my boyfriend blames me for my rape (content note)
a couple of weeks ago, i went out with one of my cousins to drink while he smoked. my cousin had msgd me asking me what i was doing and i told him i was not doing anything, but that i had a bottle and if he was down to drink..he told me yes and that he will pick me up shortly.....when he picked me up, it was me & his friend & him in a car. they started smoking and driving.. i did not know where exactly we were going to until we hit a hotel and i asked my cousin what we were doing there, he said he just wanted to chill and smoke/drink and didn't know where else to go + he didn't want to get in trouble with our parents because i was underage for drinking... i didn't take it as anything bad given he's family and we grew up together + i had drank with other family members before...once we got there, i started drinking and he started smoking. the more hits he took, the more shots i took...we were catching up since we hadnt really talked for a year or so....it felt normal to be there with him because i didnt see him as a person who would try to get at me or anything like that...there came a point where i couldn't move as much so i decided to lay down and sleep and i THOUGHT i was okay but i wasn't...i woke up only to find him feeling on me and kissing me and me begging him to stop and that that wasn't right...i don't remember much after that except passing out again and waking up to my pants off and him feeling on me....i was in shock mode. i begged him to stop because i couldn't move!!!!!!! i even told him that he wasn't my bf to do that..i begged him to stop and i couldn't move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just passed out again and the third time i woke up, isaw how he was sticking his fingers inside me and how he put his face on my private area.. i only remember how i couldn't move and how i thought to myself that this was so wrong and i wish i wasn't here i wanted to leave but omg i couldn't i wanted to run but i couldn't move..alll i could do was scream and ask him to stop.....the very morning i woke up to see his pants on the floor and it hurt me so much down there. i wasn't thinking straight. i just wanted to leave so i did... i filled a report and i told my bf about it and ever since i did, he says he doesn't see me the same that i caused this that i am to blame for my rape as well.... that i made myself vulnerable and so much more. he was my first and he feels as tho i have betrayed him... he constantly throws stuff like this in my face..some days we are good and some days all he wants to do is fight with me when all i want is to get over what has happened... i love him and i want to stay with him but i feel as tho we will be done soon...and i might even hate him...
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