Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

No Justice = No Closure

I am writing this in the hope of finding people who have been through the same experiences as me with the hope of moving on from this as it is ruining my life.

I have a history of mental health issues which includes depression, severe anxiety and recently I have been told I am somewhere on the bipolar spectrum.
I'm not a violent person but I do snap at loved ones and have a horrible tongue when I crash and have an episode. I just wanted to make it clear first and foremost that I have never used violence against my ex, who I am about to tell you about.

18mths ago my ex-partner beat me up, using his hands and his feet, because I wouldn't let go of his car keys.. I was trying to stop him from drink-driving and possibly killing himself or someone else. He'd got himself in a knot one night as we'd been celebrating my new job and had a few drinks, but the night came to an end when he stormed off upstairs in a mood because he'd got his wires crossed about something that had happened just recently. He stormed down the stairs twice saying he couldn't sleep as my music was too loud, but I turned it down and when he came down a third time he went for his car keys. I quickly followed him out to the car begging him not to be so stupid and if he wanted to go home he could just walk. But he wouldn't have it. I grabbed the keys with both hands which he'd just put in the engine and I wouldn't let go. I was like a dog with a bone. By this time my ex was sat in the driving seat, I was outside the car with the driver door open clinging onto the keys for dear life begging him to let go.
My ex then started grabbing my wrists trying to get the keys but when he couldn't do it he started punching me repeatedly in both arms and kicking me in my legs. My arms and legs were covered in bruises and my wrists where he grabbed me, but I still wouldn't let go and I'd never seen his face like that before, he was gritting his teeth, and his eyes were just crazy, he wasn't there, it was like he lost the plot and it was his face which scared me more than the violence, calling me names through gritted teeth, spitting as he 'growled' and even though he was really hurting me and I was crying begging him to stop I still wouldn't let go.

The last thing he did was a kick to the face. He booted me with his shoes on, he got me in the right eye and my forehead, I let go of the keys and my head flew backwards into a brick wall behind me, and he drove off.
I was in too much of a state to ring the police and didn't want them to know what he'd done as I knew he would get into big trouble.
I was picked up by a taxi driver who took me to his house and bathed my face and arms and fed me cups of tea and cigarettes until he felt comfortable with me going home alone as I was so upset.

I couldn't leave my house for a fortnight, couldn't see my Daughter and I couldn't start my new job as it was obvious I hadn't just "walked into a door.."
My ex made no contact with me at all and vice versa, until I contacted him saying "Don't you think you owe me an apology?" he replied with "What for?"
So I sent him the photos which my Mother had taken of my injuries.

He denied causing the injuries to me at first, flat out denied it saying he couldn't remember it. Then gradually his story changed to "I only shoved you.." to "I remember punching you but I didn't kick you.." to him apologising for the whole thing saying "I never meant to hurt you.." but then he retracted his entire apology again and denied doing any of it. I tried my best to forgive him and help him. He was 36yr old when I met him, still living with parents, no rent to pay, no responsibilities, no debts or anything, refused to move out of his parents house because he didn't like the idea of paying to live somewhere he would be less happy.. After almost 3yrs together I would sometimes mention us living together in teh future, if we were out walking for example and spotted a nice house I'd jokingly say "Oooh that's a nice house, I could just see you doing this while I'm doing that.." just joking, like a romantic fantasy which is pretty normal I'd have thought when you're in a relationship with someone you love, but his response was always "Get real.." "Living together?" "You don't live in the real world.." "You need a reality check.." etc. He had me convinced that I was the one out of touch with reality, I really loved him, admired him and looked up to him at the same time, he wasn't all bad.

This wasn't the first time he physically harmed me, he'd done it about a year previously again similar situation, a few drinks and a stupid row ensued where he wanted to storm home to his parents around 2am so I grabbed the door keys as he went for them begging him to calm down and not to involve his parents who were both retired. But instead he punched me three times in the back of my right hand causing what I think was a sprain though I didn't go to hospital as didn't want him to get into trouble. I had to leave my job that time as a kitchen assistant as I couldn't grasp a knife or do my job quickly enough and was slowing the whole kitchen down.

