Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

It’s been 10 years and it still haunts me (content note for rape)

I was 18 or 19 when it happened. I had been with my (then) boyfriend for 2 years already when he wanted to try anal. I hesitated, because I wasn't too intrigued by the idea, but I agreed nonetheless.

I was in so much pain and discomfort that I asked him to stop multiple times. He did not.

Afterwards he asked, whether it really hat been _that_ painful because it had been amazing for him. I felt horrible - unseen, dirty and violated. He did it multiple times after that (different occasions of course). I always said that I was in pain but he never stopped, said he enjoyed it so much.

We never talked about it - I didn' even realize what he was doing to me. It took me a good 5 years to realize that I had been raped and I still haven't fully processed it.

I am now 28 and I am still hung up on the fact that he did this to me, that I let it happen, that I couldn't make him stop.

I have been in other relationships since then and I can truly enjoy sex but the fear that it might happen again is still there.

I trusted him and he betrayed me.. I don't know how to overcome this :(

 

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3 thoughts on “It’s been 10 years and it still haunts me (content note for rape)

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We believe you. x

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • Katie says:

    This happened to me as well with my ex boyfriend when I was a similar age. I was with him 3 years. Started off with vaginal rape, oral rape and then anal rape, even though I told him I would never do that. I didn’t know it was rape for years, until it happened again with other people. I am sorry that happened to you too. Reading about others’ experiences helps. You aren’t alone x

  • lynda says:

    Hi Angie thanks for sharing your story just wanted to say its never the victims fault for other peoples violation of their body. When someone say’s no to their boyfriend, girlfriend no means no when pressured into any kind of sexual act. Even anal abuse and if the victim has been coerced and said no the perpetrator must respect your wishes. Even if your married to that person and he does sexual things and you say no they must respect you as a person and respect your personal space and boundaries. I wonder if it’s time for you to speak about that part of life and how that person has made you feel and the fear that a new partner could make you do the same things in your sexual relationship. Their are organisations in your area that might be able to give you counselling and talk through your thoughts and feelings. Thanks again for sharing my hugs my love I send you take care keep safe Lynda