Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Rape in a relationship

Im still with him but my partner wouldn't take no for an answer and even though i said no multiple times still had sex with me. the next day he kept saying i was to blame for not physically stopping him and for hugging him and giving him the wrong signals. :(

 

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6 thoughts on “Rape in a relationship

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
    Consent for sex and sexual activity should be enthusiastic – that is, the absence of a ‘no’ should not be taken as a ‘yes’.
    Have you thought about some advice from women’s services about this issue?
    You can find non-judgemental help and support on our ‘Get Support’ page.

    Please contact us by email if you would like us to provide some confidential advice and support.

  • Withheld says:

    Damn, that sounds familiar. Do not allow his transferral of guilt: you said no, you *know* you said no, and clearly he knew too.
    I know its easier said than done, but please consider getting out of this. Please. One occasion can very easily transform into a pattern.
    You are brave for sharing, you are not to blame, you deserve respect.

  • Emma Stone says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I know it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is sexually abusing you. I have been in a relationship like this. For a while I thought my pain didn’t count because he didn’t batter me, but sexual assault is in of itself violent.

    Just remember that your instincts are correct. Even if he says otherwise, three ‘No’s and one ‘Fine’ doesn’t make up consent. Your sexual assault was not your fault.

    If you would like a support group in which to discuss these difficult issues I would recommend pandys.org. There is specifically a section for ‘Surviving Relationship Violence’ and even some threads specific to sexual assault in otherwise non violent relationships (if that applies to you). Pandy’s refers to this type of sexual assault as ‘Partner Rape’ and you may find their page explaining this comforting. http://pandys.org/partnerrapesurvivors.html

    You are unbelievably brave. Thank you for sharing. I say this often on Pandy’s, I am glad to know I am not alone but so very sorry that this has happened to you. I’ll be here for you.

  • Michelle says:

    You are in a relationship so of course you hug him, hugging isn’t a sexual act. In what way were you meant to physically stop him? This man is clearly used to getting his own way and he is putting his needs before yours and is taking advantage of the fact you care for him and that you are confused by his behaviour. I know this is difficult to accept but he will probably continue this behaviour, you can’t change a selfish person into a non-selfish one but you can decide to put yourself first, please do and move on, you deserve respect and real love.

  • c says:

    Thanks for all your replies i know its wrong but its so difficult to know what to do we have 3 children together and have been together 7yrs. How do i know if its a one off like he says it is? I’m his first ever partner and hes always been a bit odd/demanding when it comes to sex. We are both 30 so not young either. He was really apologetic when it happened but the next morning it was all my fault. Just very confused.

  • Emma Stone says:

    Weather or not you choose to leave I really do suggest you discuss this event. It doesn’t matter what age you are, if you are his first, or if he’s apologetic. Its still something that upset you (for good reason mind you!) and you really should discuss it. Your life choices are up to you but sexual abuse isn’t something you can just push to the back of your mind. I found that out after three years in a sexually abusive relationship. I didn’t even see the constant sexual assault for what it was until 6 months after. No matter when you figure it out its something you have to talk about.

    Its ok if you still love him. Its ok if you want to stay because you think its the best for your kids. Its ok that you are confused. Its not your fault for feeling this way, its an unbelievably complicated situation. But because it is so complicated its something you should talk about, in depth.

    Please please please don’t push this to the back of your mind.