It’s been 10 years and it still haunts me (content note for rape)
I was 18 or 19 when it happened. I had been with my (then) boyfriend for 2 years already when he wanted to try anal. I hesitated, because I wasn't too intrigued by the idea, but I agreed nonetheless.
I was in so much pain and discomfort that I asked him to stop multiple times. He did not.
Afterwards he asked, whether it really hat been _that_ painful because it had been amazing for him. I felt horrible - unseen, dirty and violated. He did it multiple times after that (different occasions of course). I always said that I was in pain but he never stopped, said he enjoyed it so much.
We never talked about it - I didn' even realize what he was doing to me. It took me a good 5 years to realize that I had been raped and I still haven't fully processed it.
I am now 28 and I am still hung up on the fact that he did this to me, that I let it happen, that I couldn't make him stop.
I have been in other relationships since then and I can truly enjoy sex but the fear that it might happen again is still there.
I trusted him and he betrayed me.. I don't know how to overcome this
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