Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I mattered less than other victims

"We cannot have you bringing the police into disrepute." That's what they told me. Senior police.

I don't know where to start my story because there is so much of it, and the detail is much worse and broader than that described here. My post is intentionally scant to protect identities; 'Maya' is not my real name.

I chose a pseudonym rather than being anonymous because I trust this particular organisation and, therefore, may have the courage to write again.

My experiences span many years: physical/sexual/psychological/financial abuse; rapes; sexual assaults; flashing; drugging; stalking. I know society blames me but there is nothing that I can do to stop it because they can physically force me or drug me. I don't need educating on 'the signs' because I am well-qualified in this field, with more than one degree.

Someone in the police raped me. I reported it but the force lied to me and got rid of evidence. They closed ranks and did a cover-up. They are paid to protect me yet brought me harm. They told me I was vindictive and I was then victimised afterwards, by them. I am unable to go to police again about all of the other incidents because of this and their gross betrayal of trust.

I have recently been advised by a top lawyer (in actions against the police) as legal action is something I have considered for an extended period. However, I've been warned to be sure about proceeding as the police may well victimise me again, especially as they have done so in the past. They will also blame me and say I am vindictive. The lawyer doesn't want to put me off taking legal action but, of course, litigation is very stressful and they are concerned that I am on my own and will have no recourse to the police, whatever they do. If it reaches court, they also cannot guarantee my anonymity should a journalist take an interest in the case.

I am not a vindictive woman; in fact, the complete opposite. I have great compassion for others, even offenders, and do not want to cause suffering. The trouble is that a few weeks ago, I found it really, really hard not to hang myself or stab myself in the heart with a knife. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD due to the volume of trauma.

I want the police force to be held accountable for what they have done. I am alone though. And scared. I am scared of being blamed when the only thing I did wrong was being born a woman. No law will protect me from male violence because I have no value. I have suffered all these crimes because I am not valued or treated equally to men. It is the same the world over.

The lawyer is still waiting for my decision. What would you do?

Love, Maya x

PS. Please don't worry about me. I am knowledgeable, currently safe and do not need signposting to services.


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6 thoughts on “I mattered less than other victims

  • Hairbear says:

    I believe you. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, I don’t have an answer or advice as to what to do in your situation, but I stand with you whatever you decide.

  • Kate Middleton says:

    I would try to find allies and try to ensure that as many people know what is going on as possible and take up the lawyers offer.

    I am personally trapped in a domestic violence situation at the age of 48 and being continually harassed and revictimised by Hampshire and Thames Valley police after reporting a crime committed against me by a doctor as a minor in 1982.

    If I ask the police for help, I get harassing phone calls from mental health services and they refuse to look at medical records saying that I am sane but upset about the abuse and under life threatening levels of stress.

    They continually suggest that I “just walk away” from the situation which would be suicide at this stage in my life,

    The last occasion was two weeks ago when I called the police over a 2011 plan by five local professionals including my GP to harass me with the police for emailing the media about police treatment of rape and sexual assault survivors.

    I am talking to journalists and lawyers as it is my last hope.

  • Heidi says:

    I believe you.

    I am so sorry this happened to you, I hope you are able to find some peace for yourself whatever you decide.

    I am very mistrusful of the police because yours is not the first story I have heard like this. Whatever you decide I hope you find support and strength.

    Take care x

  • (Dorothy ( Sue ) Laqua says:

    First I hear your voice. I can not pretend to understand the depth of loss, fear , and panic that you must be living with every day. There is not one bit of advice I can give you other then to tell you what was told to me when I became a victim and others defended the perp and called me mentally ill and a lier. A wise woman said ” You know what you know and that is the truth” If you believe in yourself all others lose power over you and your knowledge. Please know you are not alone, and the strength it took to address this and share with others, Shows the inner beauty and your strength

    • Kate Middleton says:

      I cannot believe how stupid a lot of “professionals” are and how they use “mental health” as a weapon against survivors.

      It is obvious that being abused by someone with a disordered personality is upsetting and traumatic. Thames Valley tried the mental health trap on me in 2011 after a meeting at St Aldates.

      The agenda was written by me and copied to James Dingemans QC and Marcello Mega and referred to written evidence and documentation based on years of research.

      All of this was ignored and they make up the law as they go along. Some of the women are worse than the men and they still insist that “it is your word against his” even with written evidence of abuse

  • k k says:

    You’re not alone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx