Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Raped for a second time, boyfriend does not believe me. (content note)

I have been a committed relationship for 4 years with a guy I truly adore. We have planned on getting married, and also starting a family in the future. We are both young in our 20's, but we have a strong friendship before the relationship. When I was in 6th grade, for 3 years, I was raped by my grandfather. I was molested, raped, forced to have oral sex with him, numerous things. After being with ,my boyfriend I finally told him the reason why I was so reserved after dating for a few months. Growing up,I never told my grandmother or my mom about the incident. One day, me and my boyfriend were at a family function, and I broke down out of no where, because I was tired of seeing him live a happy life, and my family not knowing what he did to me growing up. My boyfriend stood up for me, and told my family the situation that happened, and I loved him even more after that, and looked at him like my hero. Recently, I was raped again at my friends house by her brother. It happened around 530 AM, and I was sleep. I heard him come in the room, and I ignored it at first. During the rape I froze up. I tried pushing him off, but my boyfriend is blaming me for not pushing hard enough. I didn't scream or yell, knowing there were other people in the house I was scared, and I froze up. I panicked, and I didn't know what to do at all. I immediately tried calling him and my friend afterwards, but no answer. I know I should have called the police first, but I was afraid of the outcome. I told him 5 hours later, and he immediately went to bashing me and saying I wanted it. I went to the police, and reported the incident. Today is day 3 since the incident, and he does not want to speak with me at all. He keeps saying I should have yelled, I should have screamed or fought harder. Or he will say I'm strong enough to fight him off of me. I seriously panicked and froze up. I'm starting to feel like crap for actually standing up for myself and telling my loved ones the second time around. And I feel like if I would have kept everything bottled up like I did the first time around nothing like this would happen. All I need is for him to support me and love me, and let me know he is here for me. This is a very hard time, and the one person I need is blaming me for everything. This is making it hard to move on with my life in all, and to be honest I've had suicidal thoughts recently, because its hard. I feel worthless and powerless. I would have thought that my best friend/lover would be here for me and it sucks, that he isn't... My mom is saying that we may need a lot of time apart, but its hard when he is my daily routine.

 

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2 thoughts on “Raped for a second time, boyfriend does not believe me. (content note)

  • Admin says:

    Your boyfriend is wrong. This is not your fault. And he has no right to hold you accountable for the actions of the man who chose to rape you. Below are a list of the free phone numbers of rape crisis helplines in the UK. Please reach out for support from one of them.

    Please remember this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong and your boyfriend has no right to blame you.

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • lynda says:

    Dear A i am so sorry this has happened to you this is not your fault and nobody should blame you or tell you that you should have done something to stop it. When we are sexually assaulted we can either fight, flight or freeze these are normal reactions that our bodies take when we are in a dis empowering situation. Often our minds cannot take the situation and we all can do is disassociation from our bodies/minds being so violated by another person who has invaded our personal space and invaded our body. Your strong and brave and courageous to tell us your story hear as well as your story was told to your family about your grandfather. Nobody has the right to blame you i would urge you to seek support and help from a Rape council service that can help you talk through things slowly in your own time in your own space. We all deal with different things differently i know after being attacked as a child and then again as an adult their are so many emotions feelings that have been hidden inside to keep everything in for so long that can have an effect on our minds and bodies. I would like to say that as a child you were groomed by your grandfather and again this is not your fault only the perpetrators fault at the end of the day he choose to do what he did its never is the victims fault as a child or again as the adult. Our bodies react in those situations and its a normal reaction to an abnormal thing. Please dont feel worthless because your beautiful and yes you do feel powerless because that is what perpetrators unfortunately make you feel when they choose to hurt and abuse you. I have been through similar and for along time and still struggle with this but i know that when we freeze we can not speak or shout and the only thing to do is nothing that is no fault of yours. I say that your boyfriend is angry but that doesn t make it right and he should never ever take it out on you or even blame you. Maybe your mum is right and you need sometime a part to concentrate on you for you to access support and heal and move forward. I send my love hugs to you thank you for being so brave and courageous sharing your story take care Lynda