Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I guess it can happen to anyone (Content Note)

I've always been a very strong and independent woman. When I was younger I was known for not taking crap from anyone, and regardless of anything life threw at me, I managed to find a way through it and see light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been married to my husband for over 5 years, and it's been abusive for most of the relationship. He flew into my life, swept me off my feet and after dating for 6 months we were married. I didn't know at the time, even before we were married that he was sexually abusing me.

I would wake up to him having sex with me. Sometimes he would stay up late, just so that I would fall asleep, then I'd wake up with him behind me. I've never been a person that would let this type of thing happen to me. I ignored it, even though it made me feel like dirt afterwards,I wrote it off as cultural differences because he was an immigrant, naively thinking that we could work through it. This continued thorughout our entire marriage.

The first physical incident was the day he got to my home town where I had moved to a month earlier for work. I was so happy to see him, he surprised me by planning with my sister to come without me knowing. My sister was always terrible at keeping secrets like that, so I knew before hand. I primpted all day, so that I would look beatiful for my new husband. I was at my best friends house getting ready to go out to the bar that night, it was halloween so we were all getting ready together in our provacative yet innocent costumes.

He pulled up and came in, I ran and hugged and kissed him, I've never been that happy to see him since. We went to the bar that night, drank, danced, laughed and had a good time. Afterwards we went back to my friends house for a party. After the party died down, we went upstairs for some "quality time" after a month of not seeing each other. He was so sweet to me in the beginning, caring and gentle.

We made love that night, then in the middle of our love-making, he paused and asked if I wanted to try something new. I asked what he was thinking of, he then said anal. I told him I wasn't sure about that, I'd only done it once before and I didn't like it. After his persistent coaxing, I finally gave in and said yes, but only on the condition if I asked him to stop, he would stop. He was afterall, my husband, and I should be open to doing new things with him because we had trust in one another.

I remember how bad it hurt, it felt like my insides were going to rip out of my stomach. After 3 pumps I told him no, "Honey, it hurts too much, please stop." It was like my words were fuel to his energy and stamina, the more I said no, the rougher he got. He was one top of me, and very heavy, I tried to get up onto my knees to push him off of me, but he used the entire weight of his body to push me back down. He kept my legs spread so I couldn't use them to get up to my knees. He pounded until I was in tears, all the while he brushed the hair off my face, kissing my cheek and tears saying "I fucking love you right now."

After he finally "finished" inside me, he rolled over put his arm up over my head and under my neck to hold me. I was horrified and in so much pain. I remember asking myself, did that just happen to me? No, that didn't just happen, really? I was so hurt and angry, I yelled at him to get his arm off of me. He kept trying to roll over and snuggle with me, I was disgusted and kept pushing him off, until finally I hit him in the stomach, very near his penis but not directly on it. I yelled at him, and said you fucking bastard, I told you to stop.

I remember how fast he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me down on the bed. I'd never been choked before that day, not to point I was panicking because I thought I was going to pass out, or worse die. He looked me in the face, our noses almost touching, and said "You better not try that shit again." He then threw me off the bed onto the floor. I remember laying on that floor, stars still in my sight from the oxygen being cut off from my brain, daised and terrified. I slept on the floor that night. This was 2 1/2 months into our marriage. Little did I know, that wasn't going to be the last time my husband raped me.

 

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4 thoughts on “I guess it can happen to anyone (Content Note)

  • Tracy says:

    We believe you & support you.

    More than that, I thank you for your honesty and bravery. Like you say, it could happen to anyone. But it didn’t just happen to anyone, it happened to you. And you took that and shared your story with others, to show them the realitity of violence against women. Your voice is incredibly powerful.

    Thank you.

  • so sad says:

    i am so sorry for what has happened to you, you did not deserve that, and i think your so super brave.
    i know how it feels to be hurt in vile, and disgusting ways and its not nice but you are super brave, and a survivor, i hope you are in touch with people that can help and support you, stay strong, take care. x

  • Rebecca Fairclough says:

    You are so strong for coming through this and to tell us your story. I too have lived through domestic abuse and the same ex had sex with me as I slept, when I was too tired to wake, having recently had our baby.
    These men are cowards, who don’t deserve us.
    Thank you for sharing. I hope you have found some peace now.

  • Jean Hatchet says:

    I’m so sorry he abused you like this. You are so brave sharing. I presume to help others? Because if there is anything good about this piece, it is harrowing, it is that the goodness of your spirit shines through your words.

    Best wishes for a happier future. JH.