Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse


Date rape is rape

When I told friends that I thought I was raped I was blamed because I dated the guy, was half naked before he raped me and apparently I should just expect that if I get naked with a man he will expect sex. My mother said that if a stranger had forced themselves on me it would have been rape but because he wasn't a stranger it wasn't rape.

My therapist told me that if you get naked with a man you should expect him to expect sex from you and that it wasn't trauma because I liked the man and my body got physical pleasure from it.

Some people didn't believe me because I was confused about whether I had been raped because I had been sexually assaulted many times before and had a warped view of consent.

Ultimately, the man himself admitted he had done something wrong by saying "I'm scared I forced myself on you", and that he was scared he raped me before I corrected him that he had raped me.

I am 20 years old and I was raped on the 22nd of May 2015. I was also victim blamed by almost everyone who spoke to me or people downplayed things and told me to still try and work on improving trust with this man. This is unjust, wrong and unacceptable.


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6 thoughts on “Miss

  • susan says:

    I believe you. lots of society have a very skewed sense of what women should expect to put up with. just because we are women.
    There are people out here who believe you. A lot of rape crisis centres offer a helpline listening service, with a highly trained team. If you want to talk about this, or the abuse throughout your life. We are here for you, a day we will listen . and we believe you. x

    • Catherine says:

      I really appreciate your support. It’s so hard when people don’t believe you or deny what rape is and don’t even seem to understand what constitutes assault and rape. The worst thing i think is where people think of you didn’t verbally say ”no’ then you can’t have been raped when silence doesn’t equate with consent.

  • Hecuba says:

    The therapist is uttering dangerous male created lies by attempting to blame you and deny the fact you suffered trauma as a direct result of this man raping you. My view is this therapist violated what supposedly constitutes real therapy. The male rapist also denied his accountability by claiming ‘I’m scared I forced myself on you.’ You were right to tell him he had raped you.

    However innumerable women believe men’s lies because holding men to account for their sexual violence is a huge no no.

    Irrespective of whether or not a woman removes all her clothes/removes some of her clothes this in itself does not mean male sexual predator has automatic right to rape the woman. These male created lies/excuses are constantly used to exonerate men of any accountability concerning their male sexual behaviour/beliefs.

    I so hope you are able to find supportive women who believe you and don’t ‘buy into men’s lies.’

    • Catherine says:

      I completely agree with you about lies created by men that exonerate men of rape and fortunately I have met a couple of people who do, but most don’t

  • Susie says:

    I’m so sorry this has happened to you, and that we live in a world where so many people are prepared to defend a rapist instead of supporting the victim. But please know that there are many of us who believe you and support you.

    You sound like a strong woman and I am glad you were able to tell him what he had done.

    Sending love and strength your way x

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you so much for your sympathy and for reassuring me people believe me. I do believe I am a strong person