Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Long time Ago… (content note for rape)

This happened a very long time ago. I was over 19, under 23. I am 40 now. It was a party and our regular crew was there. I had dated one of the crew for 3 years and we had since split up but every time we were around each other we ended up having sex. There was a lot of alcohol involved and one of the guys and my ex almost got into a fist fight. I got in the middle and broke it up and ended up taking my ex downstairs to cool off. We got into the room and I was trying to talk to him, honestly hoping we could have sex because - well I feel like I was just a slut but...being sexually abused at a young age made me feel wanted when someone had sex with me. Anyway - he kept telling me I wanted it and he got really forceful and instead of having sex, he kept trying to sodomize me and I couldn't stop him. I was struggling as he had me bent over the bed, he penetrated and I started crying. Then - my "friends" burst into the room and saw me laughing. They didn't see the tears, they just saw me laughing and they left. Embarrassed and humiliated, I just laughed because... I was being raped by this person but I felt like I totally asked for it. So he finished what he was doing and I don't remember much after that. I just know when I tried to tell my "friend" who had walked in on us, she didn't believe me. She said, "You were laughing and having sex with him." I said, "No, I was crying and he was raping me."

I have never spoken to any of them after that. And always felt like this guy, who went on to have a beautiful family and life, sodomized me and everyone felt like I asked for it because I wanted to have sex with him.

 

 

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