Its all so messy and a long time ago
Growing up in the late 70’s early 80’s had one really big advantage – great music! Disco, punk, new wave, reggae, northern soul, you name it, it was all happening and as a young person I was soaking up everything.
I lived for Friday night disco’s in the local village hall and live gigs in the town. I suppose what came with the intoxication of music and dance was boys and men, I loved them too, and that was where the trouble began. I have listed some of the instances that happened to me as I was growing up and have spent most of my adult life trying to work out what the hell went wrong and was it my fault? But no it wasn’t.
12 years old – Sisters new husband comes to our family home and while I was alone with him he starts molesting me, saying he wants me to lose my virginity with him!
13 years old – held down and threatened with broken glass at my throat and made to suck a boy’s cock then fucked at a disused skate board park, boy gets up and walks away casually like he had done nothing wrong, like I deserved it.
14 years old – groomed by a DJ in a London club over a period of months – meet him on a secret first date, he took me to his house, fucked me so horribly and left me bleeding - I wanted to go to hospital but was too scared that my parents would find out.
14 years old - sisters husband try’s to have sex with me again – I fight him off and don’t say anything because my sister loves him.
15 years old – starting going out with a man who is 12 years older, I thought I loved him, I got used sexually by him and his friends for several years – they made it seem normal.
19 years old - went on a first date with a taxi driver in London, he seemed nice, he took me to his house for dinner, drugged my drink and raped me and then dropped me back to work the next day like nothing had happened.
20 years old – went out dancing at Heaven, got a bit drunk, got picked up by a guy who then took me to the arches and raped me and from him I got herpes.
I went in to therapy at this point and did one to one counselling and then one year’s group therapy.
Throughout my 20’s I travelled the world as a long haul stewardess, sexism and inappropriate behaviour was normal and encountered all the time. I never got molested or raped again, but I was always on my guard.
At 25 I gave birth to my son and started my journey of mending my broken self- esteem.
Despite men’s behaviour towards me in the past I am a powerful 48 year old woman, I have a great life and friendships, a loving marriage and amazingly my sex life is not messed up – hooray! But I do sometimes wonder who I would have become if men had not abused me.
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