His excuses for both of these incidents were "You were stopping me from having my freedom, you were preventing me from doing what I want.." but at the same time still refusing to admit fully the extent of what he did.

Finally a third time, he went for his car keys again, but this time I didn't stop him, he was drunk and I looked him in the eyes and said "I'm not gonna try n stop you this time but if you do this I'm going to ring the police." So he did, and I rang them. How dare he risk other people's lives!
The police caught him, he got a 9mth ban, a fine, but somehow his boss let him keep his job as a delivery driver, my guess is he gave some sob story to make his boss feel sorry for him. It's my belief he is still denying and lying about what happened, painting himself a victim and me the "psycho.." as it would be easy to do given that I have Bipolar and Depression and openly talk about it on Twitter/Facebook. I'm not ashamed of it. I've never hurt a hair on his head and have nothing to hide. But he keeps on lying about it as people randomly delete me, people who are "his" friends if you like, and one of them actually told me that they do not believe my ex physically hurt me in any way.

I wish I had gone to the police at the time but since then we found out his Mum is terminally ill with cancer and I simply can't do it to him, I have until November this year to do anything about it, but how can I when his Mother is so ill, a woman I spent a lot of time with while I was with him as he lived with her and his Dad, I basically lived with them half the week for almost 3yrs and love his parents. I can't put them through any more stress, I'm not a heartless person. I'm a very emotional person with a big heart.

I felt so guilty about him getting locked up and banned that I ended up apologising to him by paying for us both to go to London to see a band.
How stupid am I?
I wiped my bank account of a thousand pounds and left myself with nothing just to show how much I loved him and how bad I felt about getting him locked up.
Yet I got no real apology from him, instead he is still spinning a web of lies and I saw him the other day for the first time in 8mths. We split up in October last year when I walked out and left him during a meal, as we'd been getting on really well lately after London in June and he had been texting/ringing/landing at my door whenever he felt like it as he wasn't coping with his Mother's illness, I was basically there for him at the drop of a hat, we were still sleeping together, going for meals, trips away, everything was the same but then when I dared to mention the word 'relationship' over a meal this night he responded with "I don't want a relationship with anyone I want to be single.." I felt sick and used, I got up and left my meal and walked out.
I then posted an anonymous status on FB describing briefly what he'd done, referring to the domestic abuse and everything else, in my mind I thought "He's got away with it, but I'm not keeping quiet any longer.." he is a well-liked person in the local area, to others he is a nice quiet lad, but noone has ever known him like I did, I was his first ever relationship and he seriously struggled to compromise with everything. It was hard work but I loved him and was willing to make sacrifices to be with him. I was so upset and hurt when he said that over the meal. The status was anonymous, I made out I was talking about a friend. But he himself piped up and commented "I wasn't drunk.." so he wasn't denying what he did, instead he was actually saying he did it sober.

Anyway.. When I saw him the other day he completely ignored me.
We'd been friends for 4yrs, I'd asked him out 3 times I think before eventually getting together for almost 3yrs. We went everywhere together and he actually helped my depression a lot getting me into exercise and fell walking, encouraging me to get back into work, but in all honesty the only raason I forced myself back to work was because I felt he would leave me if I didn't. I don't think he fully grasped mental illness.
Him ignoring me after 7yrs absolutely destroyed me. Plus all the lies he's told people to make me look like the baddie and him the victim.

I'm not coping well and because he hasn't apologised, and because I can't put his family through any more stress, and the web of lies he's spun my mental health has gone rapidly downhill, I attempted suicide a few weeks ago and I'm completely back at square one. Out of work, no confidence, and all trust in people has vanished.
He cut me off from his family too and I can't go to see his Mam.
I'm pretty much giving up, it probably sounds stupid, people say "Noone is worth this.." "Get over it.." "Move on.." but it's not as simple as that, I'm not consciously dwelling on it, I am trying with support of mental health team but just getting nowhere. It doesn't help that I am not allowed full custody of my Daughter either for "Risk Of Emotional Harm" as I have Bipolar.
Never harmed a hair on her head, but because I have history of self harm, up to a few years before she was born they said I am a risk to her.
I feel like I have nothing to live for and I've literally had the last bits of positivity beaten out of me. And he doesn't care. He now has an act to keep up because of the lies he's told and there's no thought for how that affects me.

