Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

my boyfriend blames me for my rape (content note)

a couple of weeks ago, i went out with one of my cousins to drink while he smoked. my cousin had msgd me asking me what i was doing and i told him i was not doing anything, but that i had a bottle and if he was down to drink..he told me yes and that he will pick me up shortly.....when he picked me up, it was me & his friend & him in a car. they started smoking and driving.. i did not know where exactly we were going to until we hit a hotel and i asked my cousin what we were doing there, he said he just wanted to chill and smoke/drink and didn't know where else to go + he didn't want to get in trouble with our parents because i was underage for drinking... i didn't take it as anything bad given he's family and we grew up together + i had drank with other family members before...once we got there, i started drinking and he started smoking. the more hits he took, the more shots i took...we were catching up since we hadnt really talked for a year or so....it felt normal to be there with him because i didnt see him as a person who would try to get at me or anything like that...there came a point where i couldn't move as much so i decided to lay down and sleep and i THOUGHT i was okay but i wasn't...i woke up only to find him feeling on me and kissing me and me begging him to stop and that that wasn't right...i don't remember much after that except passing out again and waking up to my pants off and him feeling on me....i was in shock mode. i begged him to stop because i couldn't move!!!!!!! i even told him that he wasn't my bf to do that..i begged him to stop and i couldn't move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just passed out again and the third time i woke up, isaw how he was sticking his fingers inside me and how he put his face on my private area.. i only remember how i couldn't move and how i thought to myself that this was so wrong and i wish i wasn't here i wanted to leave but omg i couldn't i wanted to run but i couldn't move..alll i could do was scream and ask him to stop.....the very morning i woke up to see his pants on the floor and it hurt me so much down there. i wasn't thinking straight. i just wanted to leave so i did... i filled a report and i told my bf about it and ever since i did, he says he doesn't see me the same that i caused this that i am to blame for my rape as well.... that i made myself vulnerable and so much more. he was my first and he feels as tho i have betrayed him... he constantly throws stuff like this in my face..some days we are good and some days all he wants to do is fight with me when all i want is to get over what has happened... i love him and i want to stay with him but i feel as tho we will be done soon...and i might even hate him...

 

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8 thoughts on “my boyfriend blames me for my rape (content note)

  • Admin says:

    Your boyfriend is wrong. You are NOT responsible for being raped. Your cousin committed a crime and all the responsibility lies with him. You did not betray your boyfriend. Your cousin betrayed you.

    You can call rape crisis for support here: 0808 802 9999 or 08088 01 03 02 if you are in Scotland.

    We believe you. x

  • susan says:

    You are in no way responsible for that monsters actions. The three of you were in a position of trust with each other, and he breached that trust in the worst way. I wonder if your boyfriend would feel that way if it was the other male friend that was raped. Or indeed if he takes precautions to not make himself vulnerable if drinking with friends. I very much doubt it. I believe you, and there are some very good helplines run by rape crisis with volunteers trained to listen. They can be a great support. X

  • Alvina says:

    After being raped, the impact of violence for those closest to the victim can be overlooked and undermined because there will be great mixed feelings of emotions from grief- anger, loss, shame, guilt, sorrow, powerlessness..all joy is gone. Its important for you both to communicate feelings to a trusted other who has the good knowledge to support the balancing needed to affirm each other through the tragedy. First he must be willing to listen to the devastating effects this has on your well being. His willingness is crucial to maintaining a good relationship based on good knowledge and information. If he cannot find his will to help and support you, then he must do it alone without you. You can let him go find his own life experience in it. You however, can progress also in recovery in the good things without worrying of his way of dealing and coping with a situation he knows very little about. Given his reaction to your hurting body and psyche, he needs help with his attitude to overcome unrealistic diverting of blame for his seemingly immeasurable loss. The young women, he may have planned his life around for dreams and futuristic plans.His attitude must change to stop perpetuating wrong information about rape victims.

  • elisa hill says:

    Well done to report it, i am so sorry your boyfriend blames you,and maybe you are right that you and him might be done soon, if he really loves you he would support you and never make you feel you did anything wrong, because you didnt. You trusted a family member, and he commited a crime against you.I know with all the bad stuff in the news about the woman Ched Evans raped a lot of people are saying she shouldnt have been so drunk, blaming the victim again, but it takes away from the crime that was commited,He chose to Rape her, and is despicable to do that to someone who couldnt say NO for what ever reason,Your Cousin chose to rape you, He did WRONG, NOT YOU.I hope you have someone to talk to about this,take care of yourself.

  • lynda sherlock says:

    Hi what a brave thing to do and tell us your story on here. Nobody has the right to force you to do anything which is against your will and this person should of stop when you asked them to. Your cousin over step your boundaries and he has no right to do this and not take any responsibility for his behaviour. You have a right to say no and be respected for that no. You shouldn’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s choices and abusive behaviour. I am sorry that your boyfriend has blamed you and behaved in a negative way to you because of what has happened this is not your fault this is, his behaviour. I would try to think about your boyfriend and if this relationship is the right one for you. This relationship seems also not a healthy one because he should be helping you and helping you getting the right support you rightly deserve through this and able to come to terms with what has happened to you. Take care my thoughts are with you. Please call Rape crisis and get the support you so deserve.

  • Lisa says:

    I believe you Maggie. Your boyfriend is wrong. You have done nothing wrong, a crime was committed against you by your cousin. He and only he is to blame for that.

    I hope that you have other people around you who love and support you and I hope you can talk to people about this without feeling judged or blamed in anyway. X

  • Cath says:

    What a horrible thing to have happened to you. I am sorry you are going through this. As other commmentators have said, well done for reporting this. That took a lot of courage.
    None of this is your fault, least of all your boyfriend’s reaction. He would be better advised to reserve his anger for your cousin, who is reponsible for this.
    You don’t have to put up with him (your bf) treating you like this. This is not an ordeal you must ride out together. If he is not supportive and blames you, leaving him might be the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
    If you don’t have anyone you trust to talk to about this, please call Rape Crisis and talk to them about how you are feeling. Don’t suffer on your own, you don’t have to.