I said no, but didn’t fight it hard enough (content note)
I was lying in bed cuddling and kissing a male friend with benefits. He started touching me and trying to unbutton my pants and I told him I was in my period when I wasn't because I didn't want to have sex. He said he didn't care and kept going. I said I wasn't in the mood and just wanted to cuddle, but he sushed me and kept going! To this day I can't believe that he actually shushed me! I kept making excuses because I didn't want to have sex. I told him I didn't want to have sex because I hadn't taken my birth control,and he shushed me again. He then flipped me in my stomach and had sex with me anyway. It was awful, but it didn't occur to me until later that I was raped. I haven't told anybody, because my family doesn't know I'm sexually active even thought I'm 21. I also feel really angry at myself. I should have fought harder instead of letting it happen. As horrible and stupid as this sounds, I didn't want to fight him off because I was afraid it would make him feel bad! Or it would make things awkward between us. Now I can't even see a picture of him or hear his name without getting anxious. He's best friends with my cousin so I feel like i can't even go see my cousin without the possiblity of running into him. I'm afraid to tell my cousin too. I think he would kill him. It's so hard holding this in and keeping it from everyone. I feel like my family would blame me for it happening because I was having casual sex.
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