Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My Experience With Sexual Assult

When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted. I never tell anyone about what happened in detail, but now I'm almost 18, I feel like its the right time.

Me and a large group of friends were all going to a gig. The band were pretty popular so understandably it was totally sold out and the place was rammed. Near the beginning of the set my friend (who I will not name) ran up to me in floods of tears, screaming in my ear, 'He fucking touched me! He tried to get in my shorts!'

Of course, I got very angry and told her to point out the guy in the crowd. She picked one out saying she thought it was him and I confronted him. Punching him, saying 'you touch my friend again and I'll kill you, you fucking pervert!' It was all I could think to do. Usually I'm not a violent person...

The guy I was punching held me and implored that it wasn't him - he was trying to help my friend get away from the guy who touched her. I didn't know whether to believe him or not so I left him alone and we moved to another part of the crowd. Nothing more happened, so we tried to forget about it and just have fun.

After a while me and some mates decided to go crowd surfing. I was lifted up and was being carried closer and closer to the front. I could see that the crowd was getting more packed the closer I got to the barrier, and then I was pushed upwards by someone lifting me and then felt a massive stab of pain in the middle of my back on my spine. I fell down onto the floor in the middle of a mosh pit.

The pain in my back was excruciating. Little dots had burst in my eyes which made my vision blurry and I couldn't stand up, despite being kicked by the people in the pit. Then I felt hands under my arms that hauled me up onto my feet and turned me round. I was facing a large, muscular, 20-something guy with a shaved head. He yelled in my face over the music 'FUCKING BITCH! YOU LANDED ON MY FUCKING HEAD YOU SKET!'

Hurriedly, I apologised, not that it has been my fault, and stumbled to the edge of the mosh pit where a wall of people blocked me from moving any further. I tried desperately to squeeze between two people whose faces I can't remember, when I felt something I can never forget.

A pair of hands, obviously a man's had grabbed my sides and were holding me in place, while one moved down, into my shorts and underwear. I grabbed at the hand trying to pull it away from me but I wasn't strong enough. I was screaming, but the music was too loud for anyone to hear me, and despite being surrounded by witnesses, no one noticed, no body helped, and I was trapped completely in a desperate struggle.

He put his fingers in me. I screamed louder. No one heard. I remember so vividly being able to see nothing but blurred red lights, feel bodies pressing against me, and the deafening music. Finally I managed to dig my nails into his skin and claw his arm until he let me go. I ran through the crowd, knowing that more than anything I needed to be outside.

When I reached fresh air I vomited through my tears. The worst part was my dad coming to pick me up, and finding me, grubby, covered in my own sick and crying, and having to explain what had happened. How do you tell your dad you've been finger raped?

Since then, even now, I can't stand being fingered, even by the love of my life who I have been with for a year and a half. I never saw his face and he was never caught. The police still have my clothes.

 

 

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One thought on “My Experience With Sexual Assult

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us. We believe you, and don’t believe you did anything to cause this – the fault is with the perpetrator who abused you.

    If you want support in dealing with the sexual assault, there are a list of agencies on our Get Support page who will provide non-judgemental, confidential help and support.

    Sending peaceful thoughts.