Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Please help!

I became aware that my daughter was showing signs of sexual abuse when in the care of her dad. After consulting with a close friend who is also a high risk social worker I was informed that if I had concerns and did not take action I could later be blamed for allowing it to occur. I was coming of a 7 month round of treatment for liver disease and was very sick so I stopped the visits with my ex and my daughter and daughter the help of a professional therapist. Not long after my ex took me to court claiming any and every lie he could to move the focus from him and try to focus on me. . . Including telling the courts my side effects from interferon treatment were mental illness. From day one in the court system I was treated badly. They treated me like a was a horrible human being for even suggesting sexual abuse occurred. Over the next 2 years I also became aware my ex was stalking us and coming into my home without permission. I told the courts. I asked the lawyer to help me get a restraining order. I was told there was not enough proof for the restraining order and to investigate the sexual abuse the courts ordered a parenting evaluation that I was ordered to pay for in full because I was the one making the allegation. The evaluator was supposed to determine if sexual abuse occurred and if not reinstate visits every other weekend. However, she did a standard evaluation – judging my treatment side effects as if they were my normal character and way of life (without ever consulting with my specialist), she completely left my older daughters interview out of her report. My older daughter came forward discussing abuse she believed occurred between her and my ex too…. And the evaluator took away partial custody from me and gave 50/50 to the man who had been touching our daughter in the shower. I was treated like a scum bag mother for trying to protect my child and for telling the truth and not once did the court address my recovery from treatment of give me any time to recover before moving forward. I am still beside myself with sadness, anger, and disbelief. The process cost me my entire savings and 20k in debt trying to protect my daughter and I am told now I have no options. It has been heartbreaking and devastating. If anyone out there’s knows how I can get free legal assistance please let me know. I need help with this.

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5 thoughts on “Please help!

  • Admin says:


    I’m so sorry for your experiences. The family courts in many jurisdictions prioritize father’s rights over children’s safety. Can you tell us where you live so we can see if can find someone in your area to help? If you’re in England/ Wales, we can give you names of organizations that can help you.

  • I am so sorry you have been through this awful ordeal, sounds appalling & shows the misogny & lack of awareness of grooming & sexual abuse. I am not a lawyer but know that the Human Rights Act can be used around inhumane & degrading treatment which you have experienced. I am sure there are other laws and hope you can get good advice.
    Well done doing so much with a condition as well. Hope you get advice & support to help you.
    Wishing you all the best.
    P.S sounds like your ex is a narc or psychopath. Again not qualified to assess but there are some good sites out there.

  • Jenny says:

    I really hope you get the help you deserve, keep at it, one day it will fall into place and you and your daughter will be free of him, praying and sending hope your way, its all I can do but I hope you know it is sent with care and hope.

  • Radish says:

    Your story is awful: by doing what any good Mother would do, you find yourself in dreadful debt and still unable to guarantee your daughter’s safety.
    Firstly, it’s clear that you’ve been a great Mum. Your daughter has been able to come to you with this worry, and you’ve believed her, validated her, and taken steps to keep her safe. You should be applauded for that, and it isn’t just that it wasn’t recognised.
    Your ex seems abusive, from your description of him, here. I would advise you to make contact with your local Women’s Aid. There are women’s services locally that specialise in supporting victims/siurvivor a of domestic abuse. I’ve used them, and I found them to be the first time someone actually believed me about what was happening.
    Wishing you all the very best of luck. I hope you and your daughter are able to find a way through this nightmare. I’ll be thinking of you.

  • Ashley says:

    Hi, firstly I want to say how sad I am that you are going through all this and with no support. I am in the very early stages of setting up a new charity that will help survivors and their families at every stage of agency intervention. You and your daughters are entitled to support and ultimately your one goal is your daughters safety and then thier recovery and I will endeavour to research and enquire into what support is possibly available to and If at some point in the near future there is something that we can do to help I will most definitely be in touch with you. Feel free to message me anytime.