Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

my real life hurt (content note: physical abuse)

Reading these stories bring me to such tears. As I sit here covered in bruises, a bloodied nose (not sure if it's broke , but I daren't go to hospital), two busted lips and an entirely swollen right side of my face all I feel I can do is weep. I too have experienced abuse in a lesbian relationship with the last episode only hours ago.

We've fought before, but never have I been abused like this before. All I could do was curl up in a ball and feel every single blow to my body and face. I have no one but her now and am completely lost and have no idea what to do.

I don't know how I'll be able to cover all my wounds before work in the morning, but someone is sure to notice my ailments. I know no one will help, but they'll be sure to whisper behind my back and discuss my relationship.

What do you do in situations like this? I feel so low and broken and alone, and of course, this is all my fault according to her. I don't feel like the beautiful woman I know I used to be, I feel like a lost little girl with no where to go. I just don't know what to do, but I do know I am hurting beyond any hurt I've felt in my life.

To the women who have the courage to get up and go, I admire you all. I wish I was that strong, until the I'll be nursing my wounds and hope the swelling goes down soon. -truly hurting with no where to go.

 

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20 thoughts on “my real life hurt (content note: physical abuse)

  • Catherine Costello says:

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. I believe you and none of this is your fault.
    If you feel ready to access support, then I know EVB will be able to suggest places.
    Until you’re ready, please keep talking.
    If you want to talk via dm I’m @planetcath and I will listen any time you want to share.
    There are many of us who have been in similar situations and we know what it takes just to disclose.
    You are incredibly brave. Sending you much love & support xx

  • FireWomon says:

    I can only echo Cath’s comments. I am so sorry you’ve suffered this. I’ve been in a very similar place to you and suffered similar injuries and I well remember that the worst thing was I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to, not a soul in the world. Know that there are women here for you. If you feel able to contact Cath (or me @FireWomon), please do so. You matter. Don’t ever forget that xxx

  • Jean Hatchet says:

    This is so hard to read. I can only offer you the assurance that somewhere inside yourself the real you still lives. If you search for her you can hold her and tell her you love her and that you will look after her. Do this out loud.

    Eventually you might feel strong enough to leave this horrible situation but that can’t be hurried. You will need a lot of support. Take all support offered. EVB will point you at relevant organisations. Go to them. I have never regretted approaching a service which helped me. But…. the real saviours of me was other feminist women on Twitter. They are a phenomenal bunch. I’m @JeanHatchet. Like Cath above. I’m here for you anytime.

    • Admin says:

      Thanks to all the women who have offered support today.

      We believe you. We know it isn’t your fault.

      If you can, please keep talking to us. There are also support services that you can contact, completely anonymously.

      Broken Rainbow is an organisation for LGBT people who are experiencing domestic violence and abuse. Their website is brokenrainbow.org.uk, and they also have a helpline that you can call completely anonymously 03009995428

      Women in lesbian relationships can also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline – this is a 24hr, confidential service & I know the women on the helpline are really supportive, as I have used it myself. The number is 08082000247.

      If you would like details of local support services, who will support you, listen to you and help keep you safe, please email us with your closest town & we will find some additional info.

      Sending peaceful thoughts x

  • Louise says:

    I am so sorry this has happened to you. I believe you and it isnot your fault.

    We are here to listen if you need us. I am @LeStewpot on twitter if you want to DM.

    The women of EVB are very kind and will listen and support you. We are here for you. X

  • Juliet says:

    Darling- you are still you, and this is not your fault. Sit and remember who you felt you ‘were’. Grab hold of the essence of that person- as Jean says, that essence is still there. You have been abused and all of that fault, all of it, lies with the abuser. See if EVB can get you someone to talk to. No one’s going to rush you, no one’s going to take decisions for you or break your confidence. There can be gentle support as and when you need it to help replenish your lost resources. Sending you love. I’m @jsoosty1 if you need to talk or any other kind of help. Xxxx

  • mms says:

    I hate that this violence has been done to you, and my heart sinks that you have been made to feel so small and at fault. I lived many years with being told his actions were my fault. I am standing beside you as close as you want, if you want. Please try not to fault yourself even a tiny bit. You exist and you are real. You are very worthy of love and respect. xx

  • Helen says:

    This is not your fault. you are strong, maybe not today or tomorrow but your strength is buried deep and it will come out soon. If possible let others help you find your strength and call the helpline that Admin suggested above.

    You deserve to be safe and loved.

  • Lynn says:

    I believe you. You are not to blame. I’ve no words that can bring comfort, but am thinking of you, and (virtually) holding your hand.

  • Aileen Smart says:

    Please be kind to yourself. You matter. You are a beautiful woman. If u can get on Twitter where u can access support from many women. If you want to contact me to chat, cry, or just be I’m @planetsmart009 I’m a lesbian and I send you strength and love.

  • roweena says:

    hi there,

    When any person wounds us in a physical, psychological or sexual way its all kinds of wrong. Dealing with the wrong if it can make us question ourselves. Perhaps it the fact that the act of violence is SO wrong that our Right Minds go looking for a ‘better’ answer.

    Getting the wrong down on paper is a great way to start the ‘making it (as in your life) right for you…. Take 10 deep breaths… and I can I offer this as a thought… http://roweenarussell.com/she-got-away.php

    Remember how brilliant you are… and if you use twitter I am @r2ph.

    Sending you a very big hug.

  • Gill Ward says:

    I’m so sorry and sad to hear the hurt and pain you’re in physically, emotionally, your senses, feelings and sense of self broken and hurt.

