Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

i was raped and my boyfriend blames me

Me and my former friend have been friends for about five years when this happened at the end of last year. We were really close friends actually, we had two other mutual female friends (whom introduced me to him) we always hung out with. He was one of the sweetest guys i thought. WE WERE ALWAYS STRICTLY FRIENDS!! I never gave him any reason to assume we would be more or that i was ever even interested in him like that! I met his girlfriend that he been with for years and she is an absolute sweetie. ..,
There would be times when it was me and one of the girls or both the girls or only me and him.. Usually when we would go out for drinks we usually crashed at whoever house was nearest.

One day I'm on the phone with one of our mutual friends and i tell her that he had gotten me concert tickets to see my favorite singer. I said 'yea he just gave me two tickets out the blue idk why' she says 'oh you know why..' Then we get to talking and she tells me it's bc i had sex with him. I instantly got angry and said i hadn't and got off the phone with her to confront him. I call him fifty times and he texts me that he's at work so i text him back asking why he's telling our friends that I had sex with him. He responds 'you might not remember but we did..' Followed by a huge paragraph that I didn't want to read. I got sick and hysterical never even responding to his text. This happened at the end of 2014 I changed my number and haven't spoken to him since..

Me and my boyfriend were laying around a couple days ago and he's talking about how I don't drink anymore and I told him I never will. He asks why and when i said i really didn't want to talk about it he got offended and accused me of cheating in so many words even though he knows i would never.. After basically bullying me into telling him by moving my head off his lap and telling me he's about to get pissed off, I told him. At first he was hurt for me. That didn't last long. He became mad that I didn't tell him then so he could fight for me. That didn't last long either,, he started telling me this is why i shouldn't be alone or drinking with guy friends period. Why I shouldn't trust anyone. he then asked me if i was telling him the truth. I asked him if he was serious he said yea cause he feel like I'm lying...
He was the first person I confided in because in actuality I did feel like it was my fault for letting myself get intoxicated to the point where i couldn't defend myself or be coherent to stop this from happening. I feel so dirty and violated and so freaking disgusted. I'm hurt that he would even accuse me of lying about something so serious. I'm hurt because he didn't give me one hug or one I'm here for you. He blamed me for something I had no control over. I feel stupid for telling him

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9 thoughts on “i was raped and my boyfriend blames me

  • Helen Mary Jones says:

    This is so sad. Rape is never your fault. Ever. We can wear what we want, and drink what we want. We have the right to be safe. What your ‘friend’ did to you was wrong. It was a crime, and, if you wanted to you could still report it. You weren’t stupid to tell your boyfriend, and I’m so sorry to hear how he reacted. Think about talking to someone professional – maybe Rape Crisis. They will be able to support you in getting through your negative feelings about yourself. Be proud of yourself. You have survived a horrible experience. Take care Helen

  • @Rights&Justice1 says:

    Hi, So sorry you have been through this. Do not blame yourself for what happened, it is the rapists fault. Do not blame yourself for drinking, that is not a crime, raping is.
    It is natural to blame yourself & pple victim blaming is all part of it.
    For time being do what feels right for you, focus on your recovery. Your boy friend needs to understand this as well.
    If in uk try Rape Crisis phone line & poss Counselling.
    Take care

  • Jennafer says:

    First of all, you should congratulate yourself at writing and posting this, and second, for confiding in someone, even though it didn’t turn out the way you wanted. It was very brave of you. Also, your feelings are correct, it was not your fault, and your boyfriend should have supported you. You should be able to drink however much you want with whoever you want. If he can’t understand that, then perhaps you should rethink your relationship with him. Do not feel stupid, it is his misconceptions that are the problem, and not you. Xxx

  • Emer O'Toole says:

    Sending solidarity and love. Your boyfriend’s behaviour is so wrong – he should be there to support and care for you. Your ex-friend is a rapist who deserves to be prosecuted, and it’s disgusting that he went around boasting about having sex with you when he raped you. It’s brave of you to share here, but remember that there are support services available. Maybe think about making an appointment to talk with a professional who will understand what happened and what you’re going through. They might also be able to recommend some literature that you can give to your boyfriend and other people in your life so that they can recognise their behaviour as victim blaming, and start giving you the love and support you so much deserve.

  • Itsmotherswork says:

    I’m not surprised you’re hurt. Two men have harmed you; one by raping you, one by blaming you. In neither case was it your fault. Friends don’t rape their girl-friends when they’re drunk; rapists do. Rapists know that they have easier access to victims when they befriend them and that their victims are less likely to be believed and more likely to be blamed if they have some kind of existing relationship with the rapist. It’s a tactic. Grim but true.
    I can’t say this strongly enough: It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. And you deserve better than a boyfriend who can’t find it in him to say “I believe you” and to give you the hug you need.

  • Erika says:

    I’m so very sorry. As rape survivor myself, I know how important it is to feel believed and supported. We, as in women and girls, are programmed by society to blame ourselves. You are not guilty of anything or stupid for telling your boyfriend. The man who raped you is to blame and the blame stops with him and stays there.
    It was very brave of you to confide in someone, someone who should have comforted you. Please see if there is a Rape Crisis Centre near you as you need professional support.
    Also, it is not up to you to educate your boyfriend. I can imagine his reaction was deeply hurtful. When you are feeling stronger, have a think about whether his is right for you. In the meantime, I send you my solidarity xxx

  • C Curtis-Rose says:

    He is wrong – it’s not your fault, no one deserves what happened to you and that man’s behaviour is his responsibility not yours. If your boyfriend doesn’t support you in this then he’s lucky to be your boyfriend still, not your ex. You didn’t do anything wrong and you deserve to be supported not attacked.

  • zhiv says:

    You’re not stupid for expecting your boyfriend to support you. He’s your boyfriend and he’s supposed to be your rock in times of trouble. He should be angry at this ‘friend’ for hurting you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. This ‘friend’ was supposed to keep you safe and instead he made a conscious decision to attack you.

    Your boyfriend sounds a bit insecure, and he is letting that get in the way of supporting you. I get that you love him and want to stay with him, but if he keeps on blaming you it might be time to start thinking about whether it’s worth staying with him, if he keeps making you feel like what happened is your fault. If he can’t get that you did nothing wrong, that he’s supposed to support you, that he’s supposed to be angry at the person who hurt you, then he needs to have a very long think about whether he deserves you in his life.

    I urge you to talk to someone who can help. Maybe someone in your family, a rape counsellor at a women’s advocacy service, or someone on a rape helpline who can point you to support services.
    Again, keep in mind that you did nothing wrong. You were doing what every human being does– having fun. There is absolutely no excuse or reason for anyone to take advantage of that. I know you’re feeling confused and betrayed, and I think talking with people who are able to help will benefit you.

  • J says:

    I am going through the same thing and I don’t know what to do. I got raped when I blacked out at a going away party. I asked my friend what happened after a certain point and she said she put me on the couch cause I fell asleep…but I woke up in the middle of someone I knew ontop of me……..I told my boyfriend and he believes I cheated on him and calls me vile names everyday because he says he will never trust me again. He does this because I felt distant from the relationship before all of this happened.
    So I understand what you’re going through and it isn’t your fault at all. I just wish they could understand that.
    Best wishes to you