Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Lack of support after assult by friend.

I allowed a close friend and co-worker with whom I had previously had sex to spend the night because a bad storm was forecasted and he lived far away. I knew he had a couple drinks but he drinks often so I didn't think much of it. My boyfriend knew he was staying and nothing seemed like a big deal. I had made clear to him that my boyfriend and I were becoming monogamous and that he and I wouldn't be hooking up anymore. He was fine with that and we had hung out since then. He arrived and we sat at the table and talked before bed. I let him sleep in the bed because he is too tall for the couch. We chatted then went to sleep. I woke up with his body wrapped around me and he was hard. Awkward but I understand that much so I wiggled out carefully and went to sleep on the couch. We both slept for a while but unbeknownst to me he woke up and drank half a bottle of whiskey while I was on the couch. I woke up a bit later and was very cold so I went back to the bed, thinking he must be sound asleep by now. I crawled in carefully on the edge and got under the covers and went to sleep.

It seemed like everything would be fine but I woke up when his arm slid over my side and crushed me into his body. He is much bigger and stronger then I am so I said his name and tapped on his arm but he didn't say anything. I said it louder and he just rolled on top of me pressing my face into the bed. He rubbed himself all over me with one hand pushing my face down. I wiggled but he was too heavy and it was hard to breathe face down. He didn't let my face up until he tried to shove into me but my panties stopped him. He let go of my head to move them and I yelled his name but he didn't hear me just shoved the underwear aside and pushed into me. It hurt. It went on line this until he rolled me over. I clamped my legs shut and smacked his face and said his name. He said mine and I thought he was back but he just stood up unsteadily and fell into the nightstand. I sat up and just as I was about to jump up he grabbed my ankles and dragged me to the side of the bed for more. He fell asleep on top of me and I couldn't roll him off for a while, until he moved in his sleep. But then he woke up and did it again. I

He didn't remember anything in the morning and I had to tell him what happened. He was disgusted and apologized over and over. He said he could never come back to my place and that he would do anything to make it up to me. I could tell he was actually rely wrecked by his actions and that he was really sorry but that only helps so much. I had to get dressed and go to work then.

I didn't want to tell my boyfriend at all. It is my nature to bottole up my problem s and try to prevent them from affecting other people. But I really love him and didn't want to lie so I texted him to come over that night, that I needed to talk to him and didn't want it to be a text. He asked again what happened and I tried calling but he didn't answer. I said fine and texted him a short version of what happened. He said he was shocked and angry and didn't know how to deal with this. He told me I needed to call him or do something! He said he didn't want to talk and that I was starting to be too much for him. That this is why he tells me never trust anyone. He seemed to want me to press charges but I really don't want to go through the ordeal that is and have it on my record and have my whole family know and ruin the guys life completely.

He did t ask me if I was OK. He didn't tell me to leave work or insist on coming over as soon as I was off. I was hurt by his reaction. Then he said 'well if you won't do anything it looks like I will.' And he wouldn't elaborate! I was left wondering if he was calling the police or deciding to break up with me or something else all together. Then he said all he wanted was a decent normal relationship and it was always something else to worry about with me. He finally said he was happy I wasn't hurt but he hadn't asked! I was hurt, first by this former friend and now by him.

This was Thursday night. It is Sunday morning and I still haven't seen him. Now he says he's going on a mini vacation and he'll try to see me before he goes. I think he could be much happier with someone else who might be much less of a disaster than me. I love him but his reaction to this has hurt me. I don't know what will happen now.

 

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6 thoughts on “Lack of support after assult by friend.

  • elisa hill says:

    Dear N, i am so sorry that this has happened to you, i do understand because i too was attacked by a close friend who i really trusted,after i had broken up with him,i didn’t think it was an assault until i spoke to a consellor years later, things were very different in the 1980’s.because every possible thing was done to blame the woman.Mine would come round with other friends, and then not leave when they did, and just expect to have sex, despite me making it very clear i didn’t want to.He was very manipulating.You have been doubly betrayed, because your boyfriend has not helped you in any way, but you do need to talk to someone about this,if not the Police,someone who knows what you have been through.I am sorry to say but your friend knew exactly what he was doing,he is lying.take care of yourself, and please talk to someone.

  • anonymous says:

    I can give you a personal experience but will it be totally anonymous?

  • Kathryn says:

    Hi,

    What this male friend did to you was rape. And there’s no ‘right’ way to respond to that – so whether you choose to go to the police, or not, don’t feel bad or blame yourself. I can see why your boyfriend’s behaviour is hurtful: you confided in him and he’s thinking about himself, not about you, his girlfriend and the victim of a crime. This must be really upsetting to you, and it’ll be difficult to get past this.

    I’ve been sexually assaulted twice and neither time went to the police about it. I just couldn’t face the trauma of the whole experience. If that’s how you feel too, that’s fine, but I urge you not to let the idea of “ruining the guy’s life” be a factor in your decision. It’s not a crime to let a trusted friend stay in your home. It is, however, a crime to have sex with a woman without her consent. Any consequences to this act are the responsibility of this ‘friend’, and his alone. It’s very likely he’ll feel scared/guilty and try to make it up to you. My advice is: don’t trust him, or allow him in your home again. He has violated your trust in the worst way.

    The fact that this rapist is a co-worker concerns me. Does your work have any kind of confidential advice service, or an HR person you could talk to? You shouldn’t have to work with him after this. I think you really need to confide in someone professional about this situation.

    I wish I could make this better for you. Whatever you do, I think it’s really important to put yourself, your needs first right now. Take care and be well.

    Kathryn

  • N says:

    This is my post. Thank you both for the helpful comments. I’ve talked to my boyfriend and he’s very apologetic I understand that rape is also hard for significant others. I had dealt with this before but it was new to him. He came to comfort me and told me it was whatever I wanted to do. Thank you for sharing back!

  • lynda says:

    Hi N ,I am so sorry this has happened to you this is never your fault and it is always the perpetrators who’s at fault here. You should never had been put in that situation and i’m so sorry that this gentleman as treated you this way the lady above is right you been sexually assaulted as is not your fault. I’m sorry too that your boyfriend as not been supported and cut you of like this. This is his problem not yours and this also has caused you so much emotional pain and given you more trauma than already you have suffered from. I hope that you might be able to get some help and support from a rape and crisis center or some counselling to talk out what happened to you that night and the aftermath with your relationship and your boyfriends reaction to what happened. Their will be so many emotions thoughts going around your head and also please don’t be hard on yourself it’s never the person’s fault when they are been used in this way. Don’t forget how brave courageous and strong wonderful woman you are even to write on this website can be hard and bring up so much. Please remember their are people out their who can help and support you in many ways especially talking it over with someone. Most of the time the perpetrator blames you for the abuse i know i have been where you are now it’s not your fault never ever think it is because that’s what they do they blame you and never take responsibility for their behavior. I do hope you get support and help and that things will slowly get easier for you and life gets better. I send my love hugs and my strength don;t give up your amazing beautiful women keep safe take care Lynda