Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Is my husband right to blame me?

Last week, my husband said he will go out to have "boys night out" with his friends, and I said okay and asked his permission whether it's OK for me to have my girls night out with my friends, and he said clearly "OK, its up to you". FYI, the girls I was going out with were also his friends, and I have never been out with any friends for 5 years (that's the duration of my relationship with my husband).

Anyway, when the day came for him to have the boys night out, he suddenly told me they had cancelled it and asking me in which club I will go with my girlfriends. I asked him to join me, but he refused. He said he didn't want to disturb my night out but I kept on insisted him to join and he kept on refusing.

So I said to him, I don't want to go out anymore, but he said just go, since I have made the arrangements already, and so I asked him for one last time, is it really OK for me to go? and he said he is okay with it.

So on Saturday night I went out with my girlfriends to the club, we had a few drinks and I danced with the girls. There were numbers of men try to approach me but I nicely declined by saying sorry, I'm married..

After the night out, while I was on the way home, my husband suddenly called me and asked me "So in which hotel do you stay?" I said I'm on the way home. and he abruptly cut me off.

And then when I reached home, we had a huge fight. He said his friend told him I have been hugging and dancing with other guys, and I told him there's no such thing. I didn't do it. I even asked him to ask our girlfriends, and when he did ask and they said there's no such thing, he refused to believe them and said I might make a pact with the girls to cover for me. WTH. To make things worse he said he want to divorce me and take custody of our daughter.

I have tried really hard to make some senses out of him and keep telling him I am innocent. He said, I might be innocent but what he really mad about was that I went out that night. He said if I didn't go out at the first place this things will not happen. I told him, I went out with his permission, and he is the one keep on insisting I go through with the plan. He said I should have known better, and he said he won't say no to me, so he will always give a permission so it's up to me to make the right one.. WTF. I said to him I'm not a mind reader so I can't know for sure what he really wanted unless he tell me straight..

Then he goes on and on about the probability. He said that the probability I will fuck with other guys in the club is 80% so I should know better. and I told him how on earth I can he say that? The arguments goes on and on again. He said maybe I didn't do such thing but I have hurt him so much by went there.. I mean. really? Is it really my fault?

Fyi, when he went out with his friends to the club I didn't make such a big fuss about it. He even has a girls number in his phone whenever he come back from the club and whenever I confront him about it, he said they are just the girls selling drinks in the club. He even went out to the club while I was admitted to the hospital during my pregnancy.

Now suddenly, he blamed me for everything. He threatened me by saying that he will hurt me so badly because I have hurt him so much. I keep on defending myself saying please believe me I have never betrayed him and never will.. He keep on saying this all is my mistake.. I'm the one who went out at the first place, and I have to bear the consequences.

Now I feel that's much more to this.. I don't really think its about me anymore. maybes he know this is the only opportunity he will get from me, and he try very hard to use it. I know deep down he knew I'm innocent..

now I am really confused because whatever I said to him or how hard I was to try to persuade him, I have even begged him to listen to me.. but he keep on refusing.. I don't know what to do anymore.

Please help me..

 

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19 thoughts on “Is my husband right to blame me?

  • Jean Hatchet says:

    Firstly. Huge hug of support.

    Secondly, you have DONE NOTHING WRONG!

    Your husband is seeking power over you and to control you. There is nothing you could have done differently to change this. He is an emotional abuser. He is in all likelihood enjoying seeing you in pain and confusion.

    In his eyes you are his property and he must ensure that you are controlled by him.

    Don’t let him confuse you. He is bullying you. You have the right as an individual to go where you please and see who you wish to see. You have the right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be believed when you say something.

    One thing you need to know, he is fully aware of what he is doing and he is fully aware that you have done nothing wrong. He set you up so that he can bully and control you.

    I am sorry to say this but the probability is that this will happen again and may get worse. You should seek some advice. I was in the same situation and called Women’s Aid. They can really help even if you just want to talk and discuss your feelings about how he is treating you. Take your time. Do what is right for you. But call them – it was the best thing I ever did.

    Importantly, trust yourself. You know that you have done nothing wrong. Don’t let him make you feel you have.

    All my very best wishes. JH.

  • MayLeng says:

    IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
    As you say, your husband (repeatedly) said he was fine with you going out with the girls, so why his change of attitude now? Of course dancing doesn’t automatically lead to unfaithfulness! (and if hubby thinks so he must be judging you by his own behaviour when he’s out…)
    It sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to pick a fight; I’d be tempted to say let him have a divorce if he wants one, as he doesn’t sound worth fighting for (and it would be VERY unlikely for custody to awarded to dad rather than to mum, or shared between both).
    More calmly, if either or both of you want support either with restoring the relationship or with negotiating a civilised separation , it may be a good idea to contact Relate (who can see you both or singly) or perhaps a faith leader? (I write this as someone who received a lot of support from my priest & the church when my ex-husband turned violent & the marriage broke down)
    Sorry re long post; will be thinking of you & praying for you. Love, ML

  • Rusty Cage says:

    Firstly – *hugs*. I’m sorry to hear of your problems.