I am crying as I type this. It's been 18mths and it still feels like it was yesterday. If anyone can help me with this please get in touch somehow.
I need all the help I can get as I do not have much support at home, and friends don't really have that much time for me. They get sick of hearing me talk about suicide and seeing me depressed. But so do I.. This isn't a life.

When someone you love with all your heart does something like this, then blames you for it and you can't get anything done about it, no justice.. No closure.

Please help. X

 

 

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10 thoughts on “No Justice = No Closure

  • Admin says:

    I am so very sorry to hear of your experiences. This is not your fault. Nothing you have done means you deserve to be hurt like this.

    You can approach the police to report your experiences. I understand how difficult it is to make such a decision when his mother is ill, but the choice is yours and must be based on your needs. Unintended consequences for extended family are not your responsibility. Right now, you need to do what is best for you. You can choose not to report, make a report but ask the police not to file charges at this time, or you can choose to make a statement leading to criminal charges.This must be about what you need at this moment.

    Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge : 0808 2000 247 It’s open 24/7 and the women who staff the helpline can help you access local services or simply listen to you. (http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ )

    Women’s Aid also has a forum where you can get support : http://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk The parenting website Mumsnet

    If you need immediate support for your mental health, please call the Samaritans:
    116 123 (UK)
    116 123 (ROI)

  • Samantha says:

    You are a wonderful person. It’s obvious from how you have articulated this heartbreaking episode and for the empathy you feel for him and his Mother. One can feel very alone when living with depression, everything can seem grey and feel like everyone either dislikes you or is indifferent. That is not the case as you know when not depressed. Remember that please and take care of yourself and keep working if you can. Take care xx

  • Diane says:

    I’m so sorry to read all you have been through and the ongoing struggles you are facing. I wanted to say well done for reaching out, it’s not always easy to do and yet it’s so important not to be isolated because there really are people who can support you. I understand what it’s like to feel like things are never going to get better, but they can and you should be proud of the healthy choice you have made to walk away from this violence. I feel proud of you for that because even if things are obvious it doesn’t mean they are easy to do. I also think you are brilliant in that you are right not to have any shame about mental health. So many of us live with depression, anxiety etc and some days are better than others and we all need the support of friends, family and services to help us through. I agree with everything in the above post too. None of this is your fault and all that is important is that you make the choices that are right for you. I wish you lot’s of love, strength, courage and solidarity. xxx

  • Cath says:

    I am very sorry for all your bad experiences with this man. It’s a lot to be dealing with even without mental health issues thrown in. I can only echo what has been said above. You will probably find it helpful to speak on the phone to a counsellor about this, who may even be able to point you in the direction of local support. They may even be able to help you work out how best to get your daughter back.

    Your priority has to be to take care of you, no one else, so you can start to be able to deal with it all. Are you getting any mental health support just now? The mental health charity MIND has lots of local groups that might be able to help you access some help. See
    http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

    Remember the hurt being caused to you, and the potential hurt to your ex’s mum, is all your ex’s fault, not yours at all. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all. Nor do you need to justify what you have done. You were kind, you tried to help, you offered love him and friendship. These are all admirable things you should be proud of. That he repaid you with cruelty and abuse is not your fault or your shame but HIS.

    Well done for writing this. It shows great courage.

  • Simon Capstick says:

    Please know people are reading about your awful experiences and trauma, and that we see them. Nothing you did caused, or excuses, his behaviour. People like that are good at deception and it is not your fault you chose him. Telling your story is a powerful step to becoming a survivor of abuse. I wish you the very best in your journey.

  • Liz says:

    You do not deserve this pain. I am so sorry that you have been treated this badly and are suffering like this.

