Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

is it assault? my boyfriend is blaming me for “being weak”.

I really need some help with this.
It happened this weekend.

My friend, Dominic, was going to go to a mutual friend's party and I agreed to go. The party was close to my boyfriend's house (About a 15 minute drive) and the boyfriend agreed to drive me there , so I wouldn't bus it.

I didn't think of inviting my boyfriend for two reasons. One, he was going to wake up early to go on a roadtrip for a family event. Two, he hates going to parties with me, has never ever gone to one with me, nor even bothers to meet my friends or go to family events...nothing. We've had fights over this, so I have learned to not even ask him to go out with me anymore at this point. WHich I hate, because parties sometimes mean rapey men! And I attract them like flies to honey.

So he drops me off, and i go. I knew ahead of time that Dominic and I's friend, Nathaniel, was also going.

Nathaniel and I have known each other for a very long time, about 14 years. He was my first when I was 21 and basically my highschool crush. Soon after our first time, Nathaniel thinks I'm someone he can go to when he's feeling shitty (despite having a girlfriend!!! Of course, I'm dumb for being "that woman").

During the party, Nathaniel briefly kissed me on the lips when I just wanted to hug him from not seeing him for a long time.
Then Dominic tells me "Hey, if you're coming back with us, you're sharing a bed with N. Is that okay?"
I tell him I've been in situations like that before , whatever. college. Then Dominic says: "Well, just don't make any noise you two. It's my parent's house."

YET NATHANIEL SWEARS THAT DOMINIC NEVER KNEW ABOUT OUR PAST! So this is raising red flags already.

WE go back to Dominic's place. And yeah, I have to share the guest room with Nathaniel. No biggie.
yet immediatly after I'm changing into something more comfortable to sleep in, N asks if we are going to fool around. Look, we were very drunk and I have been in these situations before where I just feel pressured and afraid to say "No".
I figured by "fooling around" he meant oral, and i thought "yeah no harm in that. it'll be over in five minutes."

So I said i was okay with it, but fooling around turned into intercourse. Which we did not talk about or agree to. But at this point, I went along because dude was aroused and I know what happens when you don't finish off a guy..and I did not want to be in that situation (I have experienced threats of violence and violence).

Next morning, I go home feeling very very empty, sad, and overall angry at Nathaniel. Yet he did ask for my consent, two times, and I did say both , so it's my fault right?

i wasn't going to tell my boyfriend, who i love so much (He's the first guy to actually like me for me and not use me), but I did.

And now the boyfriend keeps asking me why I was stupid enough to go, why was I so weak to let this happen, why didn't I think of him and I? Why didn't I ask him for a ride (I figured he would have refused as he gets lazy about that and uses his laziness as an excuse. i hate confrontation, so i let him get his way about that).

So my boyfriend thinks it's my fault. That yeah, Nathaniel probably shouldn't have done that, but why did I even let myself go back with these two guys?

(They are my friends...or I thought they were).

I did block Nathaniel and Dominic from all social media. I did tell Nathaniel that I told my boyfriend.

yet Nathaniel did send me some very troubling messages, saying "This isn't going to be a bigger problem for both of us, is it? " and "You aren't going to do anything that will ruin both our lives, will you?" and basically wanting me to keep hush hush about it.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just want to kill myself...or harm myself. I have had struggles with suicide ideation and self harm in the past, being only about 80 days free of self harm episodes.
I really don't want to go back into a suicidal hole.
But the fact that my boyfriend is so dissapointed in me, hates me probably and thinks I'm weak....that hurts more than being used.

Was this sexual assualt? I'm so confused.
Please help me.
I don'tw ant to do anything stupid.

 

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One thought on “is it assault? my boyfriend is blaming me for “being weak”.

  • Katie says:

    Hi Sam
    Firstly please don’t blame yourself for this. Whatever happened that night it wasn’t your fault. As you said you have experienced violence in the past and went along with it to avoid that happening again. The fear of violence is very strong in women in general and if you have had past experience of it, even higher. I have been in similar situations to you. From what you have said the situation was at the very least coercive, or rape. You cannot consent if you are drunk. As women we are conditioned to go along with things to avoid them escalating and from what you have described above this is not an occasion where you really wanted to have sex and happily consented. Therefore it is not okay. You are a magnet for these men because you are vulnerable and not because it’s your fault. Well done for being 80 days free of self harm. I hope you can continue this because you do not deserve to be hurt like this ever. I can identify with a lot of what you have said and experienced a lot of it myself. You can get stronger and value yourself more than this. Look after yourself and I hope you get some understanding from your boyfriend.