    Secondly – you’re in the right here. Totally.

    He sounds like he’s speaking with a guilty conscious. Why would he assume someone’s likely to cheat in a club?

    He is also holding you to a different standard than to himself. Why is it ok for him to collect women’s numbers (doesn’t make it any better if they work there) but wrong for you to theoretically dance with a guy? Why is it ok for him to go out, but not you?

    He is being controlling and possessive.

    If children are in rhe relationship I’d imagine it’s harder that to simply leave. Ask him if he would be willing to to go to relationship counselling? Gauge his reaction as to whether he actually wants to help the relationship.

    If not, I would recommend seeking advice from a women’s charity. While you’re strong and not too worn down by controlling and unreasonable behaviour.

    I wish you the best of luck for the future!

  • I think your husband was looking for an excuse to pick a fight. He sounds like he is quite controlling and has double standards. I hope you find someone who can help support you emotionally whilst you decide what to do.

    There is a book which somebody gave me called “Men who Hate Women and the Women who Love Them” (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Hate-Women-Love-Them/dp/0553381415). I found it useful, even though I had only been on the edges of finding myself with a controlling man because he started to lose interest in me.

    Your husband is wrong to blame you. That is very clear indeed to me, as it is to the other people who have commented.

  • H Allison says:

    You are not to blame. Your husband set this situation up on purpose as a means to control you. That you haven’t been out with friends in the five years you’ve been with your husband is very telling. That he would suddenly cancel his plans but insist you go out is also very telling. He is being manipulative and he is purposefully accusing you of things you didn’t do in order to control how you react.

    I truly hope you can find someone to help you with this, someone local that believes you and will support you. Family, friends, counselors? You most definitely need support.

    I wish you all the best. It’s not easy to deal with such manipulation. I know from first hand experience. I truly hope you can work through this and make it out with your daughter at your side.

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us – and we hope you have found the comments above useful.

    Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognise, because we want to think the best of people, especially those we love. It can be difficult to acknowledge that their behaviour is abusive and harmful.

    This link contains lots of advice about different forms of domestic abuse, including emotional abuse, and lists some national helpline numbers. It is a US site. We list UK support services on our ‘Get Support’ page.

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

    We believe you.

  • Feminist Borgia says:

    Firstly, nothing in this situation is your fault. At all. He sounds exactly like my ex: controlling and emotionally abusive.

    You are allowed to have friends. You are allowed to go out with friends. You should not have to ask permission. You should be able to rely on your partner to trust you, not threaten you and demean you.

    This is abuse. I hope you can find someone else to talk to and support you. We believe you.

  • Fat Woman says:

    You are not to blame here.
    Please, call Women’s Aid. Get some help. No one should act like that in a relationship, let alone someone who is meant to love you more than anyone else in the world.

  • Amanda says:

    This is not your fault. He is being emotionally abusive and gaslighting you. If you aren’t ready to leave him then please seek some sort of therapist to help you see this man for what he truly is and to understand the tactics he is using to control you. You deserve so much better. Be safe.

  • Adam says:

    Hi

    Just to say…I agree with all of the previous comments and suggestions. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

    Also…you used the pseudonym ‘nobody’. You’re not nobody, you are somebody. You are a person, a human being, and you deserve to be treated better than this.

    With love

    Adam

  • Nat says:

    You have done nothing wrong. Cheaters ALWAYS assume their partners are cheating because they judge everyone by their twisted standards.

    Your husband is deliberately giving you conflicting messages to undermine your confidence & control you. My sister-in-law suffered this for YEARS and is now suffering abuse at the hands of her adult son as a result.

    My best friend recently managed to get away from a similar abuser and he still tries to get back into her life.

    I hate to be the one to say this, but you need to get away from this man because he will NEVER release control of you willingly. Your daughter will grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and will allow herself to be abused in a similar way. If you need a bit of inspiration, listen to Miss Dynamite Put Him Out. It’s a great song telling a woman to leave her abuser.

    These kind of men never change, they only pretend for a little while to trick you into trusting them again. They almost ALWAYS end up turning violent because you can never completely convince them that you are faithful/obedient.

  • Eliza says:

    I am really sorry to hear about this. I would like to reiterate what others have said and state categorically that this is not your fault and you are not to blame for your husband’s behaviour.