    You have taken a huge step writing down and communicating your pain about what has happened to you. That’s bravery. You ARE brave. That shows there is YOU there, inside. It’s what’s happening to you that’s wrong, not you. You are not to blame.

    There are organisations that can help, specialist organisations. You can email your local domestic violence team if talking feels too tough.

    Take gentle steps. This has been your first step, a huge one given your physical and emotional state, which I applaud.

    Most of all, look after yourself and know that people, women, I am thinking about you. We all believe and care about you.

    Thank you for sharing a raw, painful story, such a brave and positive step. I wish I could make you a brew, listen and hold some of the pain you’ve written down here.

    Keep in touch via this site if it helps.

    Love, warm wishes and gentle hugs.

    Xx Gill

  • Claire Moore says:

    Sending you support from afar – You are not alone and you are not to blame – what you’re feeling and experiencing is horrible and a normal response to abuse Posting on here is the first step – The next step is to contact broken rainbow and evb – you can do this anonymously – you don’t have to leave just talk to someone who understands. who will listen and support and help you make the right choices for you – You are stronger than you feel and you are worthy of love and respect hold onto that – the real you is still there however hidden she’s become – love and hugs @cctheatreco

  • Beth says:

    My heart goes out to you – there is no way you are at fault or to blame for what has happened. You’ve shown such strength by posting – when you feel ready please try and access the support that Admin have suggested. We are standing beside you, use our strength to help you ensure that this never happens again.
    BB xxx

  • Barbara Hughes says:

    I am so sorry this is being done to you. None of this is your fault. I hope with all my heart you can stay strong and find some support – I’m here as @carregonnen if you want to talk

  • wetfoot says:

    Hi there, I wanted to echo all the things that have already been said in response to your post and reassure you that you aren’t alone and this isn’t your fault.

    I work for Broken Rainbow, the national LGBT Domestic Violence charity. All our helpline staff are LGBT, we understand what you are going through and we are here to help you. Unfortunately our helpline is closed today and reopens on Monday at 10am but in the meantime you can email us (help@brokenrainbow.org.uk).

    It’s incredibly brave of you to share your story.

  • Lorrie Hearts says:

    I can only echo what’s already been said here. You’re not weak, you’ve done nothing to deserve any of what you’re going through, and I’m so, so sorry your life is so tough right now. Please keep talking and sharing, and know that there are women out there who believe you and who know this isn’t your fault.

  • Another Lesbian says:

    I just want you to know I spent 3.5 yrs in a relationship like this. What compounded the fear and isolation of this experience was the invisibility I felt as a lesbian among lesbians and feminists. I had a hard time reaching proper support that would have enabled me to make a safety plan (“a woman hit you? That’s it?”) and find the ability to leave her safely (I left her many times… but it only made things worse). The worst was when she was abusive in lesbian and “womyn positive” settings and no one said anything. Not even a “Are you ok?” to me privately. A complete blindness or refusal to see that it’s not just men who do these things. I thought it was my obligation as a feminist and a lesbian to support her and apologize for her because she had had such a terrible childhood and felt so invalidated (my own validation and how I was shaped by childhood were irrelevant, I suppose). On top of that, because she would go so batshit insane if I left or even indicated that I might leave, I thought this was my lot in life. I thought there was no way I would ever break free from her even as she became more and more abusive. I felt so, so alone.

    But one day I did. I left her after she was abusive in another womyn’s “safe space” and no one said a word. She was ramping up to seriously harm or kill me and no one was going to do shit for me. It wasn’t without drama and violence and police involvement, but it happened. I found a domestic violence support organization that “saw” me and didn’t judge me for being a lesbian. It’s been eight months. It’s been a very long eight months and it also feels like it’s still very present. It hasn’t been all wonderful. My financial abilities took a serious hit. I’m single where I once had a semblance of “family.” I have remembered things that I would have rather forgotten. But I’m not being name called everyday. I’m not in fear all day of the “superstorm” that would erupt if I didn’t text or call her enough when we were apart. Of my things being stolen for her secret drug habit (a habit that contributed to her ramping up the abuse of me at the end). Of her mind games. Of her pathological lies. Of her physicality. I can sleep through the night because she’s not there to wake me at 1 am in a rage because I didn’t pay enough attention to her at dinner time. I don’t have to listen to hours of her narcissistic whining and ranting. I don’t have to be embarrassed in public when she’s hostile and aggressive with strangers or out of control in a store because someone looked at her funny or disrespected her (in her mind).

    Please reach out to a support group and if they make you uncomfortable, if they rebuff you, REACH OUT AGAIN AND DON’T STOP until you get what you need. I was a husk of a woman, she was killing me, but there was something in me that said “try one more time,” and I did. Even though I miss her sometimes (yes, you do miss them sometimes). Don’t stop asking for help and don’t stop telling your truth.

  • Tracy Webber says:

    Like all the women before me, I am so sorry this is happening to you. No matter what, this is NOT your fault.
    I hope you are able to access support when the time feels right. If you use twitter, you can find me @tracyjwebber. There are some incredibly supportive women on twitter if you need a virtual space to connect with others.
    Please feel free to get in touch.
    Sending you warm wishes & solidarity.
    I believe you. x

  • (Dorothy ( Sue ) Laqua says:

    I remember being where you are. I remember thinking that I had no where to go. But when you get strong again, when your world is not colored by bruises, pain, shame. Millions of women are out here waiting for you to join us in our walk to freedom and survival. Take your time, only you know when you have the strength to walk away. But help is here waiting. sue.laqua@yahoo.com if you need a voice, email me and i will give you my phone number.