    This man does not deserve your consideration or your love.
    He has hurt you intentionally and repeatedly. Any decisions you make should be based on your needs alone – he has forfeited any rights. You don’t need to decide immediately though, first you need to look after yourself.

    Please reach out and contact support services, like the ones listed above. I know it’s hard, from personal experience, but it’s so important that you take whatever steps you possibly can to care for yourself.

    Wishing you strength and comfort to help you through this.

  • Jo says:

    I echo what everyone else has said, but wanted to let you know about an amazing woman on twitter who may be able to support you in your dealings with social care. She’s @survivecourt & has blogged her experiences of having her children removed & now supports other women in similar situations with advice. Her blog is here:
    http://survivingsafeguarding.co.uk/
    Sending you lots of love & support x

  • lynda says:

    Hi Anon, I am so sorry you have to have gone through this. As a person suffering from depression myself and was in a relationship with another person and suffered from domestic violence. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship like this and is constantly being blamed and also being put down and having physical violence used against them. Your are amazing strong person to tell us your story myself i’m going blind to not for the domestic violence for health issues I guess caused by bad relationship. You deserve to be treated with kindness respect and honesty. It’s never the victims fault that the person you had a relationship with has treated you in this appallingly way. He has used your mental health difficulties and your vulnerability to make out that your the problem your the abuser when in fact his behaviour should be contested. We all make choices in are lives and we all are not whiter than white. Even we might retaliate once in our relationships we all have to take accountability for that one situation. It doesn’t make it right what he has been doing nor manipulating you by making sure you don’t go to the police because of his mum’s illness. The only person who can make that choice to disclose his yourself nobody else.
    i’m sorry your losing your sight because of the physical violence you have had to suffer from. I was wondering if you had a chance to speak to your mental health worker and talked out what happened to you or your GP or even a counselling service that are trained in this area. Also do you have an advocacy service in your area that can help you with seeing your child and also getting some support from a mental health service. I don’t know if this might help when my ex left he was my carer and I would only let two people in my house one a friend the other a professional to help me. In the end I slowly took my power and control back from others I started of slowly one step at a time because I had been agoraphobic for sixteen years. At times the journey isn’t easy and their our many set backs but I would try and concentrate on yourself and being kind to your self. If you can think of one small goal that you can make and do for yourself that is how I started now i’m at university p/t and a single mum of two children. Remember your worth it your life is worth it no matter how many times your ex makes out to others that your crazy your a liar you both no the truth, you have pictures of what he did on that night he kicked you me a nurse and others saw my bruising. It might be really hard right now and you feel so low and want to give up and self harm I have been there where you are now but for me I know my mood will go back up again it might take a while but it does go back eventually.
    The most thing that has help me recently through this was two psychologist you said that you’ve been through an abnormal situation and this is how you’ve coped with it saying my behaviour was normal for the situation and understandable because of my experience. I know sometimes we do things to protect us from further harm because were hurting inside and we are trying to tell people how we are feeling. I hope that you get help and the support you deserve. Look after yourself I send my love hugs to you remember their are many of us who
    have gone through the same things as yourself who have mental health difficulties and slowly are rebuilding their lives.YOU
    your life are worth it and worth living take care keep safe best wishes Lynda

  • Stephen Madill says:

    My heart goes out to you. You have done everything right, but been abused by a man who, for whatever reason can’t see past his own hurt and a system that holds women and mothers in particular to impossible standards whilst expecting little of men and fathers. I suspect you’re a remarkable person worn down by how others have treated you. Stay strong 💪 and remind yourself of all your strengths and the great things you have done. Which includes, btw trying to save a drunken fool from himself without a thought for your own wellbeing. I think that in itself shows remarkable humanity and selflessness 😊

  • Anon says:

    Thank you everyone who has replied.
    I’ve read them all a few times over and I’ve come to the decision that something must be done about it, as it’s just not right he is carrying on like nothing happend while I’m terrified to leave my house due to anxiety attacks and wanting to end my life.
    It’s not right.
    There is so much truth and reason in all your replies.

    Thanks for helping me find the strength and for your support. X