Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I’m not sure how to cope (content note)

I came across this website looking for ways to cope and I figured I’d share here. It’s much easier for me to write about this than talk about it out loud. I haven't necessarily been blamed so maybe this isn't the right placed to post but I am in need of getting these feelings out.

About two years ago I went to prom with a guy a few years older than me. We had been talking for about a month and right before I graduated I went to his house. I went there very drunk and I remember initiating having sex with him the first time. I then passed out on the couch for maybe an hour before waking up. I hardly remember the rest, its mostly in fragments but he took me back into his room and pulled my pants off. He went over to close the door and dig through my purse for one of the condoms I had in there. While he did that I curled up onto the bed because I felt so bad from all the alcohol and I just wanted to sleep. He came back over and pulled my legs down off the bed and had sex with me again. I never really told anyone about this because I never thought of it as rape because I didn’t say no or fight back plus it was my fault for going there drunk in the first place.

After this happened, I graduated a day later and then 3 days after that I was arrested for shoplifting. I was so upset about him not talking to me anymore and everything that happened that I didn’t care about anything anymore. Throughout the coming years I ended up being very promiscuous and had very many casual sex partners. Even now, I think that if he didn’t do that to me, I would have never gotten arrested or had so much casual sex.

I’m 20 and currently have a boyfriend of 9 months and a few weeks ago I ended up telling him about this experience. He was shocked to say the least and very upset. Not at me, but just at the fact that this happened to me and continues to tell me that I was raped. I never wanted to be a rape victim and I’m still not even comfortable labeling myself as such. He has been supportive of me but I know he is still hurting too. I’m not quite sure how to ease his mind on this and I am afraid he won’t be able to handle it and is going to end up leaving me. I don’t really have anyone else to turn to about this topic, its pretty much just my boyfriend. I guess I feel like I just needed to get this out somewhere. So thank you to anyone who reads this and chooses to respond. Anything would help me right now.

 

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2 thoughts on “I’m not sure how to cope (content note)

  • Jenny says:

    What happened was not your fault. Your boyfriend seems like he is being supportive of you and you said he is still hurting, but how are you feeling? If you are uncomfortable labelling yourself as a rape victim then he should respect this. There is no ‘correct’ way to cope after experiencing what you have had to go through and if you ever feel you need more support or to just get it out again then the ‘get support’ page on this site has a list of organisations where you can do that.

  • Katie says:

    I am so sorry you were raped. Finding it hard to accept or label yourself as a rape victim can be very difficult. Sometimes trying to tell ourselves that it was just sex or ignoring it altogether feels safer than admitting that something awful happened to us. You are not responsible for putting your boyfriend’s mind at ease, all you can do is tell him how you feel and hope he will be supportive in your healing. I am glad that he recognises this as rape and I hope you can talk to him about how you feel and what you are worried about. It’s quite common to engage in casual sex and shoplifting etc after a trauma/rape and it’s good that you can recognize that the two are connected. There are some great books out there about healing from rape e.g. Judith Herman and Matt Atkinson. If you are in the UK Rape Crisis are very helpful. I hope you find the support you need.