out of that place back to my first aunt (who I stayed when I was younger) and probably the only memory I can think of going back in my childhood.

Everything seems to go very well on my second year high school, my aunt lets me stay in her daughters house, my cousin, because it is nearer the school. My aunt's daughter was my child hero then, I always wanna be like her is what I use to think about when I was in grade school. So it helps me, I guess. I love school and I feel bit secure about life. All my plans on college, getting a job etc is coming back. Until the last few months before school ends.

I was studying for an exam when my cousin's husband touched my back and parts of my body he is not allowed to. I remember freezing then for a time; I was just continously rewriting what I have been reading in the book I have, on the paper I was holding at that time. I was confused, I stood up, went outside, I remember not finding my slippers, I hear him getting panicky and talking. At the end I remember just going out of the front gate with a big, mismatched slippers, crying silently. I went to my cousin who was working overnight just 5 minutes away from where the house is.

My mother came and my aunt. We were in the living woom together with my cousin (her daughter) .My mom was asking me things I don't wanna hear.

I finished the school year back at my aunt's house. My uncle, who has a very strong take about morality, didn't know what happened. They were afraid of his reaction. He died without knowing what happened. He is more than a father to me and years later after he died I still cry and regret why I didn't say anything about my abuse to him. I know is he was the only one who would protect me and go after those who wronged me. My father abandoned us when I was very young so he wasn't even in the picture.

After school year, my aunt bought me a very pretty blouse then she told me that I have to go, because if there is first abuse, there will be second and that everytime her daughter looks at me, it would remind her of what her husband did.

I end up living at my other aunt who treats me more like a maid than a niece. Pretty much after that was just a blurr. Living my life just because I am where I am and just trying to survive.

I am happy to be able to live far away after finishing vocational study. After 4 years I went home to see everyone. I went to my aunt's place to visit and I saw him, living comfortably. And eveything went wrong. From that time on, I cannot remember why I didn't like to go to my aunt's house, instead I went to stay at my other cousins who lives in the area.

Then I went the last day to say goodbye and they were all angry with me because I was being ungrateful and not respecting them for all they have done for me.

I came back to my house, went into depression, I would have nightmares, I would imagine jumping out of our balcony or I imagine my boyfriend as the bad guys. No one understands. I know enough that something is wrong and I was afraid of losing my relationship of my boyfriend. God knows how many relationship i have had, have I ruined because of my behavior. We decided that I would go to a psychologist.
My first psychologist referred me to another one because she said she cannot help me. And she called me stupid. That was one of the saddest moment in in my life. The fact that I have a problem and she, a professional, cannot help me.

I am on my third week on my second psychologist and I still get surprised about the memories I suddenly remember or the details I have put so deep in my head to forget.

I could get on and on about what i have been through because there is no way I can avoid the guys who abuse me since they are somehow authority figures in the family. 13 years after the first abuse, I'm still trying to survive. I found out that the abuse itself is not even the thing I mind the most.

What kills me is the people who knows what happening, who are supposed to be there, throw me away when things went bad. People who supported the people who molested me instead of standing for me. I would see pictures of the guy from my brothers facebook sometimes and I would message them right away to delete it. It's too painful.

I hope I will get better, I hope I would be able to forgive myself and those people. I hope that I will not ruin my relationship now with my boyfriend. I hope that I will be able to love myself and people who are important to me in a proper way. I hope that a time will come when I am able to face the people who abused and betrayed me and tell them to their faces what they have done. I hope to be asked by them for forgiveness and to be able to forgive them. Most of all I hope that people believe me, now that I am ready to talk.

I wish to meet people who is also in the same situation were able to pass through it all. I would need their kind words and inspiration.

 

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5 thoughts on “Sexually abused by uncle (while in a relationship with my mom) and cousin.

  • Admin says:

    We believe you.

    Please remember that.

    We believe you.

  • portiasmart says:

    M,

    Thank you for sharing your experience – I believe you x
    Your experience will be unique to you, but sadly there are many women and girls who have experienced male violence. I hope you find a way to connect and to share your thoughts and feelings with them.
    I have experienced male violence and having my voice heard and believed was so important to me. Thanks to people like yourself, I felt able to break my silence and seek support and I am so grateful.
    I hope you are receiving helpful support – if not, please let me know which country you live in and I will link you to organisations that could help.
    EVB have a helpful list of support services – mostly UK based – here http://everydayvictimblaming.com/get-support/
    xxx

    • M says:

      Thank you. I am having therapy now and yet I feel like it just makes me remember the things I wanna forget. Without going into therapy, I wouldn’t know that I only remember very little about the past and that makes me feel sad. I still don’t know why. I feel like someone is keeping things from me, like I do not have a hold of my own head. I couldn’t sleep without checking that all the doors in the house are closed and get really irritated when someone acciddentally does. Or i’m suddenly just getting ill in my stomach and would like to vomit after eating and the moment I do, i feel better right away. Just like that. I feel like if only i remember alot of things then maybe I could say everything at once to my therapist then she’ll help me figure out what triggers those things. I mean therapy is supposed to make you feel better but why do Inspite of my eagerness to be helped, i feel like its better that I just try to forget everything. Why do i feel sick most often than before? Did you have those?

      I live in The Netherlands but going for support groups scares me at the moment. This is the first time I tried writing online as you can stay anonymous but you can always send links if you want & maybe i’ll contact them when I get the courage. I’, so Sorry to be writing so much now, it’s just really confusing to me at the moment. please don’t be oblige to write back and I hope that you are well.

      M

  • Hendon says:

    Hey. Firstly I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am sorry the people who should have loved & protected you didn’t. It isn’t and wasn’t your fault that you were abused, you are not responsible. Finding the correct support you for now is paramount. Please check out Penny Parks online, ‘rescuing the inner child’, Penny is a survivor herself, she has a team of specially trained counsellors who may be what you are looking for. Please let me know how you get on. You are in my thoughts.