I got raped again and my boyfriend doesn’t care cause he says it’s my fault

September 20, 2016, Leah, Personal Experiences,

So I've already been raped before, when I was little by my babysitter and her boyfriend on multiple occasions. I just recently met back up with an old friend who I thought I was pretty close with. First time we hung out again was a lot of fun, he was talking about their being chemistry between us but I just figured he was referring to in a just friendly way.

Basically, he roofied me and I didn't realize what happened fully till about two weeks later. I knew something was off, and deep down I think I knew what, but I was just pushing it back and telling myself I was being paranoid and he would never do that cause he's a good friend.

When I finally realized what happened, I started freaking out a bit. I called my boyfriend who's also my best friend and told him what happened, and his response was basically "well what do you expect me to do about that?" And didn't really seem to care just seemed to be annoyed that I was supposedly wasting his time with negativity when he was trying to study.

I told him I just wanted support and to hear his voice cause he makes me feel safe and I'm really shaken up. He said he doesnt feel like giving emotional support when it's all just my head that's the problem anyway. I asked him what I meant and he said I wasn't ready to hear what he meant.

I told him I was, and promised not to take any offense. I just wanted to hear something. Then he told me that first off, the guys always seemed rapey and obviously liked me. He was just waiting for me to figure out one or the other cause he was worried he'd just come off as jealous.

Second off, he told me that for one I should've realized that and for two I brought this upon myself cause he says I look like I'm just dying for attention all the time (which I'm not, but I do tend to dress uniquely and have volume control issues due to successive head injuries) and that because I look like that it makes people wanna take advantage of me so it's basically my fault.

I asked him why he didn't care, and he said he did but I could tell it was only so he didn't start an argument because of the way he said it. Then was like can I get back to studying now?

Ever since the whole thing, my anorexia has come back and I've been feeling really depressed. He told me that I'm just starving myself and feeling that way because I'm not intelligent enough to understand the universe like he does. And he's mad at me for "making him deal with my issues", even though I actually avoid telling him when I feel that way because I know he doesn't react well. I only told him cause he directly asked, told me I had to give him an answer, and I would never lie to him.

Oh and also when I told my second best friend at a sleepover she told me I deserve it cause she thinks I'm pathetic and that my boyfriend deserves better. I know neither of those is true, but I'm starting to have trouble getting the support I need from nobody but myself and I can't tell my mom cause I don't want the person who raped me to go to jail. If he's messed up enough to do that, he's got enough problems on his hands. Plus I still like him as a person, we all make mistakes (I'd never hang out with him again though and I always avoid him now. He doesn't know I know and I don't wanna tell him I do cause that would just be more stress for both of us)

 

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