Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Rumors of rape

Last weekend was my senior prom, and obviously there was an after party with drinking etc. I have a boyfriend and I've been with him for about a year and a half and he is my best friend and my other half. That may sound naive seeing as I'm 18 but that's besides the point.

Before I get into it, a little background information. I've had a lot of trouble with depression and self harm throughout high school and last year it landed me in a mental hospital last November which was extremely hard to go through. That being said, the reason I landed in the hospital is because my boyfriend that I had been with since April of my freshman year cheated on me and after giving him a second chance he told me he'd leave me if I didn't stop being depressed and self harming.

I met my current boyfriend as I was going through this rough breakup and he helped me through it and was so supportive and amazing about it. This fall was the beginning of my senior year and my boyfriend and I were having troubles and were fighting a lot I was scared about college and the future so I wasn't sure what was going to happen with us.

He broke up with me and I was hurt and confused and his best friend was there for me (or at least I thought) and manipulated me into having sex. I was so hurt and confused after it happened and was so disgusted with myself. I had never seen my boyfriend so hurt and upset when I told him. Eventually I was able to earn his forgiveness until now.

After prom we went to this party together and got very drunk. Because of my depression and previous experiences, I don't drink very often so I don't really know my limits. I was blackout drunk and believed that I passed out for most of the night, but strangely woke up in bed with my boyfriend but with my pants off. I didn't think anything of it.

2 days later a friend of his messaged me on Facebook and told me that we hooked up. I was disgusted and felt so violated. Later that night my boyfriend got texts saying that this kid made out and had sex with me while I was unconscious and then my friends were saying it was impossible because they were taking care of me all night, so I don't even know if any of it is true or not.

My boyfriend doesn't think that I could have been unconscious while this person was having sex with me and that "people get drunk and have sex all the time". I just want him to understand so that he isn't hurt by this because I've hurt him before. I was sexually assaulted my freshman year in a similar situation so shouldn't I know better?

I'm just so confused and don't know what to do. I'm reaching out because I need help making my boyfriend (possibly ex boyfriend) understand that I had no control over it and that I don't want him hurting. I have the burden of him being hurt and myself being hurt and it's almost too much to handle.

Please help


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6 thoughts on “Rumors of rape

  • Inno says:

    well, i’m quite certain your boyfriend is wrong in denying that a person can pass out after drinking and become unconscious of a rape.
    meanwhile the first step will be to figure to trace the line back, from top to bottom.
    1. start from your boyfriend… how did you get back home and in bed? in what state were you before you went to bed that night?
    2. meet your friends individually/privately and ask them what happened that night and how you left the party. keep a detailed and accurate record of each person’s response. later compare them for discrepancies and inconsistencies. (I’m not encouraging you to jump into conclusions yet but since they claimed to have been watching out for you, it would mean they were accomplices trying to cover their tracks — that is if you were really violated that night)
    3. and yes you were really violated that night because NO ONE SHOULD TOUCH THE PANTS OF A PASSES OUT PERSON (unless you unconsciously took them off yourself. — which I strongly doubt)
    4. do everything to get and keep those messages- every single message. and keep them safely. if possible don’t seek your boyfriend’s consent to get the message because his doubts can become obstacles to objectivity.
    5. predispose your mind to prosecute a rape case.
    6. no one knows too well how to avoid a rape!

    • Jess says:

      You were violated that night whether or not you were the one that removed your pants. You were unable to consent to anything and I think both your boyfriend and his friend knew of this vulnerability. You say your boyfriend ‘forgave’ you before for being manipulated by his friend – you didn’t need to be forgiven then and you don’t need to be forgiven now – you did nothing wrong! This whole situation strikes of manipulation to me and going over and over the details trying to figure out what happened may not be helpful unless it’s to put your mind at rest – do it for you though, not to get understanding or forgiveness from your boyfriend. You were violated, he should be there for you and should not be making you feel this way. You have done nothing wrong. Please take gentle care of yourself.

  • If your friends say they were looking after you, gently ask them for details. Did they hand you over to your boyfriend at some stage? If not, why did you wake up without them? This is not a criticism of you or anyone, but I think piecing together the details and drawing up a timeline could help you.

    Either way, you clearly didn’t plan to cheat and didn’t plan to drink enough to pass out. It was an error, a teenage mistake. Many, many teenagers drink more than they should. Most teenagers who drink too much end up throwing up or hung-over or both. You don’t deserve to be in this situation.

  • (Dorothy ( Sue ) Laqua says:

    Sadly it is impossible to make someone understand, but you clearly can define what happen to you as a rape. At the very least you should talk to a victims advocate. Please. They can assist you in working through the process, as time goes on you may or may not remember, and it appears that someone in the group of those that said they were taking care of you may not be telling the entire truth Whether or not it occurred is not even the question as much as your response to feeling violated., and your boyfriend is partaking in social victim blaming; Please seek someone to talk to .

  • SusanLouiselatcham says:

    Having read your post, your story sounds similar to that of my own.
    Few things really- you Dont know what is true and what is a lie- but id be more inclined to believe friends. This ‘friend’ of your boyfriend clearly relishes having some power over you- physically and mentally.
    Having said that- if you feel you believe what this guy is telling you, it absolutely was not your fault! Your boyfriend should be understanding and supportive, there are so many rape myths out there brainwashing people into what abuse looks like that many people simply do not have the ability to think for themselves.
    Your boyfriend sounds like a pretty supportive guy, and may just need educating.
    I understand your struggle, but you need to concentrate on your own well being. Your the one who is suffering here, not him!
    I hope iv understood your post and commented in a way that voices how i feel about this. I just want to give you a big hug right now and hold you,
    you are ok, you will be ok, and i believe you. X x

  • Jess says:

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. You need care and understanding from your boyfriend at this time not judgment and blame – you are not to blame and him blaming you is unfair and damaging. The way he has reacted and the fact that your relationship started when you were very vulnerable worries me. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I see red flags here. Just know that you are not to blame for what happened, you deserve to be around people who care for you and support you at this time. Take gentle care of yourself, you are not to blame.