Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I Think It Was Rape (content note)

I had recently got in contact with a past friend. This event occurred today, Monday September 19th. The past friend told me to come over. I was, of course, hesitant. But reluctantly I went over to his house. We were in his room, he lied on the bed while I awkwardly sat on his couch. He started playing the movie 'The Forest.' In my mind, I just wanted to watch the movie but he had other intentions. I should've left as soon as he pulled me onto his bed. I told myself the farthest this would go would be kissing. Maybe a little foreplay. Fast forward, he takes off my underwear and automatically tries to have sex. I tell him I'm a virgin but that means nothing to him. I ask if he has a condom, and he goes off searching for one. As I'm laying on his bed, I know i'm mentally not prepared for this, I think I'll just tell him to stop before he even gets close to me. He comes back with a condom, puts it on and tells me to lie on the couch. Im nervous, scared, and close to maybe crying. As he gets on top of me, I tell him that I do not want to go through with this. But he does not listen. He tells me, "I'll go slow," "Shh," "Be quiet." repeatedly as I tell him to get off of me, that he's hurting me, that I don't want to do this. But each time I speak I'm "shh-ed again and again. He holds down my head so I can't make any noise. I'm in so much pain, I just want to cry, "this is all my fault" is all I can think. After what seems like forever he finally gets off of me and stupidly asks, "Do you just want to continue this some other time?" I, being shook, just say sure. When he left the room I quickly got dressed. I felt so disgusted with myself. My hands were shaking. I sat on his couch for a good five minutes then told him I was going to leave. He kissed me, hugged me and walked me out. This happened today September 19th. I'm only 18, and he's 20. I want to tell someone but I know I'll just get blamed for going over there in the first place. No-one will really take my side. I think I was raped and would just want nothing more than to forget this day ever happened.

 

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3 thoughts on “I Think It Was Rape (content note)

  • Nick says:

    Yes. That was rape. You clearly did not consent to sex and you specifically said ‘No’.

    We believe you. Never doubt that.

    Someone more experienced than me on here can direct you to where to turn for possible help but for now please do not blame yourself. None of this is your fault. It was his choice to do what he did.

  • Angie says:

    Dear poster,

    My heart is hurting forgot after reading the story of what so recently happened to you. You are absolutely not to blame for what this so called friend did to you. How could you know what would happen? This man is a disgusting individual and I have no doubt that karma will catch up with him for what he has done. In the mean-time please don’t retreat into a shell. You have been so brave in sharing your story. Don’t stop being brave now. Reach out and get help. You deserve it.

  • lynda says:

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you no should mean no. You have every right to go to this friend and just be safe to watch a film. Yes, this is rape and I’m so sorry that you have to go throughs when you have never had a sexual partner before. I urge you to speak to someone from services like people who are trained in this area to help you talk and process what happened to you.i was wondering if you have spoken to your parents about this situation or a sibling or close friend. It is and never is the victim’s fault it is this young man’s fault he knew you were vulnerable and did not listen to you it’s his fault and his fault alone, not yours. You did everything that was right and he did not listen to you when you said no when we are in a situation that we feel vulnerable and threatened we either fight flight or freeze a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. It is not your shame or to feel guilty this young man had taken advantage of you and the situation you were both in. You have every right to say no and to feel comfortable in any space and to feel safe. I think your brave and courageous telling us your story here it’s no mean feat to express something that is so personal that happened to you well done. I send you big hugs my love it helps to talk out what happened with a rape counsellor and get the support you need. Take care kind regards keep safe Lynda