Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My boyfriend blames me for my sexual assault.

Two months ago, I woke up to find a trusted male friend sexually assaulting me. I am a female.

Since I told my boyfriend, I had the feeling that he blamed me. The man who assaulted me was not someone my boyfriend trusted, because he does not trust 99% of my male friends and believes they are all out to try and sleep with me.
He is not comfortable with me sleeping at my male friends' houses (although on this occasion, I had asked for his permission, because it was more convenient for me to stop at my friend's house after our night out than go home. My boyfriend gave me permission).

Yesterday, I felt like it was time we spoke about these feelings I had - surely he couldn't blame me; how could I be blamed for what happened? Two friends go on a night out together, get drunk and go to bed in different rooms. How could I have predicted waking up to hands on my sleeping body?

I asked my boyfriend if he blamed me. He said, 100% no. I asked him if he was angry at me, he said 100% no. I asked him if he felt I was in some way responsible, he said 100% no.

But then he said a lot of things that contradict all of that, and now I am very confused and upset.

My boyfriend told me that I should have seen this coming. That he knew that at some point, one of my male friends would "try it on" with me. This is when I pointed out that sexual assault was more than just a 'come on'.

My boyfriend told me that I was naive to have trusted my friend not to sexually assault me, because "you can't trust anyone".

My boyfriend told me that he saw it coming. When I asked why, if he knew that this person was going to sexually assault me, did he not warn me? Tell me of his predictions? He said because he does not rule my life and it is my life to make mistakes in.

The most upsetting thing he said to me was that in this situation, I had "messed up". This is where I screamed and shouted at him that I did not mess up, This Person messed up, I was sexually assaulted, it was not my fault and I am the victim.

He retracted that last statement, I believe, to stop me from shouting and to calm the situation down.

Now we are "okay"-ish, or at least he believes we are. Not long ago I spoke to a male friend about the sexual assault, and he spoke to me frankly about how he did not understand why a lot of victims keep quiet about it, and that if he was in that situation, he was sure that he would tell everybody. I told him I personally was keeping quiet because the worst feeling in the world would be to be blamed and to be disbelieved, by strangers and loved-ones alike.

Now I am faced with the fact that my boyfriend, perhaps for reasons of jealousy, misogyny, pure madness, I don't know; blames me for my sexual assault.

I don't know how to deal with this - I love him and we have a great relationship, but it seems his jealousy just leaks into every aspect of it and now it's leaked into this one.

I really need to talk to somebody about this.

 

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7 thoughts on “My boyfriend blames me for my sexual assault.

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us. We believe you, and know it isn’t your fault.
    We have organisations who can support you, listed on our ‘Get Support’ page, or you can contact us by email with your location and we will try to find a local service. Everydayvictimblaming@gmail.com
    Sending peaceful thoughts.

  • Kara says:

    Hi,

    I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal. It sounds indescribably painful and difficult and my heart really goes out to you.

    I hope you know that the assault you suffered was in no way, shape or form, your fault and it was not something you could have prevented. That is like saying after someone crashes into your car that you would have prevented the crash by not being on the road.

    While I don’t know anything about your relationship (and please don’t think I am judging) saying that you asked your boyfriend for permission – which he granted – before staying in a friends house seems like a red flag. That he blames you for being abused is a huge one. I would advise you to strongly consider how healthy the relationship is.

    Thinking of you xxx

  • Michelle says:

    This is entirely not your fault, your so called friend made a conscious decision to sexually assault you. He didn’t choose to make a pass at you so that you could respond but waited until you couldn’t respond. All men aren’t sexual predators your boyfriend is wrong in this regard, have you been assaulted by all your male friends? I imagine the answer is no. All relationships including friendship are built on trust yours has been betrayed and once again it’s not your fault. Love and hugs, I hope you find someone to talk to XXX

  • Tony says:

    I’m male – I believe you, and this is not in any way your fault. Your boyfriend however, has issues, and if he cannot see that, and fully support you, you should ask yourself if he is the right person for you.

    In any case, as suggested above, get whatever support you can.

  • Orla says:

    Love,I don’t like the sound of your boyfriend at all. He did blame you, using language like “You should have seen this coming?” Would he have said that if you had been knocked down by a hit and run driver, if your bag was snatched on the street? And the jealousy is a huge red flag. If you end up with him, you won’t be able to call your life your own.
    I would end it, if I were you. There are better men than this out there and it’s actually better to be single than to be in a relationship with a controlling man.

  • Alison says:

    Hi Liqourice, as others have said I believe you and this is not your fault. I do however have concerns about your relationship, as voiced by others. Asking permission to stay at a friend’s house (regardless of their sex/sexuality) is a red flag to me along with your comments that your boyfriend considers every male to be a sexual predator and does not like you having male friends.

    “My boyfriend told me that I was naive to have trusted my friend not to sexually assault me, because “you can’t trust anyone

    If women make comments about how you cannot trust any man not to rape you we’re called man-haters. If men make these comments they are usually control freaks/projecting their own behaviour onto others/judging everyone by their standards.

    Take care and I hope that you get support and help. Rape Crisis offer a phone helpline service as well as one to one counselling. Have you considered contacting your local branch for support?

  • Christine says:

    You are NOT to blame, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

    First of all, get rid of your awful boyfriend. His job, as an equal partner in the relationship, is to have your best interests at heart. He doesn’t, he isn’t supporting you. He isn’t worth *you*: because that is what a relationship is – sharing yourself with someone.

    I have a lot of close male friends, and I stay at their houses, sometimes we share a bed. I have always been very clear with my friends and with my boyfriend that this is a friend thing. My friends have never crossed the friendship line. Sharing a bed is not permission for anything, and they treat me with respect.

    I have, out of respect, always let my boyfriend know (because I tell him about the other parts of my day, and it would be weird not to) but I’m not asking his permission, I’m respecting him as the other half of the relationship.

    YOU have not made any mistakes, YOU have not messed up. These guys have. Tell that ‘friend’ that he is an asshole. Don’t be ashamed of what has happened – get angry about their lack of respect. And please, please get rid of that awful boyfriend.