Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I got raped, boyfriend said it’s my fault.

Hey guys,

I wanted to tell you a bit about what has happened to me a few months ago and how it is now.

Basically what happened to me is that I was out partying, I got drugged and woke up the next morning at a strangers house. I couldn't remember what happened last night. The last thing I did can remember was how I got invited by a stranger for a drink and that I drunk it. Firstly the next morning, I thought, of course, I drunk too much alcohol and that's why I ended up there. But to be fair, I never, ever went with a stranger to their house, never in my life.
So that was the time I questioned myself and I realized that I never had such a 'hungover' as bad as this time.
Finally, I came to the conclusion that I was being drugged and raped.
I spent hours with my dad at the police station and the hospital.

To be honest, after the incident I did not feel as bad.
I reported everything and I talked to a woman who is a specialist with victims who have been raped. So I basically did everything right here.

I went to Spain and I met this lovely guy who I have been together for a few months. He can be very charming and caring.
Of course, I told him about what has happened to me, his answer was ' I am sorry for you, but things happen'.

Later a few weeks ago then we would have a fight which was my fault and of course, I apologized and tried to explain the situation.
He then was still very impulsive but what he said then, still is stuck in my mind today.
To explain it, I am 19 and he is 24.

He said: ' yeah, you're 19, you're young you don't think, that's why you got raped.'

In this moment I couldn't believe what he just said.
My 'sorry's 'and ' I love you's ' stopped.
I was upset, frozen, I couldn't believe what just came out of his mouth. I told him that the fight we just had, had nothing to do with my past and certainly nothing with my rape.

The second he said it I thought nothing, I felt nothing than sadness.
Days later I thought
' Does it make you feel better when you make me feel like shit'?
'Do you get satisfaction from my sadness..... Do you?'

The weeks went by and I still have the phrases in my head.
Yesterday was the day, I took all my courage.
We were laying in bed and I asked him calmly if I can ask him a thing which I didn't really understand until today and that it made me really upset.

I told him that about the fight that I was very sorry... then I asked him why he brought up the story of me being raped, a story he wasn't concluded it.
I could immediately see how is mood went down because I know that he does not like to speak about fights in the past.
But for me, it was just important to hear WHY.
I would have expect such a thing like, ' Yeah I know that wasn't right to say, I know it hurt your feeling'.
But instead, he said ' I don't know, I said it because it is right, I mean you are young and maybe you weren't cautious and you don't think.'

I cried and.. I cried.. but quietly, I didn't want him to hear or know me crying, I didn't want to annoy him.
He was still laying next to me.
But the worst thing is that with this phrases he said, he made it seem that it was my fault that I was being raped.
He compared it with his smoking of marihuana, that I say sometimes things about it as well because I don't like it.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE THING.

Instead of him thinking that maybe what he said is not appropriate, he comes up with things that I do to him.
But this is not the way you should handle feelings of the others...

I didn't choose to be raped............... I was upset, very very upset and now, I questioned myself if it really was my fault.
I still don't know how I feel about it. I question myself If I want a boyfriend who makes me feel bad in saying things that had happened to me in the past, things about I am not proud of...

My head was full of thought... maybe he does not realize what it means to be raped... maybe he doesn't understand how a person feels.
Nevertheless, he took me in his arm and he said that he would be here for me.
That was nice but I still was upset with the answer I was given.

Now I am confused, my rape which I thought I was being fine with, appears in my head now every day.
Not because I am afraid a thing like this would happen again, no, because a person I love makes me blame and uses my past to hurt me.
Therefore I am not sure what to do.. the answer I was given made me upset and asking him again would annoy him.
So I am afraid to ask him, I am afraid of what I should do.

How I feel right now, the feeling I have, I wish it to no person in the world.
That feeling hurts me, it messes up my head.

 

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