Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Male Violence; it’s really not as bad as you make out…(Content Note)

“I’d love to take you out for a drink. Just one drink. Nothing else. I respect women.

I think I’m falling in love with you. I know it’s only been a week but I feel as though I’ve met my soul mate. Do you feel like as well? I hope you do. I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t. You do? That’s amazing! We were meant to be together.

Will you move in with me? I know it feels soon but it feels right. Doesn’t it? Doesn’t it feel right to you? I know that your family and friends might not like it but who cares? We know how we feel about each other. Right?

We don’t need anyone else do we? As long as we’ve got each other, that’s all that matters.

Oh tell them to mind their own business. They’ve clearly never been in love like we are. I feel sorry for them Don’t you? Don’t bother going round. You don’t have to see them anyway. If they don’t approve, well fuck em.

Where are you going? To meet your friends? Oh. No, it’s fine. It’s just. I was going to surprise you by taking you out tonight that’s all. But no, you should see your friends. Don’t worry about it. No. You mustn’t cancel them, you haven’t seen them for ages. Well, I didn’t tell you because it was a surprise. Really? Are you sure? Oh that’s great. No, I’m sure they won’t mind and if they do? Well, they don’t understand do they?

Where have you been? You’re late home. Right. No you didn’t tell me you were going for a drink after work. I’d have remembered. Well, you must have forgotten. I’ve been waiting for you that’s all. I worry when you’re not with me. It’s because I love you so much.

Oh don’t go to work. You don’t need to. I earn enough to keep both of us. It would be great to come home to you every night. You don’t enjoy it that much anyway do you? Maybe you could just take some time out, see what you want to do?

Can you make sure you tidy up abit tomorrow? You don’t have that much to do and I’d prefer a more tidy house to come back to. Just clean up abit better. There’s smears on the window.

I thought I asked you to clean up? What have you been doing all day? I go out to work, and pay for everything, The least you can do is make sure I’ve got a nice house to come back to.

What do you need money for? Don’t I give you enough? You don’t need a mobile, who would you ring? I’ve got one, I’m not paying for two and you’re not bringing any money in.

What do you want a job for? What would you do? I don’t want to be mean but you don’t really have many skills do you? Who would employ you? You’re better staying at home and let me go out to work. There’s plenty for you to do here.

Who’s been round? There’s two mugs on the side. Has someone been round? Oh her. What did she want? Don’t think you’re starting that. Going out with your mates who are all single and on the pull. No chance. You wouldn’t want to anyway would you? Why would you want to go out with them when you can stay in with me? You don’t need anyone else.

Oh god. Shut up. I’ve just walked in from work and you’re starting. I’m tired and I don’t need you going on about boring crap. Just give me my dinner and shut up. The last thing I need is you starting on about going out. You know I’m not happy about you going out with them. I’ve seen them. I know what they’re like. All over men, pissed up. I don’t want men looking at you, thinking you’re like them.

I SAID NO

It was just a slap, just a shove.
Don’t get upset. I didn’t mean it, I was angry, you wind me up. You know you wind me up so what do you expect?
Stop crying. Stop making a fuss. You always have to make it a drama.
It wasn’t that hard. And don’t go running to your friends about it. No ones interested in you. Why do you think they haven’t been in touch? You’re boring and you’ve got nothing to say. Your friends are glad to get rid of you.

For gods sake, shut the fuck up. Stop going on at me, Jesus you drive me to it. I’m entitled to do what the fuck I want. I said I wouldn’t be home early. I said I was going to the pub. If you don’t shut up then I’ll make you. You’ll be sorry then. Look at me when I’m talking to you. Stand still. Stop crying. You’re pathetic.

I warned you. I told you what would happen if you carried on but you didn’t listen. Now look what’s happened. You did this. You drove me to this. This is your fault. You made me lose my temper and now look. I’ve never done this with anyone else. It’s you. You push me to it.

Look, it won’t happen again. It’s not who I am. Why don’t we both try harder? I am sorry, you know I am. But you need to try harder not to wind me up.

Take that fucking crap off your face. Why are you dressed like a slag? Do you want men all over you? I’m not enough for you now? Fucking bitch, don’t answer me back. You’re a fucking whore, a slag who would sleep with anyone. You’ve got no respect for yourself. Look at you. I’ll show you what happens to women who’ve got no respect. Come here. Come fucking here…

Answer me when I fucking speak to you. Don’t just sit there. Ignorant cow. Don’t think you’ll get any better than me. I’m the only man who would put up with you. You used to be fun and now look at you. Boring, nothing to say for yourself.
What did you say? You think you can leave me? You think you can just pack a bag and leave? Oh I don’t think so..

Get up off the floor. GET UP… Stop messing about. This isn’t a joke. Get up. It wasn’t that fucking hard……”

Violence against women is a spectrum. It ranges from casual sexism, street harassment, to intimate partner abuse and domestic and sexual violence. Whatever has happened to you, whatever a man has done to you; it wasn’t your fault. Coercion and control are insidious. They don’t happen overnight and we often can’t see what’s happening until it’s too late.

If you need to talk then PLEASE, don’t stay silent. There are organisations out there that can help.

Rape Crisis England and Wales

Women’s Aid

Ending Victimisation and Blame

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4 thoughts on “Male Violence; it’s really not as bad as you make out…(Content Note)

  • Aileen Smart says:

    Great piece PC. How many women have heard this before?

  • Tracy says:

    This is spot on & illustrates exactly what goes on. Every woman (& man) should read it. Thanks for taking the time to write it & for reaching out to those who might need it.

  • Michael Weipert says:

    A well thought out and ultimately very graphic descent into hell for the victim of domestic abuse. It is worth reminding people that for some people this is a reality and not a episode of a soap. As always my thanks.

  • Jean Hatchet says:

    I felt – and I have lived – every word of that.

    Thanks for writing. Because not one single part is an exaggeration. I vouch for it all.

    Bless you xxxxx