Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My ex hangouts with my rapist.

Okay this may be a little long because there is a lot to go over, but basically my boyfriend broke up with me for my rapist. i met my ex boyfriend (i'll call him tom) a couple months ago at a friends house where my rapist was also at. i had known my rapist (i'll call him jay) ever since i was 11 years old. they both live in a small town that is near mine and go to a different school, so i had never really hung out with him before that night. we all became good friends and tom and i really hit it off. we had a lot in common but i always had a thing for jay. before tom and i even started dating, i made out with jay at a party. jay had had a past of cheating on his ex girlfriend and i guess he would beat her too so i decided i should trust my gut and only be his friend. i told tom about the kiss with jay and he forgave me and we moved past it and began to officially date. one night i got a call from jays friend saying he was very drunk and needed a ride home and i told him i couldn't, knowing it would upset tom. jay ended up driving drunk to my house! i knew i couldn't let him drive home like this and he couldn't stay at my house because my mom was home. so i snuck out and i basically had no choice but to drive him (in his car) to his house. i was planning on calling tom or a friend to pick me up from jays house after he had arrived safely and i had hid his keys. tom has a wrestling meet the next day and it was 4 am. no one could pick me up and jay kept begging me to stay over and just hangout. the whole night he kept trying to kiss me saying that he liked me and didn't want me with tom. i told him i was sorry and that it would not be right for me to be with him and i couldn't do that to tom. the whole situation was very difficult because his mom was home and every time he would push me against the wall and try to touch me or kiss me i couldn't yell at him to stop because i didn't want to wake up his family. we stayed up all night and he never gave me a ride home and none of my friends were home. his friends came over and we're supposed to give me a ride but didn't. finally my friend picked me up around 4 pm the next day. i slept for about 2 hours then i got a call and jay said we really needed to talk. i told him i would because i wanted to tell him that it wasn't okay what he was doing and that i could not be with him like that. i brought my friend with me this time. we ended up at his friends house (a party was going on) i had a little to drink before i found jay. i didn't notice at the time but he must have put something in my drink. (the next day my friend told me she noticed him touching my drink but she never told me!!). i felt extremely weak and dizzy and i went into a bedroom to pass out. jay came in and he raped me. i remember telling him no and to stop that it wasn't okay. i was super weak and out of it so i just layed there. i don't remember anything after except that the next morning he drove me home. i was so embarassed that toms friend did that to me. i was ashamed and i felt like it was my fault. tom and jay are very good friends and i felt like it was going to be my fault their friendship was ruined. i told tom i needed to talk to him but when i saw him guilt washed over me. i wasn't ready to talk about it like i thought i was so i just told him i slept with him because i had feelings for him. i don't know why i said that! i know it was wrong to lie but i just couldn't tell him that his best friend did that to me. i was a mess and my mind was all over the place. i didn't want to ruin jays future by calling him out on rape (i'm way too nice i guess). a couple days later i told tom the real truth but he was still angry with me. he would call me a whore and accuse me of cheating (even though he said he believed i was raped because of jays past and i wouldn't lie about something so serious). he wouldn't forgive me even though there was nothing to forgive. he made it feel like it was all my fault and he ended up breaking up with me. he broke my heart and i'm still sad about it (2 months later). after the break up i saw pictures of him with jay. he told me he hated jay for what he did to me. i felt worthless knowing he could even be around jay if he had ever cared about me at all. i texted him about it and i asked him if he still believed me. all he said was "i don't know anymore." i could tell he didn't believe me. he would text me and call me a hoe sometimes. he continues to hangout with jay and already had a new girl. they all hangout. how could he do that? and how could he bring a new girl around jay after this? i feel betrayed. he moved on and left me to deal with it all by myself. then i found out from people from his school that he goes around calling me a slut. his whole family hates me and so does his whole school. people text me calling me a whore and to leave tom alone, that he deserves better than a cheating slut. my heart is so broken. tom also sends me pictures with his new girl to make me feel bad on purpose. i can't believe he is like this! he was so sweet to me during the relationship. how could he hangout with my rapist and call me a slut for being raped. i don't know how to get over this because i still love tom. i wish i had never met either of them.

 

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