Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I Didn’t Realize I Was Raped (Content Note)

I was 19 and a sophomore in college. It was New Years Eve (2009 to 2010) and a guy I had been having a casual sexual relationship with for about 8 weeks, invited me over to his apartment for a New Years party with his roommate and several of his roommate's friends. I didn't know until I got to the party that I was the only female there in a group of about 10 to 15 college age guys. My guy friend's roommate was Arabic and all of the friends he had invited were Arabic as well, with many of them not being completely fluent in English and they spoke amongst each other in their native language. I had gotten drunk pretty quickly at the party and by 10:30 I was already in the bathroom vomiting and feeling nauseous. I remember my guy friend coming in to check on me and then left me in the bathroom to pass out and closed the door. I awoke sometime after midnight lying on the bathroom floor nude with my clothes in a pile off to the side of me. The bathroom door was closed and inside with me were two guys. One of them had his shirt off and was standing above me making out with me. The other guy stood off the the side laughing. Once I came to and my guy friend came back to the bathroom I grabbed my clothes and my guy friend walked me across the hall to his bedroom. I still was feeling a bit nauseous so he was going to let me sleep in his bed and said he locked the door behind him. I could hear them arguing in Arabic, I assumed about what had happened in the bathroom. Not long after moving to the bedroom, someone opened the door, came inside and locked the door behind them. I glanced up and saw it was the guy that had been making out with me when I was passed out. He was walking towards me on the bed and started undressing. He told me he wanted to have sex with me. When I told him no he said he didn't speak much English but just wanted to have sex with me. I stood up and began guiding him towards the door telling him I was not interested in having sex with him. He was not respecting my answer of no and with his hands on my shoulders he gently pushed me back towards the bed telling me to just relax. Seeing I was not getting anywhere by telling him no in my still drunken state I decided to just give in even though I really didn't want to have sex with him. He acted like he didn't know how to put on a condom so I helped him put one on. I can't recall if I chose to go into doggy position or if he indicated it, but while I was facing the front of the bed on all fours with him behind me, without my consent or any warning he penetrated me anally with no lube. I turned around trying to get him stop. He finally stopped when he realized I was bleeding profusely. At this time my guy friend hears us in the bedroom and unlocks the door. I run to the bathroom and continued to bleed for about 15 minutes. When my guy friend opened the door I actually remember saying that I wasn't raped; I did not see it as rape, but rather as a stupid mistake on my part. I felt violated but I didn't see it as rape. A while later I came to realize I was sexually assaulted when I was unclothed and touched when I was unconscious in the bathroom, but I still didn't think I was raped. I now have come to see it differently. My experience may not have been the typical forceful rape you hear about, but it was sexual assault and it was rape. I have come to realize these types of situations are not at all uncommon, and are rarely reported or even identified as assault or rape.

 

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3 thoughts on “I Didn’t Realize I Was Raped (Content Note)

  • Your experience was rape and it wasn’t your fault.

    I believe you. x

  • scallopsrgreat says:

    I am so sorry this happened to you. It was definitely rape. This man crossed so many of your boundaries even before rape occurred. He was never going to take no for an answer. He knew what he wanted and didn’t care whether you gave consent. And the whole thing about the condom was really creepy and manipulative.

    Hoping you are OK. And I believe you x

  • Dexter Lords says:

    As a bisexual male my pre marriage sexual encounters were always along this theme. I assumed that because I had instigated the situation I had No choice but to see it through. In addition I felt that changing my mind during the act wasn’t a realistic option therefore I’d find myself ‘shutting down so to speak and simply waiting until I believed it was not impolite to leave the situation. I don’t know why but I always had a preconceived notion that rape required some aspect of violence And pain. I certainly never dared to entertain the thought that my physical or emotional or states of sobriety were a factor, ESPECIALLY since I had more often than not put myself into said states. Eventually I found I couldn’t have sex without being inebriated in some manner…and after reading this article I think I may have a theory as to why…so now i wonder, if virtuallly every experience with sex in my younger years eventuated in these fashions and regardless of what i had done to myself before or how i had chosen to react during the fact, well would I be wrong to class that as rape Also?