Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Once, Twice and the rest.

Growing up I came from a religious family who despised female sexuality. From a young age I would hear comments like 'she is a slut, look at the way she is dressed' and was taught, 'if you go back to a man's house then what do you expect?’

This was all under the guise of 'protection', but not once was I told that I had a right to say no even if I did go back to a man’s house, and not once was I told that it is normal for me to have a sexuality and that teenage girls do experiment with that. This has set me up for hell.

I tried to retain my virginity because I knew that I would be a 'slut' and 'fair game' and 'no-one will respect you'. When I was 15 (or 16 I forget now) I was raped whilst extremely drunk.

The older boys told my friends that they would help me get to the toilet, because at this point I was unable to walk. I had failed to protect myself and was now nothing more than a worthless slut. Every boy who knew the boys who did it harangued, harassed and mocked me.

I always counted these people as the first people I had slept with. So did my next partner who said that it made me a 'slut'. What was I to expect? I had been warned that I would never be respected again.

He prevented me from going out, from speaking to people; he made me feel so small. He made me re-enact vile and abusive porn scenes. When I said no he said that I was, a 'slut' and that he had to deal with the fact that he was going out with one so I should at least make the effort to satisfy his needs.

I did and it was painful and degrading and I never had any satisfaction from the experiences. All I wanted was love.

After this I would drink and have sex with anyone. I did not value myself as a human being. Life went on, I moved on to a place where no one knew that I was a 'slut'.

After splitting up with a long-term partner I moved back home, one night I was with a friend in a male acquaintances house. I was tipsy and I kissed him. I thought about having sex with him.

I changed my mind and asked if it was ok if I could just sleep at his house. He then pried my legs apart and penetrated my vagina with his fingers whilst I tried to push him away.

What could I do? I had gone back to his house, what more could I expect? I owed it to him now. So I let him have sex with me, I tried to get him to wear a condom, but he would not and I had to respect that as I was the one who had gone there and led him on, I was deflated.

I had sex with him repeatedly to make it seem as though it was what I wanted, as if it was normal. He would constantly tell me that he knew I liked being raped as he was friends with my ex and my rapist.

Finally, I met a who I told this to, I often warned partners of what a whore I had been. When I told him the things that have happened, he was shocked and made me go to a counselor.

This has made me come to terms with the fact that I have been abused more than once.

I finally begin to recover my life, whilst trying to tell my parents how damaging and dis-empowering their messages of 'protection' can be without ensuring I know my rights too and that a man is wrong and not me.

Whilst studying I had a drink, very recently, with new people. At the end of the day I did not want to spend my time locked away afraid of being raped. Well I was raped.

This time I remember it because I could not move. The people took my clothes and redressed me in clean clothes following the attack.

All the time I could not move or speak. This time I know it is rape.

I am angry with my parents for telling me that I am the one on the wrong and refusing to accept that what they have told me is dangerous.

Recently they told me about concerns with a man who had been sending inappropriate texts to young girls. I begged them to report him, but they perceive me to be a busy body. I reported him.

Now I have lost my family, I cannot finish my degree, I cannot financially support myself and without help I am facing homelessness. My life is over now, BUT THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE AGAIN!

 

We do NOT give permission for posts published as personal experiences to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.

Download this post as PDF? Click here Download PDF

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments are currently closed.

One thought on “Once, Twice and the rest.

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us. We believe you. The experiences you have had are not your fault. Abusers choose to behave abusively.

    We know that adults and children often ignore their early warning signs for many reasons – often because they have not been taught to understand what they mean.

    Can we signpost you to some support? We have a list of organisations who can help on our Get Support page.

    Or you could contact us by email and we can offer a list of local services: everydayvictimblaming@gmail.com