Once, Twice and the rest.
Growing up I came from a religious family who despised female sexuality. From a young age I would hear comments like 'she is a slut, look at the way she is dressed' and was taught, 'if you go back to a man's house then what do you expect?’
This was all under the guise of 'protection', but not once was I told that I had a right to say no even if I did go back to a man’s house, and not once was I told that it is normal for me to have a sexuality and that teenage girls do experiment with that. This has set me up for hell.
I tried to retain my virginity because I knew that I would be a 'slut' and 'fair game' and 'no-one will respect you'. When I was 15 (or 16 I forget now) I was raped whilst extremely drunk.
The older boys told my friends that they would help me get to the toilet, because at this point I was unable to walk. I had failed to protect myself and was now nothing more than a worthless slut. Every boy who knew the boys who did it harangued, harassed and mocked me.
I always counted these people as the first people I had slept with. So did my next partner who said that it made me a 'slut'. What was I to expect? I had been warned that I would never be respected again.
He prevented me from going out, from speaking to people; he made me feel so small. He made me re-enact vile and abusive porn scenes. When I said no he said that I was, a 'slut' and that he had to deal with the fact that he was going out with one so I should at least make the effort to satisfy his needs.
I did and it was painful and degrading and I never had any satisfaction from the experiences. All I wanted was love.
After this I would drink and have sex with anyone. I did not value myself as a human being. Life went on, I moved on to a place where no one knew that I was a 'slut'.
After splitting up with a long-term partner I moved back home, one night I was with a friend in a male acquaintances house. I was tipsy and I kissed him. I thought about having sex with him.
I changed my mind and asked if it was ok if I could just sleep at his house. He then pried my legs apart and penetrated my vagina with his fingers whilst I tried to push him away.
What could I do? I had gone back to his house, what more could I expect? I owed it to him now. So I let him have sex with me, I tried to get him to wear a condom, but he would not and I had to respect that as I was the one who had gone there and led him on, I was deflated.
I had sex with him repeatedly to make it seem as though it was what I wanted, as if it was normal. He would constantly tell me that he knew I liked being raped as he was friends with my ex and my rapist.
Finally, I met a who I told this to, I often warned partners of what a whore I had been. When I told him the things that have happened, he was shocked and made me go to a counselor.
This has made me come to terms with the fact that I have been abused more than once.
I finally begin to recover my life, whilst trying to tell my parents how damaging and dis-empowering their messages of 'protection' can be without ensuring I know my rights too and that a man is wrong and not me.
Whilst studying I had a drink, very recently, with new people. At the end of the day I did not want to spend my time locked away afraid of being raped. Well I was raped.
This time I remember it because I could not move. The people took my clothes and redressed me in clean clothes following the attack.
All the time I could not move or speak. This time I know it is rape.
I am angry with my parents for telling me that I am the one on the wrong and refusing to accept that what they have told me is dangerous.
Recently they told me about concerns with a man who had been sending inappropriate texts to young girls. I begged them to report him, but they perceive me to be a busy body. I reported him.
Now I have lost my family, I cannot finish my degree, I cannot financially support myself and without help I am facing homelessness. My life is over now, BUT THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE AGAIN!
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