My boyfriend blames me for my sexual assault.
Two months ago, I woke up to find a trusted male friend sexually assaulting me. I am a female.
Since I told my boyfriend, I had the feeling that he blamed me. The man who assaulted me was not someone my boyfriend trusted, because he does not trust 99% of my male friends and believes they are all out to try and sleep with me.
He is not comfortable with me sleeping at my male friends' houses (although on this occasion, I had asked for his permission, because it was more convenient for me to stop at my friend's house after our night out than go home. My boyfriend gave me permission).
Yesterday, I felt like it was time we spoke about these feelings I had - surely he couldn't blame me; how could I be blamed for what happened? Two friends go on a night out together, get drunk and go to bed in different rooms. How could I have predicted waking up to hands on my sleeping body?
I asked my boyfriend if he blamed me. He said, 100% no. I asked him if he was angry at me, he said 100% no. I asked him if he felt I was in some way responsible, he said 100% no.
But then he said a lot of things that contradict all of that, and now I am very confused and upset.
My boyfriend told me that I should have seen this coming. That he knew that at some point, one of my male friends would "try it on" with me. This is when I pointed out that sexual assault was more than just a 'come on'.
My boyfriend told me that I was naive to have trusted my friend not to sexually assault me, because "you can't trust anyone".
My boyfriend told me that he saw it coming. When I asked why, if he knew that this person was going to sexually assault me, did he not warn me? Tell me of his predictions? He said because he does not rule my life and it is my life to make mistakes in.
The most upsetting thing he said to me was that in this situation, I had "messed up". This is where I screamed and shouted at him that I did not mess up, This Person messed up, I was sexually assaulted, it was not my fault and I am the victim.
He retracted that last statement, I believe, to stop me from shouting and to calm the situation down.
Now we are "okay"-ish, or at least he believes we are. Not long ago I spoke to a male friend about the sexual assault, and he spoke to me frankly about how he did not understand why a lot of victims keep quiet about it, and that if he was in that situation, he was sure that he would tell everybody. I told him I personally was keeping quiet because the worst feeling in the world would be to be blamed and to be disbelieved, by strangers and loved-ones alike.
Now I am faced with the fact that my boyfriend, perhaps for reasons of jealousy, misogyny, pure madness, I don't know; blames me for my sexual assault.
I don't know how to deal with this - I love him and we have a great relationship, but it seems his jealousy just leaks into every aspect of it and now it's leaked into this one.
I really need to talk to somebody about this.
We do NOT give permission for posts published as personal experiences to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.Download this post as PDF? Click here