Marital Rape (Content Note)
I have ptsd from this so I can't go into detail, but I endured 15 years of it.
The man was a professional, and would not class himself as a bad person. he felt entitled and I would freeze. He was a bully on every level.
But sometimes it was used as a form of domestic violence in that it was done
as an overt and deliberate attack, with him using the 'r' word for it.
He knew what he was doing.
Our kids didn't know, no-one knew. I'd sit huddled on the stairs, screaming inside. There was the external door at the bottom of the stairs, and because I had children, I couldn't go out of it.
What if I walked to the police station? Would I be able to talk about it? Would they believe me? Would they drive me straight back home? Would I be attacked again for it?
I was now mentally ill from it. I had no faith in myself being able to raise children without him. He was the normal one, the clever one, the capable one. His voice, his presence, his touch made my skin crawl. I was terrified of him.
The last time it happened I decided to kill myself. He said it was my fault for wearing a nightie. I realised then I had reached the point where I had to die to escape because I couldn't take it any more.
Instead I chose to live. Women's aid said my home situation as too dangerous for them to help me. CAB told me my daughter was most important and to give my marriage a chance for her sake and not to leave.
I had no money, no shoes, isolated in a rural cottage, no car. I put on my son's PE shoes and walked an hour along country lanes with my toddler.
I reached the council offices and collapsed. They were amazing. They took statements from me and rescued me and my children.
Not quite ten years later and I am trying to rebuild my life, but my mental health problems persist and I have ptsd.
I'm still single, still in council housing, still on benefits. I'm trying but I keep stumbling. but kids have thrived though for the new start in life.
Violence and arrogance are endemic in the UK. I tried dating a few times, but my ptsd makes it impossible. All the boyfriends were controlling bullies, who believed they were something better than me: cleverer, more capable, just for being male.
One raped me. I wasn't able to sleep with him, and after 3 months he just did it anyway, telling me off afterwards for being immoral for letting him. He'd pinned me down. I had an mental collapse, slowly, over the following year.
I hope one day to recover from all this. Its not happening yet though. maybe I'll find a good man who believes he is my equal. Maybe I'll be able to let him close to me, but I don't really expect that to happen.
I feel horrible after writing that but my ptsd was triggered yesterday anyway when I thought I'd have to meet my ex-husband. I have nightmares about him. So I don't think I can feel more triggered than I do right now.
Both the boyfriend and the ex-husband both held me close and gushed words of love after their attacks. I don't know why but I think that is important in trying to understand their flawed thinking. They knew they had raped me, yet gushed words of love. Did they think I'd believe it? Did they really feel it? Whatever it was, I DID NOT want their love.
We do NOT give permission for posts published as personal experiences to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.