Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Mr. Paul Perfect

Our courts and police agencies enable men to batter women with zero accountability. Atlanta is the worst place to live as a woman. As a state, Georgia does not protect women, but Fulton County is the worst.

I met someone who I thought was my soul mate a couple of years after my divorce. He seemed perfect, Paul. He had a seemingly stable life - good job, friends he had known for many years, took care of his children from his marriage, etc. I ran a credit check and criminal check on him before I allowed him into my life and my son's life. He insisted we would be getting married, although I never actually received a ring. He turned me from a well educated, happy and very confident woman making over six figures a year into an unemployed shell of my former self who lost almost everything.

His slowly building criticisms built up to outright verbal abuse and it escalated over time to physical abuse. Twice. The 2nd time I made the mistake of calling 911 for help because I really thought he was capable of killing me. He was using cocaine behind my back and drinking excessively and would exhibit wild mood swings at times.

I called the police for help and stupidly turned down the ambulance driver who recommended that I allow them to take me to the hospital. I regret this decision to this day and that was 5 years ago. The police officer disappeared with my boyfriend and when he returned began yelling in my face. The next thing I knew we were both being arrested and I was being charged as the "primary aggressor". I called 911 for help because I was beaten savagely by my boyfriend who was angry that I broke a window trying to get back into the house he locked me out of in the middle of the night to "sleep with the dogs".

And I am the primary aggressor in this incident.

Of course this man had worn me down and I had no means to fight him - he obtained a sleazy attorney who scheduled his hearing at the same time as mine so that I would not have an opportunity to testify against him - not that I would have because Paul had all the power.

it is all about having power over another person and / or feeling powerful.

This man tried to keep pulling me back in to use me for two years after this incident - while seeking self-enlightenment so that he could blame it all on me, the crazy ex girlfriend, enabling him to get married and move to my county right around the corner from the house I lost because of him. He has made it obvious for me to see that he believes he has a perfect life now and the past was all my fault. I am still living in it despite many attempts at counseling. It was a trauma from which I don't think I will ever fully recover.

It doesn't matter the circumstances. No man should lay a hand on a woman. Ever. No police officer should ever blame a woman for this and neither should a court. I know in my heart that someday the woman Paul married will also be abused, because Paul abused his first wife and then me. He is just a lot smarter - and financially better off - and money can help a man hide a lot of mistakes. Money is power.

Thank you for your site and your cause.

 

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One thought on “Mr. Paul Perfect

  • Admin says:

    We believe you.

    We’re UK based, but have had some contact with the A Call To Men organisation in the US – Tony Porter told us that the ‘mandatory arrest’ regulations for domestic abuse cases often result in women being arrested, because the police are looking at whoever they believe is ‘in control’ of themselves as not being at fault. This means that when it is ‘manipulative abuser vs upset/angry/distraught woman’, the woman is often seen as the instigator of the incident and is arrested and sometimes charged – with the domestic abuse by the man being ignored completely. This is collusion and must be stopped.

    We are frustrated by what is apparently a world-wide issue of ignorance and institutional disbelief in regards to domestic & sexual violence and abuse.

    As for your final statements – we agree. Paul is likely to continue to be abusive, because he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong; and no-one will stop him. I’m hoping that she is safe.

    We hope you are finding some peace of mind and support to deal with these issues. Many thanks for sharing your experience.