    There are several red flags in your post which indicate that your husband’s behaviour is emotionally abusive. Firstly, you say that you haven’t been out for 5 years. Secondly, that you had to ask your husband’s permission to go out. Thirdly, that he checked up on you and accused you of adultery. Fourthly, that he is now threatening you with divorce. These are all hallmarks of emotionally abusive behaviour which is very difficult to recognise as it is often done under the guise of concern for the partner’s wellbeing and safety. Also, we are only taught to recognise physical violence as a sign of abusive behaviour.

    I would just add one note of caution, organisations who specialise in intimate partner violence and abuse would not recommend any sort of mediation or couples counselling.

    There is help and support available to you when you are ready to access it. This site has a list of organisations whom you can approach to discuss your feelings and explore options.

    Sending lots of support your way. You are not alone in what you are going through.

  • Ali Wilkin says:

    You are not to blame.

    My ex-husband behaved very similarly – making it difficult for me to go out, questioning me with increasing intensity about if I had been faithful, eventually accusing me of affairs and threatening to take our children away from me.

    And the more I pleaded, the more I tried to reason, the worse he got. He became increasingly emotionally abusive and controlling.

    He was the one who was having affairs.

    You are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And you really can trust your instincts. I know that can be hard, in the fog and burden of what he is trying to lay on you. But you can.

    And you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love to you.

  • H Buchanan says:

    Firstly, can I just say how glad I am that you reached out here for support. I know that it can’t have been an easy things to do so well done.

    He is showing as the others have said, showing the classic signs of emotionally abusive behaviour. There is no logic to emotional abuse. For example, why is it OK for him to go on his boys night out and not be subject to the same interrogation?

    His stuff about probability is pure froth. If anything he is judging you by low standards at one level, and at the same time very high standards that it would be impossible for anyone to live up to.

    His technique of blackmail with your daughter as the pawn is vile also, as he is using someone you love and equating non-compliance with his controlling ways with the possibility of losing someone you love.

    As the others have said, go to Women’s Aid and get help. You do not deserve this vile abuse and have done nothing to provoke it.

    As Adam says above, you are someone and you deserve to live a life which is whole, rich and fulfilling and most importantly free of abuse.

    I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world.

    Love.
    HB

  • @LizJ73 says:

    He is abusing you. He is gaslighting and projecting. Its projection because its highly likely he has been doing EXACTLY what he is accusing you of. You have done nothing wrong. You are a person not his possesion. Please give Womens Aid a call. x

  • nobody says:

    First of all, thanks for all the supports. You all have no idea how much it meant to me. Last week i have talked to my husband, we discussed about divorce as well. I told him since he don’t want to trust me, and treat me coldly everyday, i can’t leave with him anymore like this. But I want to divorce in a good term since we both have a daughter together.

    He just keep quit, and suddenly he said he knew all along that it was his fault to blame me, but he can’t shake the feeling of being hurt by my action to go out that night. I said to him he has said the meanest things to me during our fight but i don’t receive a single apology from him.

    I have forgot to mention he did said i am a slut.. and his ex-wives are better than me. That his ex-wives have never hurt his feeling like I did. I told him even though he was angry but it’s not an excuse to name calling me and said those hurtful things about me.

    Right now, I don’t know anymore whether divorce or stay married is the best option. I don’t want to be selfish by leaving and take the right from my daughter to be raised by both parent.

    My family are okay with any of my choices. They are furious with my husband, but at the same time they asked me to think for what the best for me and my daughter. Right now, I can’t really decide. I mean to think back on those hurtful words….. my heart still hurt by it.

    Thank you again from all the supports. At least I know I’m not alone in this situation.

    • Eliza says:

      Dear nobody

      It’s really good that you have the support of your family. It’s sounds like you’re confused, which is totally understandable. Sometimes talking things through can really help navigate your way through all these conflicting emotions.

      You may also receive conflicting advice which is why it may help you to speak to Women’s Aid if you want to. They are a confidential non-judgemental specialist service.

      Sending you lots of support.

    • Dianne says:

      Dear Nobody,
      Regardless of what your family says, do you want your daughter to grow up with a man who treats you so badly. Do you want her to grow up believing that this controlling, manipulative behaviour is normal for men. Do you want her to be attracted to men like this and be in an abusive relationship herself. For you sake and for her sake, believe in yourself and get help to get out now.
      Big supportive hugs from one who was in the same sort of relationship and did get out before her children were badly affected. xxxx

  • Laura says:

    Please, please, leave this man. I have watched a close friend live through a similar relationship and NOONE deserves to be treated like this. Her husband tries to make her stay by claiming that he is ill, that he has cancer, that he could die at any moment so that she feels she must stay with him. He rules every aspect of her life. You are clearly not the first woman your husband has mistreated, you say he has been married multiple times before, he will not change, he has already been divorced more than once and still carries on behaving like this. Get good advice and get away from him.