Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I was raped and my boyfriend is blaming me

A couple months ago I started drinking after having quit for a while. A couple weeks ago, I went to a party with a couple friends whom I wasn't very close with.

I over drank and blacked out while leaving the party to go into town with some male friends of mine (I am female). All night before memory went blank I was rejecting guys who were creeping on me.

So it was a surprise when I woke up in my bed, beside someone who was not my boyfriend. He told me we had slept together. I asked him to leave my house. Instantly I called my boyfriend and told him to come over. When he did, I told him we had to break up because I woke up beside someone else. He left immediately. We broke up, and then got back together a couple times and now it is completely over.

He doesn't believe that it is out of my control that it happened, and that 'I'm a strong girl who would have stopped that'....I feel like in a way I could have stopped it, but at the same time it's not my fault. I know that. He has trouble believing me because half a year ago I slept with someone else because I believed we were over due to him ignoring me for a little less than a week. In any kind of right mind I would have not let my rape happen....

I just need support. To know that it isn't my fault. And how I can reach my now ex boyfriend on that it was not in my control and it is not my fault?

 

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9 thoughts on “I was raped and my boyfriend is blaming me

  • Siân says:

    It absolutely wasn’t your fault. Your (former) boyfriend should understand that without your having to make him. Please focus on keeping yourself strong and healthy right now. You need to be looking after you. Given time he may realise his mistake and ask for your forgiveness (blaming you may be a common reaction but it is still wrong, and something only you can choose if you’re able to forgive). If he doesn’t you need to be strong enough to know that it still isn’t your fault so please focus on caring for you to make sure you are strong.

  • Jean Hatchet says:

    You are definitely not to blame. I believe you totally.

    Legally you cannot give your consent if you are drunk. It is the man’s responsibility to know this. It is also his responsibility not to rape you. You are not in any way to blame.

    I am so sorry this has happened. Please seek help from your local rape crisis centre. They will also believe you without question.

    Best wishes. JH.

  • Juliet O says:

    Darling- this is NOT your fault. If you found a drunk man and stole all his possessions, is that thieving or did he, ‘let you take them?’ If you found a drunk person and stabbed them, is that murder,not did they commit suicide? You see where I’m going? There was no consent. You didn’t say, ‘I would really like sex’. He just took it from you and that is rape. He took it like a thief, like a criminal. You need to try hard to see it in those terms. Maybe write a letter to your boyfriend spelling it out in that way? And then, darling- if he doesn’t see that or understand then he won’t be good for you because you need to be with people who see that YOU own your body and that is as much your right as not being assaulted or robbed in broad daylight, sober as a judge.
    Lots and lots of love and please remember, you’re not the only one because some men do not think in the terms I’ve described above. That is not our fault. Xxxxxxx

  • Heidi says:

    It absolutely is not your fault. You are free to drink, to talk to men, to flirt whatever. The only person who caused this was your rapist who chose to do this to you and he knows what he did- coverin his tracks immediately by telling you his own narrative so you can feel shame and blame. I’m so sorry that you aren’t believed and it has caused you to split with your boyfriend, I imagine you need all the support from him and it is absolutely not fair that he is not believing you on spurious claims about you being “strong”- there is no such thing as the right victim.

    I believe you.

    Please take care and stop blaming yourself. X

  • Rusty Cage says:

    I’m sending you a hug. I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s awful that you’re not believed by someone you love and trust.

    I hope you stay strong. You’ve done nothing wrong and you deserve nothing but sympathy.

    Wishing you peace.

    #ibelieveyou

  • Feminist Borgia says:

    It is not your fault.
    It is never your fault.
    You are not to blame.
    And we believe you.

  • Jessie says:

    I’m so sorry your boyfriend reacted this way, what you need right now is comfort and understanding – you certainly shouldn’t be blamed and shamed by someone who should care for you! The same happened to me. My then boyfriend blamed me and then ‘forgave’ me. A little later he then did something totally unforgivable and I felt I deserved his punishment because he made me feel so bad about myself. I did not deserve that and you don’t deserve this treatment from your boyfriend! It was not your fault, you have been hurt in the worst way and deserve support and validation. You shouldn’t have to ‘talk him around’ or explain yourself he should be there for you – take gentle care of yourself – you are not to blame and I believe you.

  • Admin says:

    Thank you all for commenting on this piece.

    Chloe – we believe you and know it wasn’t your fault. If you are based in the UK, we have a list of support services who can help you. They will not judge, and they will listen and hear you.

    If you are outside of the UK and want to access some local support, email us with your closest city and we will signpost you to local services. (everydayvictimblaming@gmail.com)

    Sending peaceful thoughts x

  • Alison Boydell says:

    Dear Chloe

    I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you. I would just like to reitetate what others have said; it was absolutely not your fault.

    Unfortunately, your ex-boyfriend’s reaction is not uncommon. Some UK rape crisis centres provide support for partners and families of survivors of rape, sexual abuse and sexual violence for this reason.

    When you feel able to you can also contact your local rape crisis centre for support.

    Thinking of you.