Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I was blamed for his violence

When I was a teenager in the 2000s my mothers' boyfriend lived with us and emotionally abused me for 3 years. One night he tried to physically attack me (his friends had to hold him back). After this I insisted that he leave the house, which happened.

Although it was over, my mother could never hold this man responsible for his actions. She came up with so many reasons why it was my fault or her fault but she had no framework for even considering that he was to blame. I found this enormously stressful and upsetting and our mother-child relationship has never recovered. Victim blaming hurts. Perpetrators must be held accountable.

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One thought on “I was blamed for his violence

  • lynda says:

    hi I am so sorry that you had to go through this. It never ever is the victims fault only the perpetrator and sorry to say your mum was wrong. I feel for you it’s hard when your mother never protected you I know that it’s guilt she feels and is projecting her feelings of failing on you. In her anger and guilt she is blaming herself but mixed up with that is anger at you. I have been In your situation as a parent and as a child the anger that a parent show’s you and hate mixed up with guilt. As a child it was never ever your fault it’s this man he was the one who hurt you. Sometimes as parents we fail to protect our children when things go wrong and we feel anger at ourselves and that anger is turned inwards which is then festered your mum and yourself should have been given individual therapy and therapy just to talk about what happened and your emotional feelings around this sometimes it’s a burden that can be at times heavy to carry around. It can destroy you if the anger the hurt sadness carriers on if the behaviour is toxic from the parent and you as a child keep being blamed and the hurt and sadness you go to, to understand why your mum keeps blaming and hating you in their behaviour. Thank you for sharing on here your strong wonderful never let anyone take that away from you. For me it took years to stop the going back to the toxic relationship with my mum and eventually I cut all contact from her and that was best for me. Where all different and we all decide in are own way to deal with the pain the anger from your own mum. My mum isn’t strong to deal or be honest how she failed me or to protect me or how abusive she was. It hurts me deeply sometimes the pain overtakes me but like you we are warriors strong women to navigate a world we often don’t understand others and how they treat others so toxic. Often people forget women can be sometimes abusive as well and often society sees women as the caregiver the gentler sex but this isn’t always true they can be abusive and sometimes more abusive than men. I send my love hugs to you and strength in solidarity that it and never was your fault domestic violence the women often is entreat with a man who warns her down in such a manipulative way the women can not fight back and fails their child. Again it was never your fault keep strong and good luck my thoughts are with you take care Lynda